Fallen for best friend. I'm dying on the inside here.

[theperson1]

Hi everyone, So this is more of a rant and my opinions, than me sharing my current situation. Appreciate anyone that takes time to read this.

I started University around 8 months ago now, and was happy with the friends I made. I met this girl who is also on the same course as me and we got friendly super fast and I feel we have become close friends/best friends in the space of 3 months. We now share absolutely everything that has happened to us every day and how we are feeling emotionally. We haven't not spoken sinse the day we met, and it would be an odd day if we don't talk for more than 4 hours.

She can read my emotions to a level that I have never had before, even over text she is able to tell what I'm thinking, it really is crazy, we support each other when times are bad and we are both able to read when the other person is struggling. I recently had a depression episode when she wasn't around and she could tell something was up over messages and kept pushing and pushing me until I told her, and she talked me out of it. The thankfulness to her for that day I just can't put into words.

She doesn't live near by at the moment but when she is at university we are always together. We sit with each other, if we don't I always see her looking at me when I look up, and she normally texts me if we are not sitting together. When we do sit together we are very close, we always hold strong eye contact, she plays with her hair like crazy, don't mind touching and just have a general flirt. I'm not new to relationships and I am so positive she is flirting with me, faces inches away, looking into each others eyes, when she leans back the breasts stick out with good posture, you know what I mean. She has also said she thinks I'm very attractive and has complimented numerous things about me, and I have said the same about her, so this is all normal stuff for two people are attracted to each other right?

Wrong. She has a boyfriend of two years.

What am I doing? I have fallen head over heels for someone with a boyfriend, a boyfriend I have met and liked. She never hid it from me that she had one, I knew from day one and was just happy being friends. She tells me that she loves him, but she also comes to me when they fall out or having relationship problems. Shes texted me at 2am a few times, telling me she is lonely and unhappy and there is me trying to calm her down. But then the next day she is fine and all is good with her boyfriend. When shes not with him she texts me all the time, does light flirting. Always wants to know what I am up to. A prime example is today, she messaged me at 10am, and we were speaking non stop until 4pm. What happens at 4pm? Boyfriend time! But she does text me when she is around her boyfriend sometimes, though most of the time its not. And often we have emotional talks at like 1am, but have been speaking all day anyway.

I want her so badly, I am getting extremely beaten up inside. Its triggering my depression like crazy and its effecting my university work. I am a scum bag wanting to steal someones girlfriend I know this, and am trying so hard to stop it. I am on dating websites trying to find someone that is a good match with me (this girl also knows I am looking on dating websites and constantly asks what type of girl im after). I also think that if I did steal her she would lose her friends as her and her boyfriend share the same circle.

I need someone to explain to me what is going on here. I am just so confused by it all. Does she care for me? I am sure she likes her boyfriend! Is she purposly ing with me? Why would she do that when we are good close friends, I don't think she is using me as she has supported me just as much as I have supported her. Should I say something? I REALLY DONT KNOW! I don't want to lose her as a friend, I don't want to break contact to "get over her".

[Wakeup]

Read the following link and then punch yourself in the face while yelling "snapoutofit"

[url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence]Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/url]

[TheEvilJester]

It is possible she is one of those people who likes to keep "options" around to make herself feel better. She could be playing with your heart. At the same time, it could just be possible that she really likes you, but as a friend, and sincerely does not intend to mess with you. You've known right from the start that she has a boyfriend, so she may assume you like her only as a friend just the same as her.

The bottom line, though, is it sounds like you are obviously no longer okay being just friends with her. However, you are correct that you should not even try to cause her to leave her boyfriend for you. Firstly, it is just wrong, plain and simple. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Secondly, pretend for a minute you did succeed in getting her to leave her boyfriend for you.... What is to stop her from doing it to you down the road as well when some other guy comes along? If she proved herself capable of doing that once, it isn't too far-fetched to think it will happen again.

So, the way I see it, you have an important decision to make. Can you live with being around her, but only as friends? Or, if you try to do so, will you only wind up either A) hanging around just hoping she eventually becomes available or B) eventually wind up trying to move in on her relationship? I've covered B already. As for A, doing this you will essentially be putting your own life on hold for something that may never happen. Maybe her and her boyfriend will continue to be in love, eventually get married, etc. You can't waste your life waiting around for somebody who is not available.

