I like a girl that I previously rejected...

[TheEvilJester]

Good luck to you. Glad to hear you finally opened up to her. A 5 hour distance could be a problem if you two do wind up becoming more serious. I know you say you are a little more of a loner-type, so it MAY not seem that big a deal to you. However, it could to her, as if you two do become more serious, she will expect to be able to see you more.

Obviously, this is a down the road conversation, but is there any chance of one of you moving closer to the other? I know I am getting a bit ahead of the game, as you are not yet even sure if she is still interested in you, but if things do move forward, distance can be troublesome.

If things do move forward with her, being somebody who has never really had/wanted a serious relationship before, you will definitely need to realize that it will be an adjustment for you. Heck, even if that starts slow you can even just share with her that it is a new experience to you and ask that she understand that and work with you as best as you both can. You do need to start to open up, though. To somebody, if it doesn't wind up being her. You are still young, but time goes by very fast. You don't want to wind up in your 30's, 40's, older and realize you have nobody and decide THEN that you want somebody. Being a longer is fine, trust me, but even loners need somebody.

Good luck to you. I hope things work out well for you.

P.S.

Dean Ambrose is rather awesome, though if I personally had my choice I'd rather be Bray Wyatt. For reasons the voices asked me not to get into. :-P

[Wakeup]

WakeUp, to what you said, Perhaps, but I still think it's good he's at least opening up to the whole possibility of romance. Remember, he's 25 and he's not had a serious relationship let alone been open to dating very much at all, at least not with someone he actually feels a depth of connection with.
At least now, he's growing with this experience, distance or no distance I think this is good medicine for the man..

This is not "romance" what he wants to be in is fantasy and not much more.

... and ... "Progress" would be the Op stepping out of his comfort zone and dating like he has been and quickly chucking those that he has no "connection" with until he meets one (in person who he can actually date in person) that he feels the chemistry with.

Online is not real life and if she reciprocates his feelings and ENABLES him by encouraging his anti-social tendencies, then that to me will be doing him a dis-service.

It would do well if she simply faded from contact with him unless they can see each other often and one or the other is willing to eventually move to be near the other.

I hope she's smart enough to not settle for someone who is a love avoidant.

Op: You'd do well to just stay single and get therapy to help you with your avoidance problem rather then hermit up at your computer station with some unsuspecting chick who lives five hours away from you and you can't be a boyfriend to.

This, of course is not what you want to hear but you'd do better if you worked on your issue with someone who can help you out of it instead of grasping at platitudes that enable you to continue in it.

[woody]

yeah well we're not him are we and we just can't project rationally the be all end all of opinions. This man is a recluse. Baby steps are what's happening here. Online relationships can and do develop pot calling kettle black.

WakeUp, your posts are doing the ol vertical swoop there lady. Clicking edit and saving remedies this back to standard and readable format.

and as far as your opinion, while I respect your views, i'm going to have to go ahead and strongly disagree with you on this one.
hope your well

[Wakeup]

"This man is a recluse" Yes and having an online (so called) relationship will keep him that way if he doesn't make an effort to get off his computer and commute out to see her often and for as long as he can.

Woody... this is NOT just an opionion... it's a fact. He's admitted what his issues are and those types of issues do not go away by someone enabling him to remain a recluse.

You can disagree but that doesn't change "facts" about the dynamics of his particular "ailment"

Thanks for the tip on "edit/saving"

[woody]

yeah well maybe it's progress for him.
and if you want to talk facts, well, neither of us are him nor do we know much about his life. Sure, it would be great if he gets out of his house and into the World BUT perhaps, just perhaps this whole going online thing 'for him' IS progress. Truth be told, we just don't know. ONly he does.

[TablesandChairs]

Do you have Asperger's or are you just a 'loner' by nature? The term introverted can be a bit broad - I use it to refer to people who don't absolutely love being in large social gatherings, who hate being the centre of attention and who generally prefer quiet nights in to going out clubbing. I'm an introvert but I love people, love being in (good) relationships and have no issues with commitment or avoidance. I do however, need my own time to read/watch movies or just do nothing much in order to re-energise. Extroverted people tend to gain energy through being social whereas I tend to lose it.

So, perhaps have a think about your own nature and the reasons for it. Relationships require time, energy, effort and commitment - without these things, any union between you and another will fizzle out eventually, no matter how big the connection was originally. And the aim of any long distance relationship is to eventually not be long-distance - so, that's another issue altogether.

[Wakeup]

yeah well we're not him are we and we just can't project rationally the be all end all of opinions.

That would go for your insights and or opinions as well, then... Yes?

This man is a recluse. Baby steps are what's happening here. Online relationships can and do develop pot calling kettle black.

They usually do not succeed and I suspect that neither of you two were having any problems with being able to commit or give yourselves to others in a vulnerable sense like this op happens to be suffering from.

and as far as your opinion, while I respect your views, i'm going to have to go ahead and strongly disagree with you on this one.
hope your well

As you can see by my posts that I strongly disagree with your thoughts on this particular situation as well. Hey, it happens. You say pOtato, I say PotAto. But we needn't call he whole thing off.

