how do I approach the subject of open relationship

[mskitty6973]

Help! I've been married for 12 years and I do love my husband but due to health reason our sex life has become null & void (5 years) I don't want to hurt him but I have needs. I can't leave him because his children will not help him or take care of him. I've meet someone else that I am extremely attracted to and can not stop thinking about how do I tell my husband that I don't want to leave him but I want another without hurting him? Can an open marriage really work or should I just bite my tongue and bury my desire. He knew I was a very sexual woman when we met how do I tell him I have needs and that its just sex that I desire.

[TheEvilJester]

Unfortunately there is no way you can tell him and not hurt him. At least nothing within your control. The only way this would not hurt him is if he happens to be into it/okay with the idea.

Personally, I do not agree with open relationships. But, that is my personal opinion. I may not agree with them, and I may personally think they almost always end in heartache, but I would still fight to the death for the rights of those who do believe in them and think they can work. It is not my place to judge. If it makes all parties happy and it was what they all truly want, then who is harmed in the situation?

So, that said, all you can really do is talk to him about it. You have to understand, it may be possible that he is not okay with the idea, and it may be possible it is even enough that could cause him not to wish to be with you. So, that is a risk you have to be willing to take if you do feel it is important enough.

When it comes down to it, sex is really a pretty basic human need. So, if he can't provide that (or won't), even if the reasons are completely out of his control, it is still understandable if you need it. Sex certainly shouldn't be the most important thing in any relationship, but it is important.

If he is not okay with the idea, then you have to decide if your needs are more important, or if keeping him is more important. It is a difficult situation for sure, but you wouldn't be totally wrong to feel it is not enough. If it is due to a health reason, that may not be his fault, and there may be nothing he can really do about it. That shouldn't have to mean you cease to be human, though.

So, I certainly do not envy your situation. It does seem kind of bad to leave somebody because of something that is out of their control, yet at the same time, you do have needs. There is really no easy answer in a situation like this. Good luck to you. I hope it works out in the best way possible for you and him.

[Wakeup]

Does the guy you're thinking of boinking know that you are married?

[ellimity]

As Jester said there is really no easy way to say anything without it hurting unless he's totally into it.

You just have to make sure you're totally open about everything to both parties and probably break it slowly like 'I know it's hard on you cause of your health but you know how I love sex and I was just wondering if you'd be okay if I found another man to have sex with, nothing else ?' (you could of course revise it) but don't necessarily bring up the other guy right away cause then he might think you might have been doing it for a while or some guys think of if you've been setting things up ie you've found another guy and all that it's technically cheating already so start off maybe with just the whole open relation part and that you only want it for sex and that you love him a lot and want to only love him and pretty much just want a hooker. Then after a few days say like you've set up a dating site or something to meet people and met a guy and tadah.
Hope things work well for you.

[Wakeup]

Before I counsel you on ways to ask your husband to give another man permission to put his penis in you, can you please elaborate on why your sex life is "null and void?" I have a feeling that you're a troll but none-the-less that question is a very important one in regards on how to respond to what you're asking.

[basilandthyme]

If I was completely unable to have sex, I think I'd be pragmatic about my partner's needs. Frankly, I'd probably offer the arrangement to my partner upfront.

Perhaps your husband will also be pragmatic instead of hurt.

[Wakeup]

^^^ I agree with that sentiment. I'd still like to know the scoop behind the null and void sex life at home. For some reason, I get the vibe that its not so cut and dry. I don't think I'd NOT have that vibe if there wasn't already someone in the wings.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with Wakeup. Not that we mean to pry, mskitty, but that can kind of change the direction in the advice you receive here. I mean, is it actually the case that he 100% is not capable of having sex, and that is unlikely to change? Or, is there anything he can possibly do to eventually correct the situation? Because, if there is hope of fixing said situation, that should really be what you two do, at least at first. If there really is almost certainly no hope of fixing whatever situation has him unable to perform, then I would say maybe your desire to be with somebody who can is validated.

Also, ellimity brings up a really good point, and I must agree. IF you do decide to ask him about it, I would definitely agree with the approach of taking it slow. Do not come to him saying you've met a specific guy and want permission to be with him sexually. That very well could make it seem like you've really already made the decision in your own mind without bothering to talk to him about it. You more so want to approach it as the idea of having an open relationship, and possibly seeking somebody out. If he winds up being okay with the idea, take it slow and in due time reveal that you have found somebody you wish to pursue, but only sexually.

You also need to be 100% clear with any potential sex-buddies as to exactly what the relationship is so there is no confusion. Then, IF your fella is okay with it and you do wind up going for it, I certainly hope you are true to your word and can separate the sexual activity from any emotional connection, and remain loyal to your guy. Good luck to you. I do hope you figure this out and come to a happy conclusion for all parties, whatever that may be in the end.

[Wakeup]

Miss Kitty is too busy off catting to even come back to her thread it seems. Meow!