Did i make the right choice not responding to the texts? I feel really bummed out

[lily860]

A couple of months ago my husband and i separated. During this time i had met another guy that i started to have feelings for. The timing wasn't the best, but i really liked him and we continued to talk. He sent many mixed messages that had me confused, especially in my current state with feeling lots of emotions from the separation. I was so very relieved when my husband and i split as i had been unhappy for so long, but moving out and everything was still not easy.

We continued to talk for a while, and this guy seemed very interested in me. I started to feel like he could offer me everything i had lacked with my husband for so long. After a few dates, he started acting very distant and told me he had no interest in a relationship and just wanted to be friends. He said he found me attractive, wouldn’t mind being physical, enjoyed my company, and really liked me as a friend and wanted to continue our friendship. Another thing that confused me after saying all this is he would get jealous of other guy friends i had which i never really understood. After thinking that this guy was just after a fwb and confiding in a male friend of mine about this guy and how i felt confused of his behavior if he only wanted to be friends (flirting still, complimenting me, getting jealous over other guys), he told me the only real way i would know if he had any feelings about me and was for some strange reason lying to himself (although doubtful), or wanting to know if he really was just using friendship with me as a way to sleep with me, the best thing would be distance myself to see what his real feelings were.

On Monday he sent me some messages through Facebook messenger (this is how we usually communicate), and i read them but never responded. This was in the morning (i would say around 11am). It got to about midnight and i just happened to update my status, and he just messaged me going into one. He said i was being rude and clearly was ignoring him and he said i was being a d*** to him. He then said this means we are done so goodbye, and with that he defriended me. I couldn’t actually believe he got that mad about me not replying to him, especially as he has gone a whole weekend before not saying anything. I sent him a message saying “are you actually serious?” and he came back just saying he was just over my randomness.

Being the idiot i am i continued to talk to him through messenger and told him i was sorry that he felt i was purposely ignoring him. I told him i was just sick of him telling me he didn’t want a romantic relationship with me, but he constantly complimented me on how perfect i was as a girl, flirting with me, even at one point listing all the things he loved about me. I just thought to myself friends need to set some boundaries, and doing all those things is not right. I said to him “would you be interested in fwb?” to which he replied “hell yeah.”

With that i just decided that is all he wanted after insisting it wasn’t for so long, and constantly playing games and with my emotions for months and i couldn’t be bothered with at all anymore, so i blocked him. I was pretty surprised he just admitted it like that. Maybe he thought i was asking as that is what i wanted. My guy friend told me he guaranteed because i just blocked him without an explanation he would contact me some other way to ask what happened, and he sort of did. He text me saying “Oh you blocked me, and you tricked me into saying i wanted a fwb to confirm to yourself i wasn’t a very nice person, i didn’t know you were capable of being so deceitful.” I ignored it and never replied. My guy friend told me he thought that he was basically just telling me i tricked myself into believing that was what he wanted but it wasn’t, and that i probably wouldn’t hear from him ever again. 4 hours later, i got a text message that said “babe.” I ignored that too and then there was a day of silence. I was convinced he had given up only to get a message Thursday morning that said “are you still not talking to me?”

Do you think i am doing the right thing not responding to these messages? This guy played with my emotions which isn’t really what friends do to friends. He told me he had no desire for a romantic relationship with me because he didn’t think we were each others types. We know he wouldn’t have minded sleeping with me, but i basically figured out his intentions and blocked him basically revealing to him that i would never do that and didn’t want to talk. I really did fall hard for this guy. I am not sure if it was because he was the first guy that i liked after my marriage failed, but i do not know why continued to reach out. It is so hard not to respond back either. I am wondering if the last text was confirmation to himself that i was really gone and he won't try again? I just feel totally gutted. I thought this guy could have possibly been the one for me after my bad marriage, only for it to end badly too.

[basilandthyme]

Lily, yes you made the right decision to cut him from your life. There's no sense in keeping someone around who isn't after the same thing we are.

