Boyfriend has really close "girl" friend??

[TablesandChairs]

Well, one of you is a wanna-be princess. The other comes from a wealthy family.

Either way, your wealth is not your own.

You have more in common than you think.

[dontaskme]

And BTW, let's dissect your signature right now shall we?

When you do not rely on anyone for anything, then there is no reason to take advantage of any help.

When you help out of business transaction, then you expect to be paid back,nth at is why it is called "business" transaction, dumb ass, because that is how a business works (to have an economic gain)!

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Well, one of you is a wanna-be princess. The other comes from a wealthy family.

Either way, your wealth is not your own.

You have more in common than you think.

Hmmm.... I may come from wealth but I make my own six figure salary as well.

[TablesandChairs]

I was kidding. I agree with you - playing games is silly. What OP should want to achieve is respectful boundaries when it comes to his friendships with women. There's a way you act when you're single - and a way you act when you're not. You get too close to someone of the opposite gender and 1 of 2 things usually happens - your girlfriend gets insecure/jealous...or your female friend gets the wrong idea and makes a move. A friend of mine is going through something similar at the moment - her male friend showed her so much attention and generosity that she was 100% certain he liked her. She made a move and was very much rejected. She was very much bewildered that she got it wrong. But no one would blame her - this guy texted her 50 times a day.

Don't let this consume you...just explain that you hope he's practising a level of respect towards you in his interactions when you're not around.

[Wakeup]

Your personal attack speaks volume about you.

Yes that in this particular instance she once again displays her insight.

I don't find this to be mind playing since anyone with intelligence knows what is going on here. It is not alright to hang out with so many female friends especially those who had a romantic history with or someone who he knows is interested in him. I suspect that he just knows how to keep women around. And he is telling her what she wants to hear. It is good that they came to an agreement that neither of them will hang out with the opposite sex one on one. But I would say, still be alert for any irregularities.

It doesn't matter the motive... Mind playing is still mind playing and having lack of honest and straight forward communication is THE surest way possible to fk up a relationship.

[TheEvilJester]

I don't find this to be mind playing since anyone with intelligence knows what is going on here. It is not alright to hang out with so many female friends especially those who had a romantic history with or someone who he knows is interested in him. I suspect that he just knows how to keep women around. And he is telling her what she wants to hear. It is good that they came to an agreement that neither of them will hang out with the opposite sex one on one. But I would say, still be alert for any irregularities.

Fair enough. I can agree with that. I definitely think it is pretty iffy that he seems to have so many female friends. Then again, the OP herself said the actual number (once he came clean) didn't seem all that much to her. So I guess it is more so the fact that he is so close to many of them rather than the number of female friends he has in and of itself. Still, I would agree that you either need to have appropriate boundaries defined and respected, or else not have the opposite gender friends at all. So, I would definitely agree that she should remain alert for anything else concerning. I'd say give him the chance to prove himself truthful, but at the same time don't completely let your guard down, so to speak. I wouldn't advise being paranoid and untrusting, but I also wouldn't advise being naive.

[maryapple]

I think that you must put a question point-blank, and he must make a choice! Because it’s “wrong relations”! The love is a beautiful feeling when people don’t think about others; they are engrossed in each other!) From my personal experience I can say that the love gives us the wings! I met my boyfriend in the site [url]https://kovla.com/datings/us/waterloo[/url] and since that moment I’m the happiest girl in this world!))) My sweetheart loves me very much and every day I have as holiday! We live together in perfect harmony and soon we’re going to marry!) Our family is “young”, but we know that we have the mutual understanding, faith and respect to each other! Love and be loved! Happiness to you!

[TheEvilJester]

That's awesome. I'd just like to point out that I think I am the happiest girl in the world.

(See... it's funny cuz I'm a guy. You know.... so I can't be the anythingest girl in the world.... Cuz... you know.... I'm a.... you know what? I'm going back to bed. :-P )

[Julia51423]

Hi guys, I'm sorry I have been away for awhile. Things were going great so I forgot to check back on here. Let me answer some of your questions.

