Boyfriend has really close "girl" friend??

[Julia51423]

Sorry this is sort of long but please read the whole thing. Okay so I have a boyfriend and we have been official for a few months, and let me just say that I really have never felt this way about anyone before, or this close to anyone. I have never been so deeply in love with someone, and I truly know in my heart that he loves me too. He is open, caring, honest, understanding, and just everything I could have asked for. He says he has never felt this way about anyone in his life, has told me things he has never told a soul before, and says he could see us lasting forever... Crazy as it sounds I could too.

But there is just one issue that has come up recently... And I keep trying to tell myself that I am being overly sensitive but I can't just ignore it. So basically, we met through one of his closest friends who is a girl that I happen to sort of be related to. Actually, they are best friends. And there have just been a few strange occurrences that bother me.

So one time he couldn't get a ride home from where he was, but eventually he found out she was available to give him a ride home. And then they decided to go to back to her place and hang out for awhile and then go to the mall. Her parents and her sister came with them, but still. He always texts me and tells me where he is but this one time he wouldn't text me the whole time he was out with her and when I asked him where he was he said "oh sorry I just like to focus on just my friends when I am hanging out with them" and when I asked who he was hanging out with and he said just her I was like "oh.... Ok..."

I also found out that she is also his snapchat best friend and he texts her a lot.. except we are the only two that are his snapchat best friends. I found out he just told me that he often messages her when I go to sleep and he has no one else to text. (please still take this thread seriously yes we are young but in college)

I figured they were just friends, but I also just found out that last year they both used to like each other for a little while. I started getting really worried and he said "its fine please don't worry I see her as a sibling now, it was such a short time and then we realized it wasn't worth ruining our friendship".. But I just can't help but worry about it in the back of my mind...

Help what do I do?!

[michelle23]

This would be a deal breaker for me and I would end it. Nothing good can come out of their "friendship". I have seen this before and its 99% likely that he does have feelings for her and would dump you tomorrow if she became interested.. there is also the added risk of him cheating. Its nearly always with someone you know and feel paranoid about. Listen to your gut. Its telling you something

[TheEvilJester]

I wouldn't personally consider it quite as cut and dry as Michelle does, though it sounds like she does speak from experience. Personally, I do not think it is automatically a problem for a male and female to be such close friends. I've said many times before that some of the best friends I have ever had in my life (and some that I currently have) have been/are women. (....I'm suddenly realizing I kinda made it sound like some of them transitioned from female to male. LOL! They are still women.)

In my personal opinion, this is one of those times where it is even less cut and dry. That is because this is not just some female friend of his. From what you say, this is his BEST FRIEND. So, that does make it a little more of a gray area, if you ask me. I mean, you can't ask somebody not to be friends with their best friend.

At the same time, though, there has to be appropriate boundaries understood and respected. By no means should he be hanging out alone with her, or talking to her so much. At least not until such a time that you trust both him and her enough to be okay with it (if you ever are okay with it). So, he IS crossing some boundaries of what is appropriate, but it at least doesn't SOUND like he is doing it on purpose.

Honestly, though, it would not be wrong of you if this is make or break for you. That would be understandable. So, I think the first thing you need to do is decide for your own self if you can live with him having her as a friend as long as no boundaries are crossed. If you don't think you can even live with that, then better to just end it. Even if it isn't his intention, you don't deserve to live with a constant concern that he cares more about some other woman than you, or worse, that he may eventually develop feelings for her and leave you. You can't ask him to stop being friends with somebody who is such a close friend, but at the same time he can't expect you to just deal with it if that doesn't work for you.

If you do feel like you can live with it as long as boundaries are respected, then best to talk to him about it. Don't make it accusatory or an attack. It should just be very matter of fact and just a light(ish) discussion. He just needs to know how you feel, and what he can do to make you comfortable with the situation. Hopefully the two of you can learn a way to balance this that works for you both.

