Crush on my uni tutor

[milk]

I'm a 24 yr old student in Australia. I have just gone back to university and, well, developed a crush on my tutor (as you do). To start this off, I should say that my university doesn't strictly prohibit staff/student personal relationships, but it does require that staff need to avoid "conflicts of interest" - basically meaning if there is any relationship there then staff need to avoid examination or special treatment of the student.

So... I have started noticing one of my tutors who is about 30 and is teaching while he does a phd at my university. At first I didnt think much of him and just focused purely on the content we are learning. But in the last couple of weeks I noticed what i thought was strange behaviour... when I would walk into the room/respond to roll call/glance over at him he would very quickly avert his gaze or reflexively turn his head away even if he hadn't been looking directly at me. I thought this was a little strange and at first thought perhaps I had done something wrong (I turned up 2-3 mins late a couple times but he didnt say anything). He didnt seem to have eye contact problems with other students either.

Then one class I noticed he kept staring kind of absently in my direction a lot. Later that day while I was studying I glanced down and realised my top was showing lots of cleavage... and I put two and two together lol. And then I started smiling thinking...maybe I was wrong and he doesn't dislike me. But then again, I could be reading into this too much.

So, of course, I did what any normal person would do... I emailed him, strategically inserting a few smiley faces (LOL). But really I was just finding an excuse to connect with him and get my name stuck in his head. The email chain was mostly professional and consisted of me asking questions about material for this course and my degree and he would respond in detail, being friendly but professional.

On Wednesday evening after he'd sent me two relatively detailed and helpful messages... I continued to press for more info... I don't want to think of it as manipulative, but I basically asked him straight out what other courses he teaches and explained what degree I'm doing, and passed it off as me wanting to know more about the future units.

Thursday I had a class with him and he hadn't yet responded to my email. I did think his behaviour was...potentially interesting though. He seemed to be walking around the class and getting so close to me he was almost brushing the back of my chair a few times while I was talking to others at my table (as part of the work we were doing). At one point he sat down at our table to go through the material with us and a moment in I saw him glance at me with a worried look on his face? This really confused me because it wasn't acknowledgement/recognition that we'd spoken, it was clearly worry. I don't know why he would be worried about anything, I would have thought if there was nothing there he would probably just smile or make eye contact to acknowledge me maybe.
Anyway, as we were leaving class he did something he hasn't done before also which was stand next to the door and smile at a few people as they left. He had his gaze down before I approached and I felt him lift it as I was next to him, but not wanting to be too obvious I kept my eyes on the person in front of me.

Then tonight (Friday) I got his email response. Probably a bit more professional than before. He said he teaches quite a lot of the units that are coming up in my degree, and even some post graduate units that I might end up doing.

So in a way it could be complicated if I did want something to happen there... But at the same time I am really, really interested in him. His background is in the specialised field that I am studying in and I really admire the knowledge and character that he has. I might have kind-of/sort-of looked him up online and found a few youtube videos also... He is very well spoken and intelligent. Normally I go for professional/attractive/well dressed/wealthy men... And I have had a lot of success dating that kind of guy BUT I have a lot of trouble finding an intellectual equal. And due to this I don't really think it's so much that I'm interested in him as an authority figure, but I do want to know him on a more personal level and see how well we mesh. I am not looking to rush into anything but I do want to show interest...however it could be VERY awkward if that doesn't go well, and I can't predict if I will have much to do with him in the future if I get rejected.

I know there will be some who say don't get involved and you probably have good reason to say so. But I am not quite at that point. What I want to know is HOW I can get to know him better. I can handle myself, I'm a big girl... (I mean, I'm an adult - I'm not overweight lol). But all of that will be easier if I have a friendship in place... Is it appropriate to try and initiate a 'friendship' with him and if so how do I do this?

I guess this is nerve wracking for me because I recently ended a long term relationship and I haven't been with anyone else for a long time. I gained some weight in my last relationship, not heaps but whereas I used to be very skinny/pretty (model-type...) I am now sort of normal with curves but not flabby/chubby or anything. I used to be able to get any guy I wanted, now, I'm not so sure.

[Wakeup]

Why is it we get one of these every spring break?

[milk]

Why is it we get one of these every spring break?

lol. I never would have thought of myself as the type to get a CRUSH again... i can hardly remember the last time I had a crush. i guess university is a good way to meet likeminded people though, and you have interests, rapport, regular contact etc.

My friend who's been studying there for a few years says he's seen tutors dating students.

Oh also, the only decent guys at uni are older/smarter ones lol.

[smackie9]

Oh also, the only decent guys at uni are older/smarter ones lol.

This perspective is debatable. Anyways his behavior says it all :

he would respond in detail, being friendly but professional.

He had his gaze down before I approached

him glance at me with a worried look on his face

I got his email response. Probably a bit more professional than before

Conclusion, he is avoiding your advances. He's a smart man right? He's no dummy, he can tell when a student has a crush on him. You are not his first, nor will you be his last.

He's a 30 year old intelligent mature man. He's not going to play games. If he had any interest in dating you he would simply ask you out on a date.

You should take a psychology course or two. Your crushing, obsessing, is making your fantasy /imagination see things that are not there, and making you blind to his true signals that he isn't interested. A lot of those who crush, obsess or fantasize are those who are experiencing low self esteem. Here you are out of a long term relationship, never had much if any connection with a male since the breakup, you have put on weight, etc. What better way to give yourself a lift by attaching yourself to someone to make you feel good.


I recommend you start focusing on getting in shape and get busier with social activities or volunteer to regain your self worth.

[Laurie]

Don't bother it ends in heartache and you feeling stupid and worthless concentrate on your studies. Some might guffaw at me giving advice but I did something similar but really stupid recently and its not worth it!

[smackie9]

Don't bother it ends in heartache and you feeling stupid and worthless concentrate on your studies. Some might guffaw at me giving advice but I did something similar but really stupid recently and its not worth it!

There is nothing to gwaff at. Your experience is a good example of what would happen.

[smackie9]

Unfortunately, this will probably not lead to mutual romance. They have to take their jobs seriously and there are boundaries which means personal relationships with students have to be omitted, even if they do care about you as a person. Even if he had feelings for you too, he could not act on them or he could be fired.

I know it sucks when you 'cannot go there', but you really cannot. I've been in these sort of situations myself, a lot. Just appreciate having a great teacher, but don't expect it to go beyond a working relationship.

If only you can take your own advice.....