No, he does not just have female friends. He has an equal amount of guy friends.. So nothing abnormal about that.. It's not like he JUST has female friends. He has plenty of guy ones. In fact his best friend is a guy.

The reason I'm back on here though is because I have another situation. Things were going really great. He has been really open and honest and we only continue to grow closer.

But today was the first time things have gotten a little iffy again. Today is his best female friends birthday, (the one most of this post is about), and since she is my cousin he reminded me to wish her a happy birthday. So then I was like "oh, are you guys doing anything for her today?!"
Him: "Yeah well I'm just sending her a really long text message now and we will probably sing to her at lunch haha"
Me: "oh... What did you say in the message?"
Him: "I was just telling her how great a friend she's been to me and that she'll always be someone special to me. Hoping we stay close for a while to come. And that may happen because she hooked me up (he was referring to her being the reason we met there)"

But I just felt super concerned that he had the need to send her a long meaningful message about how special she is to him... So now what :/

[TheEvilJester]

Well.... I don't know. I mean, let me put it this way. That sounds a lot like the kind of message I would personally send to a close female friend, and I would NOT have any hidden meaning behind it like I secretly have a crush on her or anything. I would sincerely just mean that as a friend. All the same, I think I would probably NOT send a message like that to a female friend if I had a girlfriend who wasn't 100% comfortable with that. So, maybe he means it 100% innocently and they really completely are just friends. All the same, if it bothers you then either he needs to find a way to go about their friendship so it doesn't bother you, or you need to learn how to not let it bother you.

Inherently, he isn't wrong for having her as a friend (as long as appropriate boundaries are respected and not crossed). All the same, you are also not inherently wrong for not being 100% comfortable with it. It's just a matter of can you two reach a happy medium on it? Good luck to you.

[Wakeup]

Hi guys, I'm sorry I have been away for awhile. Things were going great so I forgot to check back on here. Let me answer some of your questions.

No, he does not just have female friends. He has an equal amount of guy friends.. So nothing abnormal about that.. It's not like he JUST has female friends. He has plenty of guy ones. In fact his best friend is a guy.

The reason I'm back on here though is because I have another situation. Things were going really great. He has been really open and honest and we only continue to grow closer.

But today was the first time things have gotten a little iffy again. Today is his best female friends birthday, (the one most of this post is about), and since she is my cousin he reminded me to wish her a happy birthday. So then I was like "oh, are you guys doing anything for her today?!"
Him: "Yeah well I'm just sending her a really long text message now and we will probably sing to her at lunch haha"
Me: "oh... What did you say in the message?"
Him: "I was just telling her how great a friend she's been to me and that she'll always be someone special to me. Hoping we stay close for a while to come. And that may happen because she hooked me up (he was referring to her being the reason we met there)"

But I just felt super concerned that he had the need to send her a long meaningful message about how special she is to him... So now what :/

The first thing I would have asked him is: "Have you ever sent a long appreciation letter like that to any of your male friends?

[eve.ashley]

Sorry this is sort of long but please read the whole thing. Okay so I have a boyfriend and we have been official for a few months, and let me just say that I really have never felt this way about anyone before, or this close to anyone. I have never been so deeply in love with someone, and I truly know in my heart that he loves me too. He is open, caring, honest, understanding, and just everything I could have asked for. He says he has never felt this way about anyone in his life, has told me things he has never told a soul before, and says he could see us lasting forever... Crazy as it sounds I could too.

But there is just one issue that has come up recently... And I keep trying to tell myself that I am being overly sensitive but I can't just ignore it. So basically, we met through one of his closest friends who is a girl that I happen to sort of be related to. Actually, they are best friends. And there have just been a few strange occurrences that bother me.

So one time he couldn't get a ride home from where he was, but eventually he found out she was available to give him a ride home. And then they decided to go to back to her place and hang out for awhile and then go to the mall. Her parents and her sister came with them, but still. He always texts me and tells me where he is but this one time he wouldn't text me the whole time he was out with her and when I asked him where he was he said "oh sorry I just like to focus on just my friends when I am hanging out with them" and when I asked who he was hanging out with and he said just her I was like "oh.... Ok..."

