Lost respect

[Wakeup]

Wakeup, I'm not judging him as a person atall

Yes you are.

, but his views are judgmental.

and so are yours to him.

Dismissing someone as "immature" so "just stop seeing her" is also being judgmental and quite dismissive to him.

I'm not arguing that I'm arguing the fact that you're being judgemenal to him when you call him "judgemental."

If he was concerned by the way his girlfriend act's around other males since they've been together then fair enough. But his title is "Lost respect" and his concern was "since my girlfriend told me how many she slept with before me I have lost respect for her". And in not one of his replies has he suggested his girlfriend has disrespected him in anyway.

What has that got to do with you being judgemental of his own moral compass?

He mentioned he dislikes promiscuity in people. If that's his views then fine. I'm not sure how he will get past this if he feels so strongly about promiscuity. But if he loved his girlfriend like he says he does, and everything was great before he found out about her past then if that's his only issue, he is not only being judgmental, by saying he's lost respect for her, but also extremely foolish if he lets this get the better of him.

He had love and respect for the person he thought she was... now that he's found out she's not that chaste person his views have changed and LOVING her has nothing to do with whether or not two people can maintain and nurture a relationship enough to keep it that way. This "if he/she loved you" mentality is idealism at its finest. I'm a realist and I know for real that it takes more then 'love' for a relationship to continue and be happy and functional.

It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round and not everyone is the same. And not everyone has to be the same to get along!

More idealism

You suggest he should end it and find a girl who's not slept with as many people. What's he ment to do? "Hi, I find you attractive and I would like to take you out... But, errr, first.... How many people have you slept with?".

Oh ffs there are more subtle and mature ways of getting that question out in the open early on then telling someone they like them but what's your history. To begin with, the very fact that you've asked them out on a date or, you've accepted a date it means there is attraction so no need to voice that kind of thing before you've actually gotten to know someone through time together and conversations about one another.

That's not usually a question that comes up until you're both quite comfortable with eachother a good few dates down the line when you've already started to like eachother. If he keeps doing that he'll get no where!

I've explained to you that you do that BEFORE you become vulnerable to someone not after you already have.

If he genuinely loves his girlfriend then he'll get past himself to get past this issue.

Oh pleeze... platitudes such as that is why the divorce rate is so high today. People think that if you "genuinely love someone" you'll put up with anything or let your own personal boundaries drop for them. Well, sorry but it doesn't work out well for you when you do things like that.

At the end of the day respect is a two way street and he should do a little bit more to earn her respect instead of just judging her past when they had absolutely nothing to do with eachother.

Past behaviour very often predicts future behaviour so you may want to stop with the platitudes and try to understand that not only to men have standards that they'd not want someone that has no discernment in who they have bedded, but how they have (ONS, booty call, FWB, non-committed unions) but so do a lot of women. It's a fact of life that no one should have to accept something that is not acceptable to them.

It seems to me that he's just a little bit intimidated by her past. That's natural! In the back of his mind he maybe paranoid, due to his own lack of experience, in how he compares in bed to these x amount of other men. Not to mention being put off because he now knows all the men she's slept with. If that's the issue and he can't handle it then he's got a massive problem because he won't get past it. But that's his problem, not hers! She's done nothing to deserve his lack of respect because he weren't on the scene back then.

lol

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I said I was being the Devils Advocate!

I ask, if he found out that she was a child molester but she wasn't molesting any children while she has been with him, would you think that her past didn't matter and you'd be fine with continuing to respect her and have her around your children?