So, if you don't think you can successfully continue to be just her friend, then you owe it to yourself (as well as her) to distance yourself a bit, or if need be, end the friendship altogether. It will be hard, both on you and on her, but it is the right thing to do.

If you feel you actually can be just her friend (which requires that you are also able to move on, look for your perfect match elsewhere, and not just be secretly waiting around hoping she suddenly becomes available) then I say go ahead and remain her friend. You honestly never know. She could very well eventually wind up single at a time when you also happen to still be single and you could get a chance. You just cannot wait around just hoping that will happen, you need to move on with your own life.

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like you can live with being just her friend. But, I'm not you, so I can't say that for sure. Only you really know that. Either way, good luck to you. I hope you figure out what you feel is right, and I hope it works out well for everybody. Whether it winds up being her, or some other girl perhaps you've not even met yet, I hope you do find your dream girl some day very soon.

[theperson1]

Thank you very much for taking time in writing your thoughtful response. You helped me really look at it at an outside angle, and this was an angle I desperately needed.

I know it a common mistake us guys make, reading into close friendships with females and thinking they like you when they are just being friendly. Maybe I am completely miss reading it. Maybe she is toying with me, or keeping me around to make her feel better. But I also guess none of this matters as I want to keep her as a friend.

I have been getting help from all over the internet on this and the opinions just vary like crazy, but a few things people agree on is this: don't do anything. But I knew that from the start. I think with the help I have received on this has made me able to see it slightly from the outside, and made me able to control my feelings a bit more. It sucks, I still want her but I also realize that I am kidding myself, people have been saying "it sounds like she really likes you" maybe she does and I'm beginning to see that it doesn't matter, It is out of my control. All I can do is be me, maybe cut out the extended periods of contacting her. And treat her like a friend, I have been unfair to her, even if she does like me. I spent about 9 hours with her today, and I feel I was able to think much more clearly on what I was actually doing, thanks to everyone's advice, just saying to myself "what am I actually doing".

I hope that I will be able to get over her, I really do. I read people that have crushes on their best friend for years, and I really hope this won't be me, time will tell. I am actively, not passively trying to not go the route of "wait around until she is available", hopefully this will help ease the pain, I would go out a lot more with friends and enter the dating scene if I wasn't so damn poor at the moment.

"From what you've said, it doesn't sound like you can live with being just her friend. But, I'm not you, so I can't say that for sure. Only you really know that. "

I am starting to think I might be able to see her as a friend, but then maybe a new wave of feelings will hit me at some point soon and destroy my hard work up to this point.

"Either way, good luck to you. I hope you figure out what you feel is right, and I hope it works out well for everybody. Whether it winds up being her, or some other girl perhaps you've not even met yet, I hope you do find your dream girl some day very soon. "

Thank you very much for your good wishes, and I hope I find my dream girl someday soon too.

[TheEvilJester]

Ah, see, that is particularly why I said I cannot specifically tell you how you feel, or tell you exactly what to do. I can only offer my thoughts and advice.

You seem to be feeling like you can successfully remain just friends with her and do not wish to lose her as a friend. From your first post, I would say it sounds like that wasn't the case, but again, I am not you so I cannot know that. So, if you truly do think you can remain just friends with her without it holding you back from your own life or possibly causing you to do something morally wrong, then that is great. I hope that is the case and that you are able to remain friends with her.

I will say this, it IS possible, it just isn't easy. I, myself, have actually done it in the past. I'm not exactly a normal case by any stretch of the imagination, though. For some reason it has just always come easier to me. But it CAN be done. If you truly can remain friends with her and you won't just be living in denial and secretly depriving yourself hoping she eventually becomes yours (nor will you ever try to move in on her current relationship) then why not do that? IF you are actually able to do that, then you kind of get the best of both worlds. You get to keep her as a friend while still believing that your true love could be out there somewhere (and not necessarily be her). Yet, at the same time, you also get to keep her in your life, in which case you really never do know. Life is funny sometimes. You never know. Something could happen down the road where you two wind up being single at the same time and it could work out. Again, you just can't wait around hoping that will happen because then you aren't really living your life to the fullest.

Good luck to you. If you do decide to remain her friend, I am sure it won't be easy. You may have times where you feel like your feelings for her are starting up all over again. But, if you truly can trust yourself to do the right thing both for her and yourself, then it could be worth it if you are able to make it work. I just hope you care enough about yourself, and about her, to do the right thing, even if it may be the hard thing, if you find that you don't think you can handle being around her as just a friend. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, though. Good luck!