What if my needs aren't compatible with my marriage?

[jak123]

First, my situation. Then my questions.

I'm a 41 year old bisexual man, married to my straight wife for 15 years. We have a young son, and a pretty darn good marriage. No infidelity, great communication, decent amount of physical compatibility.

Last month I met a straight man and we hit it off really well, became close friends too quickly, and I started getting a crush on him. It was the first time I had feelings for someone other than my wife since before I was married. Once I realized it, I saw that it could get out of control, so I told my wife about it, I told the guy about it, and we broke off all contact.

My wife wasn't happy about it, but we talked about it a lot, and the fact that nothing physical happened and I told her as soon as I realized that something emotional was happening meant that it didn't turn into a big deal. We discussed it, and then put it behind us.

After a few days, the intense heartbreak feelings went away, but I was left with unusual symptoms. Numbness in the put of my stomach, a fear of being alone and a weird inability to make simple decisions. Those things scared me, so I made an appointment with a therapist. I had one session with him, and came out of it with a mission - I need to find out what my Needs are, and figure out how to get them met.

It's been a month now, and I'm slowly starting to figure out how to find what my Needs are. Not even what my Needs are, just how to figure out how find out what my Needs are. It's harder than it seems to find what you really Need versus what you just want. The more I go through this process, the more I think that one of my needs is to have sex with men.

If I discover that is one of my needs, what do I do? Cheating without her knowledge is out of the question, I couldn't stand to hurt my wife that much if she found out. I did ask her once a couple years ago if I could have a casual fling with a married bisexual friend of my, but she said no, so nothing happened. I also can't see myself leaving her; we're really, really good together.

I'm not really looking for advice on what to do, although if you have any, fire away. I'm looking for advice about how to live with this. I've obviously been subconsciously denying this part of myself for 15 years, but now that I know it's one of my basic Needs, what is denying it going to do to me? Is it going to mess me up further, turn me into an emotional wreck? What can I do to stay sane, what skills will I need to develop to keep mentally stable?

Thanks.

[basilandthyme]

Do you ever get into any role play with your wife like having her swap genders? What about sex toys and anal play? Yes, I realise it's not the same as an actual guy, but I do know of one couple that this works for.

Just a thought.

[vashti]

LOL !!! If this was really the gist of your therapy session, you should fire your therapist.

According to your own statement, your wife meets your sexual needs; anything more is just a desire, NOT a "need".

[Wakeup]

It's harder than it seems to find what you really Need versus what you just want. The more I go through this process, the more I think that one of my needs is to have sex with men.

Uhm... your "needs" are: Water, air, food, shelter. There, I've figured it out for you now go back and get the therapy you need to figure out how to get over your want. You chose to be in a monogamous, hetrosexual LIFETIME union. That is what you're not taking into consideration when you make excuses to yourself by confusing needs with wants.

[dontaskme]

What can I do to stay sane, what skills will I need to develop to keep mentally stable?

^^^This is what you need to be discussing with your therapist instead of your "stupid" needs which you are obviously confusing with wants and desires.

Needs, you simply cannot do without... Wants are just bonus and luxuries in life that you can go on without.

[jak123]

B&T thank you! Gender role play might work, at least I can ask her and see what she says.

Vashti yeah I'm thinking I shouldn't go back to that same therapist. He wasn't the one that made me think one of my needs is to have homosexual sex, he just put me on the path to find what my needs are. That was something I slowly realized myself. He didn't do enough advising for my comfort though, he just let me talk, gave me nudges toward certain subjects and then at the end, told me "find out what your needs are". I would like more detail and nuance from a therapist. I'll have to think about what you said, the difference between a desire and a need is something I'm working very hard to distinguish these days.

Wakeup, if you really believe that one's hierarchy of needs doesn't extend further than what literally keeps you alive, then you don't have much to offer me in the way of advice. If you weren't being clear, then by all means explain what you meant. Otherwise, I would advise you to read up on the work of Abraham Maslow, and make sure your own needs are being met.

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Thanks dontaskme, that's a good point. I'm sorry you couldn't make it without insulting me.

[Wakeup]

I suggest you read up on what would happen to you if you went without water, air, food or shelter and compare that to what would happen if you didn't get to have sex with a man.

You'd soon know what was really a need and what was just a want.

[bcgirl]

your therapist is an idiot. Would he tell a pedophile who has "needs" to f*ck children that he should go out and explore his "needs" and figure out how to get these "needs" met?

