What to do in our marriage torn but love him.

[Miss Choc]

I have been going out with my husband 8 years married for 4. During our 8/9 years together it was great we have been through lots of stuff together good and bad only thing that used to worry my husband was we were chalk and cheese he was into books, computers alone time I was sociable and into other interests. Anyway he was never the buy a house, get married sort of guy but he did those things for me because he loved me I didnt push him it was the natural progression we had fun times everything was good physically and mentally. About 8 months ago things had changed a bit in him and I put it down to a mid life crisis symptoms included late nights out with friends and at work, not wanting to come home, no affection/physical relationship for 7 mths. My ill sister lives with me but we have respite and even when there was a window of opportunity for us time he didnt use it. It made me feel frustrated, unattractive (though he says I'm not) and hurt. His reasons are lack of common interests and a case of loving me as a flat mate but not a wife I was a bit in denial and knew we were coasting a bit but to hear it straight out was like a thunderbolt naturally enough lots of tears, hurt, anger from me I know we have separate interest but we have a few mutual I dont qualify as this being a reason to go our separate way considering we have been though so much together (btw we dont have kids).
Anyway through my lowest ebb 3 weeks ago I was out with some non mutual mates and a cute guy showed interest we had stuff in common and we dancing and talking all night I kissed him but I didnt want any more as I was married he also was in a 5 yr relationship our stupid alcohol heads got the better of us and I stupidly slept with him I felt guilty but to say it was fantastic and liberating is an understatement if a very affectionate person hasn't had sex in 7 months with her husband it's very frustrating. The guilt set in next day and we mutally agreed it was fun and that was it as it was too complicated for both of us. I am due to do my first counselling session in two weeks with my husband I love him dearly and dont want this crap happening again. All I want is the guy I loved back and the physical affection. I got more affection out of a stranger in one night than I did out of my husband in 7 months. The guy just flattered me I know probably to get what he wanted but I was 10 years older than him and it gave me the boost of confidence I needed it just felt so good to get good sex again sorry for being crude. I have never had a one night stand before as it went beyond my beliefs if i am in a relationships but I have been so down something just had to give. I can't tell our mutual female friends as it is an awkward secret to keep esp when they all love my husband. I don't even know if I should tell my counsellor in private I dont want her branding me as a slut I feel bad enough as it is but I know I needed a release that night from someone who showed me affection.

[Wakeup]

Do the couples counselling and don't expect immediate results. I will tell you something though. You best learn how to refrain from doing what you did with men you don't even know if you break up and start dating again because you will end up shredding your own heart seeing that your self-esteem is at it's lowest and your personal boundaries need honing.

Should you break up, you'd do well to learn how to love yourself again before you put yourself out there getting all your good feelings from men rather then accomplishing things and working on being the best you that you can be. A happy single knows how to pick good men and quickly chuck the chucklers. Those chucklers that are brilliant at sussing out vulnerable new singles who haven't been appreciated at home for awhile.

Good luck to you.

[Miss Choc]

Thanks yeah if I do end up dating in the future I don't want to be drowning my sorrows to a guy he will either 1. take advantage or 2. run a mile. I will need some me time and not rush into a date tempting as it can be.

[bcgirl]

marriage takes work especially after years and years together. We start to take things for granted when once upon a time in the beginning we were head over heels "in love". Think about the things you and your husband do have in common. What type of things do you enjoy together? Every individual is different and share different interests. Can you find something that you two have in common that will bring more time between the two of you? Do you two enjoy eating? Everyone does. With modern life now a days both my husband and I are busy with work and our own personal hobbies (that are different) but we still make it a point to have date nights and do something together that we enjoy for example dining at a good restaurant together.

You need to be careful about your feelings for this one night stand. You are feeling excited because of the fact that you finally got laid so don't allow disillusion to take over.

Time spent together increases communication which increases admiration which increases affection. Less time spent together will decrease all of the above.

[Miss Choc]

I know what you are saying since the ONS I cant stop thinking about sex I want it now more than ever because it felt so good to have it again and with someone who flattered me (even though I wont see them again) I know what I have to do but my husband has a lot of work to put in too just even simple things like holding my hand, giving me hugs, being close to me whilst watching telly and kissing me goodbye in the morning. I really miss affection and tbh I know it was bad but I enjoyed my ONS I would never ever have done something like that if I was getting loved. He defo is distancing himself more from me re meeting friends, sleeping, late at work whilst I am trying to suggest stuff for us to do and places to go. It's hard when he disses it and doesnt want to talk either as least we will be doing counselling soon. I hope it will work the thought of dating after so long fills me with dread.