I also found out that she is also his snapchat best friend and he texts her a lot.. except we are the only two that are his snapchat best friends. I found out he just told me that he often messages her when I go to sleep and he has no one else to text. (please still take this thread seriously yes we are young but in college)

I figured they were just friends, but I also just found out that last year they both used to like each other for a little while. I started getting really worried and he said "its fine please don't worry I see her as a sibling now, it was such a short time and then we realized it wasn't worth ruining our friendship".. But I just can't help but worry about it in the back of my mind...

Help what do I do?!

OK, let me open with a personal story.

this is not coz i am self centered, this is quite to the opposite. normal humans use I more than rubbish ones. we don't point fingers we give out of our experience.

i had a close male friend. i liked him for about two weeks when we first met. as i got to know him, i was certain that i could never date him, he'd be a terrible bf, but he was an ok friend.

this man had issues with intimacy and love, but he was fun and smart. we also worked at the same radio station and spend loads of time together.

now he started dating a girl that was my friend as well, to be fair, he introduced us.

when i first met her, she has told me, that she liked him and i told her that i do not like him that way, that he is my friend.

she had a terrible time with this guy, he kept her a secret for a year and we all knew but had to pretend we don't, and all still hung out together.

i could never imagine why this woman fell romantically for such a man, why wouldn't she be friends with him like the rest of us.

anyway as she managed to struggle her way in this thug of war that was her relationship, she slowly alienated all of us female friends of his, and i thought she was being a ridiculous idiot.

in the end, he got tired of her cage, and she got tired of his inability to love or commit, and they broke up.

when i'd hit some rough times in my life, he let me crash on his couch, and we never had sex.

would he want to have sex with me, maybe, how can i know his deepest thoughts, but, if he did, he never tried, not wanting to lose me as a friend.

more likely it is also not a great wish of his, because i am not his type either, i don't go for messed up dudes who say, it's impossible to love only one person, i love everyone person, then date only one woman, and hide his gf for a year.

darling, there are millions of stories like this, and you are so overreacting to your bf's friendships.

he is not crossing any lines here of loyalty, monogamy or commitment.

trouble is, psychopathic people make monogamy, loyalty and commitment look so bad that healthy normal people begin to dread these words and wonder if they are possible, healthy or natural

monogamy is a very good way to be in love for a highly evolved human.

trouble with that is, you have to allow yourself to evolve beyond common animal, most people cannot yet do this, but we msut constantly try.

sure, him having a female in his life that he is closer to than you, is a deal breaker. or a male for that matter. him having anyone whom he is more intimate with than you, deal breaker, BUT

but

him a having a friend isn't.

he says he sees her a s a sibling TRUST HIM.

your partner needs to socialize with people who aren't you or his immediate family.

he needs to have people he is friends with at work. people he is friends with at the place of his hobbies. he needs friends that are not you or his family.

this is very good for him, and you and your relationship, it makes your monogamy stronger, not weaker.

be happy your bf is not glued to his phone and respects the person he is spending time with.

most importantly, always remind yourself, that you do not have all the answers, and it's good to trust your partner and let you guys do things his way as well.

again, please do not learn about monogamy from narcissist individuals that are a majority in this world, they make it look so ugly and impossible and unnatural.

btw, a person ready to isolate you from all others, is a person most likely to cheat on you...if they think they will not get caught.

tell your bf you trust him and his judgment of who he can be friends with, and who is simply trying to get into his pants...and enjoy life and your wonderful bf...

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Thank guys I really appreciate your different points of views so much. But the thing is we just talked about it last night and in the end I told him it was ok and that I trust him...

But as you can see I actually am not ok. There was actually another strange occurrence that I just didn't write about. He had gotten a ride home from his "friend" one night late at night, and when he said who, he said the name of a girl, and I just got a really bad guy feeling. Keep in mind this was a different girl. Then he told me the next morning that this "friend" had actually tried to seduce him in the car and kept touching him in innapropriate places. He said obviously he yelled at her and told her how wrong it was and he absolutely did nothing, and he is cutting off that friendship for good now.