[DD100]

Aaahahahahaha Wakeup has just woke up!! Honest to god, you are so black an white, you're boring! There is absolutely no colour in your views atall! You try to live up to your user name like you are some embodiment of enlightenment that you can't accept another view! Whether you are a man or a woman I do not know! But from just the posts I have seen you don't seem to accept anyone else's view but your own because you are that highly opinionated of your self! Don't get me wrong, I agree with some things you say but I notice a pattern of you talking down to people of a different view point as if they're stupid, rather than being constructive. With your views being so black and white, all 12,500 of them, I'm guessing you haven't had that much experience of life yourself sitting behind a computer all day! And with your strong "I'm totally right, you're wrong" attitude I can't imagine your relationship is too much fun, or even functional itself - unless you're with someone who lets you just have your own way all the time. You don't really seem like a nice person atall and while I admire the fact you're straight to the point, I believe it's because you don't have to deal with the aftermath of whatever bad advice you may give. All in all, you dont seem too happy in yourself and being 'Wakeup' seems to be your only outlet in life to give you a sense of self importance - I think you may need therapy

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As to your latest edit, he hasn't stated she has disrespected him atall and comparing someone who's not to shy in sex to an actual paedophile is not only unrealistic but completely irrelevant to what the OP has asked! He hasn't said she's a paedophile or anything comparible to that! He's judged her on how liberal her attitude towards sex had been before she was with him

[Wakeup]

You see how you deflect. When you're not intelligent enough to debate the subject at hand, you attack the poster. Do you know how to read the words: "I'm the devil's Advocate" (and I said it in my first post as well as in the edit you quoted) In this instance, that means I'm going to go against the grain of the majority here and actually give further thoughts on the side of the Op.

Personally, I think rhetrograde jealousy is a waste of time (in most instances) but there is certainly a lot of evidence that many, many people that have not been discerning in their single lives have a hard time changing their need for strange. There are also people out there with morals and standards that have different personal and relationship boundaries and someone that is in the habit of having one night stands, FWB or FB's would not be a good match in the standards and boundaries department.

Now... blow it out your ass, or learn to debate without taking it to attacking the person you're replying to.

[TablesandChairs]

More information needed.

Did she sleep with 50 randoms within a 1 month period? Or did she just sleep with a few people because she was young, single and not looking for anything commitment-heavy? The latter is no grand predictor of anything. Some people are serial monogamists, others may have played the field a fair bit but when they do commit, it's forever. Has she cheated on you? Is she flirtatious with others? Is this about respect or is it about jealousy?

Depending on your age and culture - it's going to be difficult to find the Virgin Mary. Focus on the present and leave the past behind because no doubt everyone's history is littered with a few incidents they'd rather not publicize. Or you can just as easily accept that her past is an issue for you and break up; it's not something she can erase. It is what it is so the onus is on you - either accept it or don't.

[xmk]

Well it doesen't matter anymore, because i broke up with her.
I can't build my future with someone i don't respect.
And the tought of the mother of my future children as someone who has ****ed all my friends, made my choise easy.

[woody]

Yes you are. and so are yours to him.
I'm not arguing that I'm arguing the fact that you're being judgemenal to him when you call him "judgemental."

What has that got to do with you being judgemental of his own moral compass?

He had love and respect for the person he thought she was... now that he's found out she's not that chaste person his views have changed and LOVING her has nothing to do with whether or not two people can maintain and nurture a relationship enough to keep it that way. This "if he/she loved you" mentality is idealism at its finest. I'm a realist and I know for real that it takes more then 'love' for a relationship to continue and be happy and functional.

More idealism

Oh ffs there are more subtle and mature ways of getting that question out in the open early on then telling someone they like them but what's your history. To begin with, the very fact that you've asked them out on a date or, you've accepted a date it means there is attraction so no need to voice that kind of thing before you've actually gotten to know someone through time together and conversations about one another.

I've explained to you that you do that BEFORE you become vulnerable to someone not after you already have.

Oh pleeze... platitudes such as that is why the divorce rate is so high today. People think that if you "genuinely love someone" you'll put up with anything or let your own personal boundaries drop for them. Well, sorry but it doesn't work out well for you when you do things like that.

Past behaviour very often predicts future behaviour so you may want to stop with the platitudes and try to understand that not only to men have standards that they'd not want someone that has no discernment in who they have bedded, but how they have (ONS, booty call, FWB, non-committed unions) but so do a lot of women. It's a fact of life that no one should have to accept something that is not acceptable to them.

lol

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I said I was being the Devils Advocate!