Having said that, I strongly disagree with the game playing you did as suggested by your other male friend. If you don't know what someone wants, TALK with them! Don't play silly games with them. While this technique may have gotten the results you needed to see, the game playing technique doesn't reflect well on you.

[dontaskme]

Did you even talk to this guy in person or on the phone? How can you fall hard on a guy that you are communicating via FB and text? SMH!

In my opinion, if a guy was serious with you, he would take you on decent dates and speak to you on the phone. Don't be naive! You were married once, you should know better than this already.

Next time, don't waste your time with texting and facebook messages if you are looking for a romantic relationship.

[woody]

Yup, hold out for the real thing there lady. When it hits, you'll both just know and that will be that.

You just got out of a marriage that ended badly. Time to get back to Yourself for awhile and enjoy the process.

[Wakeup]

This guy is a player and you've absolutely did the right thing by not responding to him. Now all you have to do is block and delete HIM so that he can't keep fking with your head.

He's using Pick Up Artist tactics on you and its really quite refreshing to read that you are smart enough and with enough self-respect to not let him hoover you back for more non-commitment and head fcking.

Your male friend has guided you well in this situation... thank him for his insight... In the meantime listen to what you are being told. This douche told you outright that he only wanted to be friends. When someone tells you that believe them... most times they mean they want to be your FWB or FB more likely and will do nothing that friends do together. Players, if you listen to what they are actually saying, very rarely lie. They don't have to because too many that get played simply do not listen to what they are being told and ignore red flags and carry on with the douche until they are shredded by his non-commitalness... which he told you from the beginning he did not want. Do you see?

Don't be naive! You were married once, you should know better than this already.

These two things do not go hand in hand. Just because someone has been married before it certainly doesn't mean that they've ever had experience with a player who only wants a leg over.

Op: You'd do well to get your divorce and stay away from online dating or trying to form relationships with random ass-wipes on facebook. These guys prey on vulnerable women (like those separated) who have likely lost a ton of self esteem by staying in marriages that haven't been happy for too long and letting their self-worth get whittled away one unhappy day at a time.

Do be cognizant of the red flags so that you don't ignore them. The next player you encounter may be a little more savvy and mind-fk you right into being his Fk buddy.

I do agree that you shouldn't have much to do with someone that only contacts you online and particularily if its only during the day.
Do not conduct any type of relationship via email/chat/text. If he won't advance that means of communication after you've met then he more likely then not has something to hide. (like a wife or live-in gf for instance).

- - - Updated - - -

BTW: Did you have sex with this guy?

[lily860]

No i never slept with him or did anything else with him, we did meet up multiple times though. It wasn't really planned and we just happened to meet through a meetup group i run, and when we got talking at first it was very friendly, but i just happened to start liking him. The timing wasn't the greatest with everything i was going through, but i guess we can't plan when we start to have feelings for someone. Do you think it is safe to say he has given up since it was 3 days since he last made contact? I have blocked all ways that i can cut off communication with him, but some still remain that don't have blocking capabilities and he could try if he really wanted to.

[lissa]

I think not responding to his texts was childish, to be honest. Yes, you should cut him out of your life, but he was pretty upfront about not wanting to seriously date you, and were the one that asked if he wanted to be FWB, so you don't really have a right to be pissed. Instead of playing games to try to change his behavior (which doesn't work in the long run anyway) you should have just decided what was best for you and been honest with him about it. You should have told him that you both wanted different things so you are ending things and ask him to not contact you anymore.

Now that being said, I think what's done is done and there is no way I'm recommending you get back in touch with him to tell him this at this point. It's very clear you need to continue to block him and not be in communication in order to let this thing die and allow your emotions for him to stop having such a hold on you. He told you he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. That is enough to know his intentions, and anything else he tells you is just flirting so no need to hold out on any hope for this. Just stay strong and do not contact him and do your best to stop trying to imagine what he's thinking/feeling right now because none of that really matters to you since you need to focus on moving on.