But when I asked him how close they were, he said they were pretty close, and they would always talk in school and stuff and he would help her with her guy problems. And I didn't even know she existed!! He said he only saw her as nothing more then a friend , but I still found it really strange that he was so close to another girl without me knowing. And I can't help but wonder if she thought he was flirting with her?

Idk what to even say to him... What do I ask of him?? Should I give it a few days? I don't know what to do.. But I know I have to say something because I am not okay right now.

OK again this proves that your bf rocks at monogamy and is a great bf.

he knows the difference between having a friend and keeping inappropriate relationships around.

PLEASE, do not ruin this for yourself with unreasonable demands, good men are so tough to find.

you cannot know everything about him at first, this takes time... the pace is determined by many things...

he did tell you about her eventually and that is all that matters...

don't mess this up for yourself baby girl...there is not as many good men out there as fairy tales lead us to believe...

you were lucky you found one. get yourself some therapy, if you must, but learn the healthy way to be in a committed relationship, or you will lose him, and rightfully so.

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Well I talked to him last night! And I feel so much better for talking to him about it and it actually went really well I think.. I'll see what you guys think of how it went.

So I basically told him that I don't want him to think of me as a controlling girlfriend, but I have just been getting really uneasy and uncomfortable about some things that have been happening lately. I told him how I was really uncomfortable with the fact that he was so close with that girl and I didn't even know she existed. I also said that I didn't understand why he didn't suspect that something happened that night, and I asked him if it has always been normal for her to be so super touchy with him?
And also that I didn't know he had so many close relationships with other girls and it really shocked me that he was, because I feel like he is friends with all these girls and it's some secret that im not allowed to know about.
I also told him about his best girl friend that is my cousin, and how I got extremely jealous and that I was extremely uncomfortable when just the two of them hung out a few months back, and that he wouldn't even text me when he was with her. And when I recently found out that he used to like her, it made me even more uncomfortable and uneasy and I figured she was still someone really special to him and that he could still have feelings for her.

I didn't know how he would react. But he reacted really well. He said he is terribly sorry he ever made me feel that way, and he never said anything because he didn't think I would want to know about that. Then I wasn't expecting this, but he went on to list every single girl he is close to lol, and it wasn't an abnormally long amount.. Pretty average actually, and what he usually talks to them about. He said I am actually his best friend, even though I'm his girlfriend too, because he tells me everything and stuff he doesn't tell anyone else. He said the girl with the car incident was never touchy like that with him, and they were more close last year but only talked every once and a while this year. And that he thought he was just being paranoid when she was being so touchy with him, but also found out he was right when she confirmed it the next day. He said from now on he will tell me absolutely any suspicions he has.

Then he went on explaining on his best "girl" friend that I was originally talking about in this thread. He said that they weren't just hanging out them two, but he was with her whole family as well. And he went on reassuring me that he only liked her for a little bit and never that much at all.. Only because they were such good friends he thought there might be something there but there really was never anything romantic so they just remained friends. He also said that when he talks to her, a lot of the times he is talking about me and asking her questions about me. And he said he really just doesn't find it respectful to be texting constantly when he is with friends which is why he didn't ... And he does the same to not text when he is with me so he can focus on me.

I told him to that, that even though she was with her family, he was still just hanging out with HER, and I still don't like the idea of that. I said that I didn't think he would like it if I was hanging out one on one with another guy.. And I think that made him think a little. We made an agreement to never hang out with anyone of the opposite gender one on one again.
He also said he really wants me to read through all of his phone the next time we hang out, just to know the conversations he does have with other girls. I said I don't need to do that, but thank you.

That's basically what happened. He also said to always tell him these things I am feeling because he wants me to tell him any doubtful and iffy feelings I ever have, because he never wants me to feel that way and will never get mad at me for talking to him about something that makes me uncomfortable.
I think it went good for the most part! What do u guys think?