I ask, if he found out that she was a child molester but she wasn't molesting any children while she has been with him, would you think that her past didn't matter and you'd be fine with continuing to respect her and have her around your children?

WakeUp, in your response to DD100 (or something like that) Woah. What's up with the odd comparative example in your last paragraph there? Yikes, don't you think? It went from sexually promiscuous to 'sicko'.... What's up with that? You ok?

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O.P

While I get the whole 'Crikey, how many did you say?' 'WEll holy f__- indeed, gee I can't look at you the same way anymore.', may I add, everyone has a past, every single one of us and we've all had other sexual partners. (well, most)

What a drag it is indeed that your (now ex) lady slept with people in your social group (because if you didn't know them, would it still be an issue for you???), alas, they were people you know, (and shame on your roommate for telling you the details, way to go roommate, thanks allot pally boy eh?)

You are young. So is she. Pretty standard stuff to explore within the group of kids you hang with when younger. Exploring one's sexuality seems safer within the net of a close social group, especially at the younger ages when we first begin to explore such. The fact you found out her number and 'who' belongs to the numbers would be tough on anyone. Jealousies ensue and if we know the persons, gee, flippin great thank you very much right? F__. Talk about imagery you don't want.
But you must understand, nothing that happened is her fault. Seems a shame that other than finding out her past details you rather liked the young woman. And now you've lost her.

OH well, lesson learned? Don't know what your lesson is...but hopefully you learned something.

I can't help but to wonder though, if your number was comparable to her's, would there still be a problem Houston?

Coco Beach out.
good luck getting grip

[Wakeup]

WakeUp, in your response to DD100 (or something like that) Woah. What's up with the odd comparative example in your last paragraph there? Yikes, don't you think? It went from sexually promiscuous to 'sicko'.... What's up with that? You ok?

Well, this whole thought process is about what is and what isn't acceptable to people. I'm sure that to most people, they would not stay with someone that has a history of didling children even if they haven't done it while with them... or even had psychiatric help for it... It's the same thing with people that do not want to be with someone that is not discerning in who they bed. It's called having personal boundaries and standards and not letting them down just because you happen to love someone.

As I've said 100 times before. Love is NOT enough to keep people happy with whom they are with. Compatibility in all avenues of the essence of who we are deep down is key.

I believe that It's ideal thinking people that marry those who are not having the same ideals, standards, morals, thought processes, personal and relationship boundaries that end up divorced/broken up so the op is adhering to his personal boundaries, ideals, morals, and probably the way he was raised and simply wants someone who has his same essence.

Hope that explains the jist.

[DD100]

Wakeup, I don't lack intelligence. You just bore, not only me, but alot of others, out of debate! The way you write isn't about debate, it's a 'let me talk down to you' session! You're a sad act and I couldn't be bothered with this 'devil's advocate' crap - because that's what it is... Just crap! Your views are too black an white to even debate with so it's not down to lack of intelligence. See the rest of the views above - they are normal responses to the OP's question! What your 'devil's advocate' crap did was validate what the OP wanted to hear and now the poor lad will be kicking himself in a few weeks for listening to you. Keep living behind your computer screen in your own self importance bubble if that's what makes your own ego thrive to pretend to everyone you're secure within yourself

[Wakeup]

DD: I know you're frightened because your gf has a past of cheating and kissing other men when not with you so you are grasping at straws to justify that past behavior does not predict future behavior. The realilty is though that it often does.

BTW: If you don't like what I have to say in my posts then don't read them. It's that simple. There is an ignore function that you can put me on.

Hope you calm down and stop taking what strangers on the internet have to say about anything so seriously, really. Particularly when the thread isn't even about you. Its disconcerting that you get so emotional about what is said.

[woody]

^^^"and stop taking what strangers on the internet have to say about 'anything' so seriously"??? huh. WTF..W.U

gee. I thought this was a forum where so called strangers could share their personal woes and hopefully be taken seriously. Otherwise, what's the point? Did you really mean that?