[Miss Choc]

Well just giving an update on whats been happening good and bad. We have mutually decided to end our relationship. Main reasons falling out of love (but in love together as good friends), no sexual attraction on my part, laziness, no interests together. It was still coasting along the same way (going to do counselling end of this week). It kinda came to a head on Sat out with mutual friends watching match and he was just peed off that he had to come all the way out other side of town instead of watching game with his mates in city. But he said he would do it for me as he didnt want me sitting in on my own being miserable. One of my friends is getting married in the Summer and they were talking dresses and happy etc and I was getting overcome a bit I was trying to hide it ( didnt help that my dog of 15 years was diagnosed with heart failure day before so I was upset over that too) anyway, I turned to him and said I dont think I can be here and he was discreetly getting peed off with me cos I made him go all the way out to this pub he didnt like. He was just in bad form and had an attitude all day after the match we got in a taxi and went home (if he wasnt dying of a cold he would have gone into town without me) I sat him down in the study (Sister was upstairs asleep so it was ok) and told him was counselling worth it if this is gonna happen all the time with you. He was agreeing and saying he was totally miserable and didnt want this happening to us where it will just fester more and more. He would prefer to leave on good terms and be best friends. I told him I kissed someone (I only said this as I didnt want to hurt him) two weeks ago as I was craving love, affection and flattery I have not had sex in months or affection in a few weeks I don't want to settle for this for the next 30/40 years of my life. Anyway he had told me also that he had kissed someone before Christmas a person he knew and she had got through a break up so it was a mutual shoulder to cry on. When we told each other this and agreed that it was probably for the best and we would be best friends to each other it was like a weight had been lifted esp for husband. His personality just changed straight away he was crying and just had felt like this for so long and was putting pressure on him therefore being a pissed off at me all the time, working and partying late etc he just did not want to come home to me. He wants to have his own space but will still contribute to mortgage as he knows I don't work. He still wants to contribute to be there always to help with my sister and said if I need him for anything he will be on call all the time. That night we talked more and had a laugh more than in the last couple of week it was so refreshing to talk to the person I used to know. As they say he was becoming bad husband material but an excellent friend. (in the past we would sit in a pub trying to think of what to say to each other) this night though we chatted, hugged got a takeaway and watched a film and I really enjoyed the night no physical affection involved just like living with a roomie and having a laugh. I guess it is a bit harder on me as I have been with him for so long and I will miss him but to be honest he was spending half the week in friends houses or hotels near work, no affection at all, no interest in house and was just using the house to come and go so it wasnt really a proper marriage. I feel both of us can move on now even though I still am in some denial and would like it to work but I would prefer a good friend than a miserable marriage. We agreed that we will still socialise, go to gigs and in time go on hols together that is how close we are We both fell relieved annoyed that it went this far but stuff kept happening and we would just paint over the cracks and move on when there were always underlying issues that I didnt want to deal with cos I thought I could change our problems. Anyway hopefully I can find love again I just need time to heal and having a laugh with friends as it can be a very delicate and emotional time for us.

[Wakeup]

Yea... any new guy you find to love is reallllllllly going to just love you going on holiday with your ex husband now "best friend."

Sorry for the sarcasm but you're not breaking up, you're just saying you are but neither of you are severing a thing other then the agreement to be monogamous with one another.

You should sell the house and split the proceeds and get on with your life without him in it. Anything less is the both of you just using other people as emotional tampons.

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I'll add that as long as any guy knows you're still living with your ex husband and hanging out with him like you're besties will not take you seriously. Watch your heart. Don't mistake sex for love.

It's good you think you're ending the marriage but are you really?

[Miss Choc]

I hear what your saying it's not like I'll go backpacking round Europe with ex whilst in a new relationship. This would be way down the line I don't even know what will happen myself it's all new I have never even done online dating as I met husband so long ago.
I have to be practical I can't just up sticks and sell house I am a carer for my sick sister who is used to the house and who has her daycare facilities and centres in the area, after living in the same area nearly 8 years I have put down roots with friends and things I do around the community. Also house prices are crazy my husband will be moving into town as it will be nearer his work and it makes more sense as I will be staying at home. it sounds a cliche, but despite losing my husband, I really have gained a best friend we have been through so much in our lives I don't want to throw that friendship away why should I? I know a lot of breakups end up bitter and twisted but we agreed not to do that surely that is for the best. At 40 I am still young enough to meet someone I dont want to be alone I dont think it like having my cake and eat it I just want to be civil with my ex and meet a new man for a future relationship. Everyone is entitled to companionship and friendship in life.

[dontaskme]

Wait till your ex starts dating and his new best friend will be his new girlfriend. Have you psychologically prepped yourself for that?

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While your situation may be difficult, you need to start planning on how you can become financially and emotionally independent of your ex. It will be inevitable that one of you will soon move out of the house and you'll need to go it alone in life without your "bestie".