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Sorry you guys I talked to him before I read those responses lol. And we did have the conversation over text... Idk if that was the wrong thing to do but I feel like I got my emotions out a lot better because I spent the time to type out everything I was thinking. Maybe for the future though I will do these kinds of talks in person.

Also, I didn't tell him I was uncomfortable with him having these friendships, it's just he seemed so open and genuine about all of them and everything that it didn't seem like much of a problem to me anymore... Nor did I ask if he maybe came off the wrong way to that girl and was "too" friendly with her. Now I kind of wish I did and am thinking I should bring that up when I get the chance too.

this is a recipe for disaster, young Luke. the Force will not be with you if you do not learn that monogamy does not imply never hanging out with anyone else...

in fact, this a sure way to ruin your relationship.

you will both grow tired of this controlling clinch, of, ohhh you are never to hang out with people ever again...both....you as well as him.

i am the most monogamous person alive and anytime someone would tell me i could not hang out with anyone else ever again, all i'd want to do is hang out with other people and assert my human rights and yes cheat and show that person i am not their robot or slave...

it's a subconscious reaction of rebellion.

in fact, many people who would ordinarily never cheat, have cheated on controlling possessive parents who they could not get rid of any other way.

these possessive controllers cling to their partners and make it very hard for them to break it off, and the person ends up cheating in a subconscious effort to get rid of this tick like partner...

but your are not tick like, just misguided by those very loud, tick like, self righteous propagators of the cage model of monogamy.

listen to me now thank me later. HANG OUT WITH OTHER PEOPLE, IT'S GOOD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP...

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about his birthday text, again, he is not crossing any lines here, he is being loving to his friend.

that's a good thing. you want a loving guy.

he is sharing it with you and not going behind your back.

you want an honest partner who includes you.

do you have any hobbies or friends of your own?

you need to make some.

[Wakeup]

trouble is, psychopathic people make monogamy, loyalty and commitment look so bad that healthy normal people begin to dread these words and wonder if they are possible, healthy or natural

Spoken like someone who has been brainwashed by a sex addict who expects an open relationship with her.

Op: Yes, it's okay to have opposite sex friendships but the dynamic of those friendships should change to include you in their hang outs NOT exclude you. To continue to do date-like things with your opposite sex friend simply causes the anxiety and angst that you are now experiencing... Its human nature (even for those in polyamorous/open relationships) to feel jealousy if the primary partner is bestowing one-on-one attention of the emotional kind to another.

You can blind trust someone till the cows come home... but when your instincts are telling you that there is inappropriate shinnanigans going on, then usually there is.

If your boyfriend respects you and your sensibilities then he will end his one-on-one date like activities with his female friends and he will start including you in on the fun.

Surely he has male friends that he can do stuff with without you.

Its all about having the same relationship boundaries in place.... right now, you two do not have that going on. There must be a compromise in there that you both can agree to that will ease the angst for you and where he needn't give up his Opposite sex friendships.

Anyway... hope you can figure out something that settles you down where you don't just accept while continuing to be angst ridden.

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Oh yea... looks like you've come to one very decent monogamous relationship dynamic that most people who are healthy, monogamous minded individuals actually adhere to which is:

We made an agreement to never hang out with anyone of the opposite gender one on one again.

Good on you both!

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BTW: HAS he sent a long appreciation letter to any of his long-standing male friends before? If not, why did he feel he needed to send one to a female friend? What he did was yet again crossing a very fundamental, monogamous relationship boundary. There is emotion involved in doing what he did and it was done without regard for how doing something like that would make you feel. If there wasn't emotion involved and it was just a kindness, then he'd have sent his male friends something similar. No? (maybe he has.. let us know)

[TheEvilJester]

Since I am not this guy, I certainly cannot comment for a fact. I can, however, offer the perspective of a guy who is capable of being more in touch with and open with his feelings/emotions than a "normal" guy. We also don't know the exact word for word content of the message he sent his female friend, so that could change my opinion on whether or not it was inappropriate as well. However, from the brief description she gave us of his message to this friend, it sounded a lot like a message I may send to a female friend myself. For the record, would I sent the same kind of message to a guy friend? Yes, I absolutely would.