I do readily admit that I may be the weird one, though. Well, I AM weird.... VERY weird... perhaps the better way to phrase that is I may be the weird one in this particular topic. A lot of folks are super iffy about the idea of men and women being such close friends. A lot of times it can become complicated. I've just never personally felt it is 100% out of the question. It is just about respecting appropriate boundaries that keep all parties perfectly happy. If, for you, those boundaries mean your boyfriend shouldn't have such close female friends AT ALL, that doesn't make you wrong. It does, though, perhaps mean this particular chap is not the right fella for you. If you can live with it so long as appropriate boundaries are respected, then it is up to you to make your definition of appropriate clear, and up to him to live up to it.

Good luck to you.

[Julia51423]

Thank guys I really appreciate your different points of views so much. But the thing is we just talked about it last night and in the end I told him it was ok and that I trust him...

But as you can see I actually am not ok. There was actually another strange occurrence that I just didn't write about. He had gotten a ride home from his "friend" one night late at night, and when he said who, he said the name of a girl, and I just got a really bad guy feeling. Keep in mind this was a different girl. Then he told me the next morning that this "friend" had actually tried to seduce him in the car and kept touching him in innapropriate places. He said obviously he yelled at her and told her how wrong it was and he absolutely did nothing, and he is cutting off that friendship for good now.

But when I asked him how close they were, he said they were pretty close, and they would always talk in school and stuff and he would help her with her guy problems. And I didn't even know she existed!! He said he only saw her as nothing more then a friend , but I still found it really strange that he was so close to another girl without me knowing. And I can't help but wonder if she thought he was flirting with her?

Idk what to even say to him... What do I ask of him?? Should I give it a few days? I don't know what to do.. But I know I have to say something because I am not okay right now.

[Jaschneider23]

I have to agree. Listen to your gut. It is telling you something for a reason. It sounds like there is more to their story. I think you will get hurt or always have this insecurity in your head. Take a step back from him

[Julia51423]

Thanks. But how do I bring it up to him? Are you suggesting I actually break up with him for a little while??

[Wakeup]

Don't break up with him just tell him that you're not comfortable with them hanging out and doing date like activities without you and if he can't stop doing that then you guess you're not right for each other because you have different relationship boundaries and when that is the case, it rarely means that both people in the relationship are happy and that one usually ends up settling just to remain in the relationship while being angst ridden, insecure or neglected. After all when he's spending one-on-one time with her doing date like activities, he's not with you, is he.

[jenniferaniston]

Hello Julia,

This is all about the agreement between both. You need to know when you should be a speaker and when you should be a listener. Respect each others opinions and shouldn't make any decision by yourself without telling your partner. you should to talk to him about your problem and trust him. Honesty is the key to everything. Conversing lets him know that you care and that you'll be there when he needs you. Don't pressurize him. It'll only make him more nervous and possibly upset.

[breathe123]

You met him through her, because of her, so she was in the picture first, was she the one who set you both up, was she cool you hooked up? Maybe there's mutual jealousy involved, how is she "sort of " related to you?

[Julia51423]

No she didn't literally set us up, but we met through her because she invited a group of her closest friends to a family party I also happened to go to. She's like a second or third cousin to me. She was cool with it though. In fact I recently found out last night that she even helped him out when we first started talking... She would say good things about him around me to try to get him to like me more! So I don't think there would be a mutual jealousy involved...

Oh geez.... Am I being paranoid over nothing..??

The only reason I a little bothered was because the one time they hung out just them two, which WAS only once, but he usually always makes an effort to text me no matter what, but that was literally the ONE time he was like, "oh I don't text when im doing other activities/hanging with friends" .. But I don't know if that's even worth bringing up because that was a few months ago.

And he really does treat me great. He buys me gifts, always tells me how amazing and special and beautiful I am, always makes an effort to talk to me and tell me where he is (except for that one time), loves me for who I truly am... But then again idk how he really is with her or other girls...

[TheEvilJester]

Hmm.... So there is another girl with whom he is really buddy buddy as well? I hate to sound overly cynical, but that does kind of concern me a little more. Especially considering you knew nothing of this other girl at all. Still, try not to think too much into that, but I would at least start to be a little cautious. If he truly does break off all contact with her (and sticks to it), then that is certainly a good sign.