I say (once again and with clarity) You are giving him enabling dialogue that encourages him to not grow from his aversion to coming out of this "hermit" shell he is in or actually have to ever really and truly commit. Sitting in front of his computer and conducting a relationship that way isn't progress... it's an excuse to continue on in it. Its also not fair to this girl if she expects a relationship to advance him to get out to see her often or her to come and see him often too.



@ OP: What has this girl you have a crush on said? Last we heard she was thinking about your confession and needed time to process.

[woody]

Enabling this, enabling that, come on.
and my opinions are just that, opinions, not facts as you claim your words are. Not interested in a pissing match here but I must say, when you claim your words are not mere opinions but facts, well, that's just ludicrous. Your steady go to, "enabling" this, enabling that makes me wonder if your speaking more about something a little closer to home?
Anyway, while I dig you to bits and your no holds bar approach to many threads, I think this guy's working on himself and going at a pace that is comfortable for him. You want to say I'm enabling his behaviour by being supportive yet encouraging to span out, well, alright then. Guess I'm an enabler. Mass enabler Woody

kind regards there W.U
you know i think your great but your responding as though I told this guy to stay home and never leave. I did no such thing; I merely encouraged and understood what it is like to be a shy recluse, a hermit if you will. When one has no knowledge of how this feels, one simply cannot know so while I advised he take it in stride, share his feelings with her and establish a connection via online as they live 5 hours apart, I only implied to him that being open to communicating is a great step for him and i'll stand by that.
Enabling? sure. Bring it

[snoopy1983]

Agree for the most part with Woody. The key is to open up here. If you don't, then the girl will be unhappy in the long run. This is what you really need to work on. You don't need to open up to the whole world for that, just to that one special person.

You already know the girl likes you and you like her, so there is no insecurity there and I'm sure the two of you can figure that out, even after what happened.

[Wakeup]

Enabling this, enabling that, come on.
and my opinions are just that, opinions, not facts as you claim your words are. Not interested in a pissing match here but I must say, when you claim your words are not mere opinions but facts, well, that's just ludicrous. Your steady go to, "enabling" this, enabling that makes me wonder if your speaking more about something a little closer to home?
Anyway, while I dig you to bits and your no holds bar approach to many threads, I think this guy's working on himself and going at a pace that is comfortable for him. You want to say I'm enabling his behaviour by being supportive yet encouraging to span out, well, alright then. Guess I'm an enabler. Mass enabler Woody

kind regards there W.U
you know i think your great but your responding as though I told this guy to stay home and never leave. I did no such thing; I merely encouraged and understood what it is like to be a shy recluse, a hermit if you will. When one has no knowledge of how this feels, one simply cannot know so while I advised he take it in stride, share his feelings with her and establish a connection via online as they live 5 hours apart, I only implied to him that being open to communicating is a great step for him and i'll stand by that.
Enabling? sure. Bring it

Woody... The sheer definition of enabling as it applies here IS fact. Sorry but no amount of "opinion" will over-ride "fact." My posts in this thread are not "opinions" but rather insight as it applies to the words "enabling" or "codependency" or "hermit."

There is no "projection" from me in this or any other post... my words are based on fact as they relate to what the op has shared. No platitudes, no enabling words that the Op wants to hear. It's that simple.

BTW: You didn't tell the guy to NOT stay home and never leave, you simply told him that what he was about to embark on (a long distance relationship of the computer interacting kind) was "progress" when all it is, is him remaining in his comfort zone. After what you say about "one simply cannot know how it feels to be a recluse, shy, hermit" I have to wonder if it's You that is the one that is doing the "projecting."

He's always been "open to communicating" as long as it's behind the security of his closed door. He's always had trouble opening up to being vulnerable to a person he has had to be one-on-one in company with and that is where he needs practice. Not in talking to someone online. I ask you and the Op: How much practice do you think you're going to get in being able to give yourself to someone and be able to relate one-on-one while in their company and the company of their friends and family if you're five hours apart and will have very limited time in each others REAL LIFE company?

Cheers...

[url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enabling]Enabling - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/url]

^^^ The definition of enabling in a psychological sense... Read the "negative" connotation.

- - - Updated - - -

Repeating: @ OP: What has this girl you have a crush on said? Last we heard she was thinking about your confession and needed time to process.

[woody]

Fair enough I suppose but still, at the end of the day, the only person who's gonna know if 'progress' is being made, is him and him alone.
Many people have a hard time leaving the house, many...

Here's hoping this young man finds a comfort zone that expands and reaches out his doors and into the big wide world and may he feel safe when doing so...

[TheEvilJester]

As you can see by my posts that I strongly disagree with your thoughts on this particular situation as well. Hey, it happens. You say pOtato, I say PotAto. But we needn't call he whole thing off.

I say PEtatOO... just to really confuse people. But... you know.... I like to throw people off. Anarchy! :-P

[Wakeup]

lol ^^^

I think Jester is a diplomatic representative to the Republic of LoveForum.

@ Woody...

[woody]

Sun Salutes all round.....

Yes, agreed, TheEvilJester is an Ambassador of Quan.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, I like to think of myself as a wicked and malevolent trickster wreaking havoc and dancing to an audience of three.... me, myself, and I. :-P

But... I guess I'll take either of those titles you two mentioned as well.... even if I'm not quite so sure what a "Quan" is. LOL!