Would I be AS likely to send the same kind of message to a guy friend? Not quite AS likely..... but for one simple reason... Guys usually don't tend to be that open with their emotions. Guys tend to consider that stuff (between bros, at least) sort of unspoken and not needing to be said. In fact, more often than not they seem to consider it something that flat out shouldn't be said. Right or wrong, that sort of stuff tends to make guys uncomfortable, especially coming from one guy to another. Women are typically much more accepting of that sort of thing, and in fact often appreciate it. Of course, if it crosses boundaries it can still make them feel uncomfortable, but as long as it is in the appropriate context for the particular friendship/relationship/whatever it is, women do tend to appreciate that sort of thing.

To the OP: I only say this to offer you perspective on why it is certainly possible his intentions are 100% innocent. I don't know him, nor do I know the actual content of his message. For all I know, his message could be inappropriate. However, the bottom line is if this stuff bothers you, then it bothers you. You are not wrong if it bothers you. That is understandable. He needs to learn the proper balance for what is both appropriate and will keep you feeling comfortable with the situation. The good news is, it sounds like he has been doing that. So, if he continues to sincerely put in effort, then what more can you ask? You may still want to exercise caution. Again, since I don't know the guy I can't say from experience. There could be the possibility he is simply one of those guys who will tell you what you want to hear and never really be sincere about it. If that is the case, you will find out eventually. Guys like that don't get away with it forever. But, like I said, it doesn't sound like that is the case with this particular fella, so hopefully he truly is sincere.

Good luck to you.

[Julia51423]

Okay I am here to update all of you and answer all of your questions!!

I talked to him again

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Hey guys so I'm here to give you all an update and answer the questions from all of you! Read this carefully bc it will probably answer most of ur questions.

So basically I talked to him and we had a nice long honest talk about everything.

The beginning of the conversation had a lot of fire in it... Or mostly in me.. It was almost an argument but it wasn't and he was still so understanding of everything. This is basically how the conversation went. I started off by telling him:

Me: "the long birthday appreciation message you sent to to R (we will call her R) seems really concerning, because you sent the same type of thing to me when I knew you had feelings for me and we were still in the "talking" stage. You said to me "you are a really special person to me and I am thankful for having you in my life, and I hope you're in my life for a long time to come" and the fact that you would say the same thing to her is really concerning. Although it wasn't even my birthday when you told me that, you still did.
Him: "oh but they had completely different meanings love. I meant it to her in a sister way and I only see her as a sister. I meant it to you in a deeper romantic way and they are not the same at all. I could never have those types of feelings for her or anyone but you. I love you.
Me: "Yeah but you didn't always see her as a friend, remember? You told me you used to actually really like her. Oh wait! No, actually, you didn't tell me. I found out by ASKING you after we already started going out that you used to like her. And the fact that you never even told me makes you think you were trying to hide something from me..."
Him: No no Julia I wasn't hiding anything from you. The only reason I didn't tell you about that was because it was long ago and didn't mean anything to me and was long forgotten. ****... Julia.. I'm so sorry... (At this point I could tell he was starting to get choked up) Just give me a minute baby I feel like I'm about to break down... You know the thought of you thinking that way about me hurts me too.. It breaks my heart.
Me: oh no love please don't cry. I just need to let you know how truly feeling I just need to talk. Take your time love.
(After a few minutes he calls back)

[Wakeup]

I ask: What exactly makes you his significant other if he's sending the exact same words to another woman? His INTENT makes no difference to how what he did disrespects you.

Sounds like your bf needs some lessons in relationship boundaries and what is considered to be crossing the boundaries in a monogamous union.

By telling her what he did he's giving her the impression that he feels for her in a manner that is much more then "platonic." Not only that, he's given YOU the same impression. If you're going to stick around as his gf while he crossing boundaries of the platonic kind with her and boundaries of the romantic kind with you, that's up to you but I certainly would be educating him on what is and isn't appropriate (that letter was not) and what is and isn't acceptable.

The dynamics of his platonic same sex friendship should change once he's in a romantic relationship. He doesn't seem to get that.