[Miss Choc]

Yep well I am preparing later for dating etc He was going to be moving out anyway as he wants me to stay in the house esp with my ill sister and the dog. He will be renting in the city close to work. We will sort our bills but he will mainly help with mortgage and helping with medical stuff re my sister down the line as I am only on carers benefit. We have spent so long together also with about 10 mutual friends and love each others relatives that cutting ties completely is not an option. He has said he is not ready for dating at all just not if it happens it happens but he wont be looking as he needs to sort himself out, work, financial stuff and personal stuff in his head last thing he needs is a relationship. I will be on my own but sure to be honest I have being in a certain sense last year or so ie him working late, staying in friends/hotels, no physical/emotional love. We realised we are far better suited as friends and I think it will be more of a shock to our friends than us as they thought we were the perfect couple. I want him as a friend but I need to move on so I can do stuff I want to do and not be in a miserable marriage and enjoy the excitement of meeting someone new that will better suit my needs.

[JRodriguez]

Yep well I am preparing later for dating etc He was going to be moving out anyway as he wants me to stay in the house esp with my ill sister and the dog. He will be renting in the city close to work. We will sort our bills but he will mainly help with mortgage and helping with medical stuff re my sister down the line as I am only on carers benefit. We have spent so long together also with about 10 mutual friends and love each others relatives that cutting ties completely is not an option. He has said he is not ready for dating at all just not if it happens it happens but he wont be looking as he needs to sort himself out, work, financial stuff and personal stuff in his head last thing he needs is a relationship. I will be on my own but sure to be honest I have being in a certain sense last year or so ie him working late, staying in friends/hotels, no physical/emotional love. We realised we are far better suited as friends and I think it will be more of a shock to our friends than us as they thought we were the perfect couple. I want him as a friend but I need to move on so I can do stuff I want to do and not be in a miserable marriage and enjoy the excitement of meeting someone new that will better suit my needs.

The moment you find out he's dating, you're going to be devastated. The moment he finds out you're dating, he'll stop 'contributing'. I've seen it happen time and time again. You think you're different, but you're not.

[dontaskme]

The moment you find out he's dating, you're going to be devastated. The moment he finds out you're dating, he'll stop 'contributing'. I've seen it happen time and time again. You think you're different, but you're not.

Obviously, the OP's expectations are very unrealistic. She'll be in for a rude awakening, lol.

I've seen it happen every single time to my dad's clients.

[JRodriguez]

Obviously, the OP's expectations are very unrealistic. She'll be in for a rude awakening, lol.

I've seen it happen every single time to my dad's clients.

So true. I'm 48 and have seen my fair share of split ups divorces and so on from both friends and family in 5 different countries. The story is always the same. He cheated or she cheated ... it doesn't matter. Ex Wife can't maintain her lifestyle without the Ex Husband's help. He helps because he feels guilty over cheating or over not being there for the Ex Wife. Ex Husband almost ALWAYS ends up remarried within a couple of years, but regardless ... the MOMENT Ex Wife starts seeing someone BOOM, no more cash or if there's kids, it slows to a trickle.

[Miss Choc]

We are only in early stages of this but what we have agreed on it this when my husband moves out to rent I want him to take the rental income from my sisters house in the country (he bought her that house and she always believes it was his anyway she can't mentally/physically sort out stuff so I am her power of attorney. My husband will continue to pay the mortgage on our house but mutually agreed that if someone moves in he won't understandably I would expect rent from a future partner luckilly we dont have a massive mortgage. I can sort out other bills. We dont have kids so there isnt education, to think about but I have to think down the line to long care help for my sister if she gets worse so I am putting some money aside for that. I can then go back to work. Mentally for us it is a major transition I am old school when you marry you marry for life but life can throw a spanner in the works and I dont want to continue a marriage if I am miserable with a grumpy husband, causing tension in the whole house and no spark in our relationship he is of the same mind. We both have to act responsibily and do what we have to do. He is very close to my sister and will always help if I am in trouble but we need our space to move on out of this marriage. I'm not a high maintenance gal I have my own money, savings so I don't depend on him for everything. I wouldnt expect him to hand me out money if I was seeing another guy and vice versa. It will be a long process as I am only in the process of drip feeding the news to close friends at the moment who all thought we were this wonder couple I dread telling everyone more than the actual process as once it's out there it's out and getting the 20 questions from everyone doesnt help have two weddings this summer of mutual friends but sure hopefully both of us will get inner strength to move on and begin a new happier chapter in our lives.

[bcgirl]

I'm glad to hear that the both of you broke up in good mutual terms. It's no surprise that your husband had cheated on you too. I'm also willing to bet that his cheating wasn't just a kiss with a girl either (just like you didn't "just kiss" a boy).

Don't expect him to support you and pay the bills though. He is probably happy right now that he is free from you and he can go party, screw and be with his mistress. He has agreed to pay your bills now, but most likely this verbal agreement will not stand for very long.