[Wakeup]

I think not responding to his texts was childish, to be honest. Yes, you should cut him out of your life, but he was pretty upfront about not wanting to seriously date you, and were the one that asked if he wanted to be FWB, so you don't really have a right to be pissed. Instead of playing games to try to change his behavior (which doesn't work in the long run anyway) you should have just decided what was best for you and been honest with him about it. You should have told him that you both wanted different things so you are ending things and ask him to not contact you anymore.

You can't tell a player what it is you want because they'll just play you by giving it to you for about 10 minutes.. until they know you're hooked and then they'll pull the fade. He shit tested her and deflected "blame" back to her. This guy is not a decent guy that deserves any consideration.



Op: In this instance you played it well. IMO.

Do you think it is safe to say he has given up since it was 3 days since he last made contact? I have blocked all ways that i can cut off communication with him, but some still remain that don't have blocking capabilities and he could try if he really wanted to.

With that statement it makes me think that you're not grasping that this guy has/had told you clearly from the beginning that he only wanted friendship and that more likely then not, (due to his continued flirting) meant a friendship based on having "benefits" to go along with it.

Stop looking for him to contact you. You're not wanting the same things so it's best to keep the door closed to him and his superficial attention.

No man that wants something serious with you would EVER tell you they just wanted to be friends. No "man" would just want to be friends with a viable, attractive woman that has clearly shown him that she's interested.

[lissa]

I don't know if it's clear that he's a player, although it's certainly clear he didn't want a relationship. He wanted something casual and she didn't. In the past I've had this experience and I tell the guy we're on different pages and am not interested. It sticks once you realize he really isn't what is best for you. I also think that this ignoring him was a game to get him to be more interested or for him to change his behavior, which is never a good idea.

[Wakeup]

Guys a player. His action clearly tell you that he is and if she asked for what she wanted then he'd just have told her what she wanted to hear until he got what he wanted.

We continued to talk for a while, and this guy seemed very interested in me. I started to feel like he could offer me everything i had lacked with my husband for so long. After a few dates, he started acting very distant and told me he had no interest in a relationship and just wanted to be friends.

He told her this after giving her many mixed signals because she wasn't putting out and he was using Pick up artist" strategy on her by trying to make her work harder to secure something with him. Her friend advised she play him back and during that procedure she found out his true intentions.

We can agree to disagree, lissa. I usually agree with most things you post but not this time
.. cheers.

[lily860]

That was my point. He told me he didn't want a relationship and just wanted to be friends. I accepted this and had no problem with it, but what annoyed me was the continued mixed messages thereafter. If you just want to be someones friend you don't then after that tell them all the qualities in them you love and look for in a partner, flirt with them, and get jealous about other guys. This then made me wonder if he had changed his mind. When i asked him he said he had some feelings for me beyond friendship but never specified what they were. This is when i tried to find out by playing a game, although i didn't particularly wan't to, i wanted my answer. I don't want him to contact me now. I was hoping he wouldn't because it isn't easy for me at this point and doesn't help me try and move on. I was hoping someone here might know how these guys work and whether i should be prepared for more messages. I have blocked all possible ways i can of communicating, but some sites he could message me on i cannot block him.

[Laurie]

Hun just don't respond to anymore messages from him. You are better than him and can do better. Concentrate on you and getting your life in order before you start looking and wasting you time with a loser like him. He's just after a quick F--k and will be gone you on the other hand are not that kind of woman so if he texts you delete them if he calls you ignore it. Be powerful and take no sh!t take control... He will give up eventually. You had your head turned by the wrong man when you went through your divorce, you were vulnerable but you are stronger and wiser now. Good luck xx

[DD100]

I don't think you're being childish by not replying to his messages atall! You don't owe him an explanation in order to be straight with him. By blocking him, and not replying to him, I think you're making your intentions crystal clear. I don't see what you did as playing games! The only game player was him and he got found out. Good on you for sticking to your guns because he wasn't one bit bothered about your feelings, especially when you're in a vulnerable state of mind after your marriage break up.