Some people literally ARE just very nice people (I mean, I think some of them are still out there, anyway), and that can often be mistaken for something it is not. As much as I joke about being the embodiment of pure evil and unimaginable terror (because I totally AM. :-P ) I've actually always been kind of a nice person.... to those deserving of it. I've always prided myself on being the kind of guy a friend can count on and share even the most personal things with if ever needed. If a friend of mine needs somebody, I am more than happy to be there for them, and not in the least bit shy about letting them know. Sadly enough, with this crap-tacular world we live in, people are cynical enough that I've actually had people misunderstand this side of me for something it is not. I've had people think I'm insincere, I've had female "friends" who think it means I secretly want to be with them, etc., and yet often they judge without giving me the chance to prove my sincerity.

So, all that said, it could actually be he is just a good guy. The reliable kind of friend people know they can count on, so perhaps some people (this other girl, for example) mistake that for meaning more than it does.

Again, I still think you should be a little more cautious. Cautious, not paranoid. In other words, I wouldn't suddenly break into secret agent mode and start trying to spy on him to see if there are other "just friends" women out there with whom he may be crossing boundaries. At the same time, though, all the more reason to have the friendly yet firm conversation I was talking about before. In fact, the conversation should probably be expanded a bit now to include this new situation and any others like it.

You say you two have only been together a few months at this point, so it isn't entirely surprising if you don't know who all of his friends are yet. It isn't like it's a second date conversation where you go "Okay, here are all the people I know and have ever known and a 200 point ranking of how important they are in my life." LOL! Still, he shouldn't be hanging out one on one with female friends, especially when they are friends you don't even know exist. All the same, it sounds like that may have been a bit different. He needed a ride, and that particular "friend" was available to give him one. So, hopefully it really was intended as 100% innocent on his part, and just got out of hand due to her.

Again, I'd say proceed with caution at this point, though. That does seem even more concerning now that there seems to be other close female friends that you don't even know, but I still don't think it is necessarily make or break. That could just be me, though.

And, again, if you really are not okay with your boyfriend having such close female friends AT ALL, then that doesn't make you wrong. However, as I said before, it may mean that you two are not a good match. If that happens to be the case, then your views on what is a fairly important issue are too radically different. If you do not have a problem with him having female friends as long as the appropriate boundaries are not crossed, then perhaps you two can come to a mutual fair-ground that makes you both happy.

Again.... good luck!

[Julia51423]

Thank you so much TheEvilJester this is really great advice and I agree with basically all of what you're saying. I definitely am going to talk to him now.. I feel like I just need to clear a lot of things up and I would just be lying to myself if I didn't say anything or talk to him.

But when I do talk to him, what do I say? I really want to come off the wrong way, and don't want to make it seem like im attacking him.. But I also tend to beat around the bush a lot so I am afraid I will be TOO nice about it too. I am also afraid I will get choked up and the words just won't come out right... How should I approach him?? What do I even say...

Also, this may seem like an obvious question to a lot of you here, but I am genuinely asking this.. Should I talk to him about this in person, or over text?

P.S. He is the type of person who is a LOT better at getting his true feelings out over writing/texting, and so am I, so that's why I ask. But I know a lot of people feel that face to face interaction lets you see if the person is being genuine or not and that is the way to go. Just let me know what you think about that.

Thanks everyone for giving your opinions about this so far. I've never been this close to someone so much so I really just want to handle the situation the right way.

[Julia51423]

Can someone please answer kind of quickly?? I really want to talk to him ASAP because this is killing me

[Julia51423]

Okay I am literally talking him tonight! So I need answers fast!! What do I say?!!

[TablesandChairs]

You say this friend basically pounced on him in the car - maybe he doesn't do it intentionally but it's possible he's sending the wrong messages or she wouldn't have thought it was okay to do so. I mean, no one really pounces on someone if they think the other person has zero interest in them.

I would simply tell him that you're not saying he IS cheating but you are saying that his friendship with other women may be misleading to them and he might be verging on being inappropriate in the amount of time he spends with them. You don't expect him to isolate himself from all women - but just to be mindful that he represents himself as someone who is in a relationship - not as someone who is single.