[DD100]

Hahaha wakeup, your name isn't really befitting for someone who obviously says everything with a pinch of salt - according to your last post!

Don't you worry about me. Your post on my last thread enlightened me to not see everything in black and white, so you did serve a purpose. Your in a world of your own! I think that's great haha. Self obsessed agony aunt haha

[TheEvilJester]

It's hard to judge in this case because (unless I just missed it) you didn't necessarily define a few clarifying details. Ex: How many different men she's been with, over what period of time, was she ever in a steady relationship while still "bedding" other guys, etc?

To be honest, even if she used to sleep with different random guys every night, there is not necessarily anything wrong with that if that is how she wanted to live her life at the time. Maybe she was young and wanted to enjoy her youth. Maybe she wanted to "play the field" a bit to find the right guy for her rather than just settle for the first guy to come along.

On the other hand, if she had a habit of cheating on boyfriends, or having unprotected sex without sharing that fact with her partners or regularly checking she is clean (or other such morally reprehensible things), that I would consider wrong.

Now, with that said, I also don't think there is anything wrong with you for preferring your girlfriend not to be quite so experienced. That could be your religious beliefs, or even just your personal moral beliefs. The only thing I would say is you cannot judge somebody for living a lifestyle you may not agree with when they are not hurting anybody else. If that was how she wanted to live her life before she knew you, you cannot fault her for your past. If it is make or break for you, I don't think that makes you wrong, I'm just saying it is important you realize she is not wrong either.

All the same, if it IS make or break for you, then it is better to let her go. She deserves to be with somebody who will appreciate her, just as you deserve to have somebody who shares your views and morals on important matters like that. Good luck to you, and to her.

[xmk]

No im not religious, its my personal POW.
And i don't think it makes a different how many it is, the problem is that im not comfortable with it.
But since you insist; She slept with a new guy aprox every 6. month starting at age 16.
And it grossed me out, and made me feel like a random number on her list.
(And she cheated on a earlier boyfriend yes).
The hard part is that we were 3 years togheter, and offcourse i had strong feelings for her.

But anyways that kind of women is a deal breaker for me. 1 week, 3 years, 8 years, doesn't matter.

[woody]

Ah, where have all the virgins (or close to it) gone?...

Your last post makes me wonder how old you two are; for if that's one lad every 6 or so months but she's been with you for 3 years? well, hhmm.

But as TheEvilJester points out (so eloquently I must say), you must do what your comfortable with.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, xmk, I think it sounds like you have made your decision. It sounds like this is a make or break thing for you, so it would likely be best if you ended it. Again, though, that does have to be your decision. Very rarely is breaking up a relationship something you should take lightly. Even in a case like this, you should at least seriously consider if her past is truly all that important to you, because you could otherwise be throwing away a great relationship over things that happened in the past. Our past is just that... our past.

That said, with the further details you have provided I can certainly more so understand your concerns. Averaging a new new guy basically every 6 months non-stop from the time she was 16? Even I'd kind of lean towards finding that concerning. Again, you can't really hold somebody's past against them, but I couldn't help but wonder what would make me so different if she'd been with so many guys before and it never worked out.

As if that weren't concerning enough, you say she'd apparently cheated on at least one guy before. In my personal view, that is often a deal breaker. I just have a hard time trusting that somebody who has proven themselves capable of doing that wouldn't eventually do the same to me.

Anyway, again you can't really hold her past against her. (Within reason, that is, since I find people who have cheated on their significant other to be somewhat iffy.) In other words, just because it may not jive with your personal point of view that she's been with so many guys, that doesn't make her wrong. For the record, though, it doesn't make you wrong either. But, the bottom line is, if it's a big enough deal to you then it's a big enough deal to you. You are not wrong for that and would not be wrong to feel she is not the right match for you because of it either. Just don't forget that it doesn't necessarily make her wrong either.

EDIT: By the way, you mention you have been together for three years. Are you just now finding out about her past? I'd be curious why it had not come up before. Had it just never come up for discussion, or did she deliberately hide it/lie about it?