[Wakeup]

That was my point. He told me he didn't want a relationship and just wanted to be friends. I accepted this and had no problem with it, but what annoyed me was the continued mixed messages thereafter.

Like I said, men that want to be "friends" with a woman that they have gone out with USUALLY do not mean PLATONIC friends so keep that in mind and don't be friends with anyone who doesn't think you're good enough to be a romantic partner. That's just wasting time.

If you just want to be someones friend you don't then after that tell them all the qualities in them you love and look for in a partner, flirt with them, and get jealous about other guys. This then made me wonder if he had changed his mind.

No, he just wanted you to cave to him and be his "friend" exclusively. I've noticed that too many men these days will want sex without commitment and sans monogamy but they want their "friend" to only DO them. Pffft.

When i asked him he said he had some feelings for me beyond friendship but never specified what they were.

They were the "feelings" he had in his pants. A stubby for you without commitment.

This is when i tried to find out by playing a game, although i didn't particularly wan't to, i wanted my answer.

You're lucky you had male input because he probably would have hood winked you into a casual sexual relationship if you didn't have a man-in the-know directing you to how to find out his actual motivation.

I don't want him to contact me now. I was hoping he wouldn't because it isn't easy for me at this point and doesn't help me try and move on.

You see. If you didn't just stop talking to him and ignoring he could have very well hoovered you back and tricked you into thinking he wanted a relationship with you by continuing to give you attention thus making you forget that he "only wanted to be friends."

I was hoping someone here might know how these guys work and whether i should be prepared for more messages. I have blocked all possible ways i can of communicating, but some sites he could message me on i cannot block him.

Jesus... you have free will and you now know that he is just a player asshole who didn't score a "friend" with benefits. At this point you should be able to laugh at any contact and completely ignore. When he doesn't get a response, he will simply move on to the next chick and play her as well if she lets him.

Did you make the right choice by ignoring? Yes you did. You owe someone who is trying to mind fk you after telling you that you're only good as "friends" after going on a couple of ROMANTIC dates NOTHING.

[lissa]

Guys a player. His action clearly tell you that he is and if she asked for what she wanted then he'd just have told her what she wanted to hear until he got what he wanted.
He told her this after giving her many mixed signals because she wasn't putting out and he was using Pick up artist" strategy on her by trying to make her work harder to secure something with him. Her friend advised she play him back and during that procedure she found out his true intentions.

We can agree to disagree, lissa. I usually agree with most things you post but not this time
.. cheers.

Agree to disagree. I think we all agree that this needed to end so I’m glad that happened.

But I have one last thing I have to say (sorry for digging up a somewhat old thread in which the OP has seemingly disappeared, can't help myself!)

We as women, need to have more confidence in the power of our "no." Rather than ignoring, automatically blocking someone, assuming that you have to run and hide, we should establish our own boundaries based on our word and self respect. You can tell a guy, "I don't feel respected or happy in this situation. Whatever was between us is over. Please don't contact me anymore." He'll likely respond asking "Why?" and without getting into it, you can reiterate your point, "Things are over between us, please do not contact me again or I will block you." At that point, if he continues to contact you, then you block him.

Now, obviously this should have happened as soon as he said he didn’t want a relationship with her (I mean, it doesn’t get much clearer than that) and after all the ignoring/defriending happened it would be past the point of having a rational conversation.

I just know it's a lot more empowering than ignoring and hiding. Because now she’s “worrying” that he’ll get in touch with her via other means when she could have felt very strong and happy with the way she handled things (I put that in quotes because it seems like she may actually be hoping). It also puts out a loud and clear message to a man that you respect yourself and that he should respect your boundaries. I think the more women do this, the better off we'll be.