[basilandthyme]

your therapist is an idiot. Would he tell a pedophile who has "needs" to f*ck children that he should go out and explore his "needs" and figure out how to get these "needs" met?

You're comparing pedophilia with being bi? I'm surprised you didn't throw in a comparison to necrophilia or bestiality.

You are f*cked in the head if you can see even a remote similarity.

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All of you who are scoffing at the OP discussing his Needs. He's talking about his Needs in a relationship. Needs in a relationship are more than shelter, air, water and food. A man in solitary confinement has these things, but I doubt any of you will say that his needs in life are being fulfilled. For example, in a relationship, I Need to feel loved, respected, supported and I damn well Need a sex life which is compatible with my desires.

You're mocking the therapist over one paraphrased sentence.

Would all of you recommend that a person who slowly realises they are gay stay in their marriage and suck it up? How is this fair to either party in the relationship?

[vashti]

Would all of you recommend that a person who slowly realises they are gay stay in their marriage and suck it up? How is this fair to either party in the relationship?

Yes, for the time being, anyway. He has a young child. It isn't about his dick anymore, and he says he has a good marriage.

[basilandthyme]

Yes, for the time being, anyway. He has a young child. It isn't about his dick anymore, and he says he has a good marriage.

You're quite right. The OP doesn't want to end his marriage. But he's not gay, therefore, I wasn't talking about him.

My gay example was me talking about recognising that a person (any person) has relationship needs. That when a person says they need respect or love or the right type of physical touch that it's not something to dismiss as being frivolous.

I think it's great that the OP doesn't want to cheat. I think it's great that he's getting therapy. I think it's great that he's allowing himself to explore the possibility that there's a side to him which could be repressed and which may be leaving him unfulfilled. He's got a tough journey ahead and I don't envy him one bit. But dismissing his needs as being frivolous is unfair.

If we were to tell every parent who struggles getting relationship needs met that it's a 'want' and not a 'need' we may as well close the whole board now and just leave a "quit complaining" sign at the top.

[dontaskme]

The problem with the OP is he wants to have is cake and eat it too. If every married man who desires to have sex outside the marriage are allowed to do just that, then why get married at all?

He's addressing his issue the wrong way with his therapist. He knows what the problem is and he needs to identify what's more important to him. He can't have it both ways.

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And yes, him wanting to have sex with a man is just that, a "want". He's already getting sexual satisfaction from his wife, anything else is simply an "extra" he wants as a side dish.

[Wakeup]

If we were to tell every parent who struggles getting relationship needs met that it's a 'want' and not a 'need' we may as well close the whole board now and just leave a "quit complaining" sign at the top.

Really? This is not a relationship "need" though. It is a selfish desire that excludes his wife and goes directly against his vows to forsake all others. Even if they were not married, it would certainly go against their relationship boundary of exclusivity and monogamy. He did not go into this union where is was agreed by him and his partner that it would be open to him pursuing his want.

You chastise a poster for comparing ridiculously however you are comparing respect and and love to sex outside of the union which, is equally a stretch.

If we were to go by your example then why should we expect monogamy at all? Surely there are many (all?) heterosexual couples that have given up multiple partnering for monogamy, should those that still have a desire for strange not give that up because to them it is a so called "need?" Are you saying that cheaters should always be forgiven because to them it is a "need?" Sorry Basil.. I just don't see your point.

It would appear that you are suggesting that his wife should just suck it up and let him explore this want of his?

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@ OP: IMO: I think You are having a hard time trying to figure out what you are... not what you need. Your therapist, if you are even understanding him correctly, has confused you more then he has helped. Do pick another and hopefully you'll get better clarity so you can figure yourself out.

[bcgirl]

it's a WANT not a need.

I got temptations, fantasies, desires, urges of cheating on my husband. In a perfect world I'd have 10 husbands who are all gorgeous with big d*cks. I've been a serial cheater since I was a teenager. My cheating urges almost feel like a "need". At the end of the day I'm a cheating addict, just like how some people may be addicted to gambling, sex, drugs, smoking, booze. I need to constantly keep myself grounded and think less selfishly with wisdom and morals.

Morals are more important than your own selfish wants and desires.

[basilandthyme]

He doesn't want to cheat - he was very clear about that. He thought my strap-on idea might work. Have the rest of you no ideas on how this desire can be met within the marriage? Now, if his wife is vanilla it could be a problem - but don't assume the only way forward must be cheating.

Getting his needs met doesn't mean that he has to look outside the marriage.