I like a girl that I previously rejected...

[ambrosewannabe]

Basically, a woman and I have been friends primarily online for 4 years or so. We met in-person this past summer, and it was clear before then, during and especially after us meeting, that she liked me romantically. Generally speaking, I'm a loner, very particular, and make stupid excuses not to be with people, even if I seem compatible with them. Also, I've been very superficial because there was chemistry with us in-person, much more so than when we just chat online.

She flirted with me for months after we met and it was very blatant. I knew she was, but I was so averse to hurting her that I didn't know how to reject her. I've had to reject people before and have been rejected, but I care about this girl more than anybody else I've been friends with. Ultimately, she got impatient and called me out on being distant and cold towards her (I was). I got annoyed by this, stubborn that I did nothing wrong, and we didn't talk for 3 months. Just last month, she messaged me out of nowhere to say that she wanted to meet again in-person. I said yes, and there wasn't much said following that.

Couple weeks later, I messaged her about something (the common interest we share and it's how we met to begin with), and we started talking once more. The other day, I apologized for how I was before, as I came around to the fact that I was insensitive. For some reason, I try so hard to find reasons not to form romantic bonds - I think I'm very scared of rejection, but commitment too. I've always told myself that I'm fine being a loner, because I'm very introverted and even asexual at times. Generally, I also try to detach myself emotionally from situations as best I can (I've always preferred "logical" subjects, like computer science), so that doesn't help with empathy towards people. For the record, I've never had a girlfriend, and I'm almost 25.

I want to tell her that I like her; I just fear that it's too late and we won't even be able to have a friendship because of how awkward it could make things. But it seems we're going to see each other again, and I would rather say these things before that (granted, it's months from now). I've just never felt this way before - maybe infatuated, but never a true, genuine connection. We get along well, and I don't know how long I can hold this in. I appreciate any posts from you guys on this.

[TheEvilJester]

I am not entirely clear on what you are asking here. What advice do you seek? Are you saying that you still want to be just friends with her, but are unsure how to say that to her? Are you saying that you now think you may like her as more than friends, but are unsure if that is even still a possibility after all that has transpired between you?

If you can kind of clarify what you are asking, we may be better able to help you. I will say this...

Either way, your best bet is really just to be honest with her and have a conversation about it. If you know she likes you romantically, you are doing her no favors, and yourself no favors by simply choosing to ignore that. You really need to decide whether you want to possibly try being more than friends, or if you really feel you need to remain just friends. Then, you need to share your thoughts with her.

All the same, you do want to be gentle/caring in how you have the conversation either way. If you decide that you want to be just friends, then you will want to explain that you care about her very deeply and you do not want to lose her, but you feel that you two are good as friends and you do not want to change that. Just know that if you decide you want to just be friends, it is entirely possible she may not be okay with that, and may have to therefore distance herself. It certainly does not mean you are wrong to not want more, it is just that she may not be comfortable remaining friends when she really wanted more. So, it could possibly hinder the friendship, but that is a risk you really have to take. You owe it to her (and to yourself, really) to be honest so she can move on with her life one way or the other. Maybe that IS to pursue a deeper relationship with you if that is what you find you want. Maybe not. But you really should decide what you want and share it with her. Good luck.

EDIT:

P.S. Is the Ambrose you "wannabe" Dean Ambrose, by any chance? ;-) Because I kinda think it would be cool to be Dean Ambrose myself.

[ambrosewannabe]

Thank you for your elaborate comments. Indeed, I want to be more than friends with her. So this accurately classifies what I'm feeling...

Are you saying that you now think you may like her as more than friends, but are unsure if that is even still a possibility after all that has transpired between you?

When I apologized to her the other day about being distant, she was glad, but also said that she didn't want to open herself up to more of that, which concerns me. That said, she probably has no idea that I like her this way, and believes it's a futile effort to continue pursuing some kind of romance. She later asked if I wanted only a friendship, and I said I honestly wasn't sure. But now, I'm very sure I want more than that. We've been talking "normally" since then, without any mention of these serious topics. Again, I just don't know how long I can hold what I'm feeling in. I genuinely believe I've changed my attitude and psychology towards relationships in general because of this experience.

By the way, Dean Ambrose is who I'm referring to. However, it's only a clever reference to who this girl is obsessed with, as she can't get enough Ambrose. She loves pro wrestling in general, and actually, this common interest is how we even know each other.

[Wakeup]

How far away do the two of you live from one another?

[ambrosewannabe]

5 hour drive.

[woody]

Well to me, the real issue here is why your not allowing yourself to be loved.

When you do see her, you must trust that 'honesty' is your route. You and her have been talking, writing for a long time. Trust that she knows much about you already and guess what, she's still there and she misses you, wants to know you better. Good.

Open yourself up. Know the chemistry is real. Allow this to happen without over analyzing things. Take it one step at a time but for goodness sake, know this: genuine connections are few and far apart. If you have one with this lady, you owe it to yourself to at the very least, find out more. Time for full disclosure; time to take a leap man....

[ambrosewannabe]

Well to me, the real issue here is why your not allowing yourself to be loved.

When you do see her, you must trust that 'honesty' is your route. You and her have been talking, writing for a long time. Trust that she knows much about you already and guess what, she's still there and she misses you, wants to know you better. Good.

Open yourself up. Know the chemistry is real. Allow this to happen without over analyzing things. Take it one step at a time but for goodness sake, know this: genuine connections are few and far apart. If you have one with this lady, you owe it to yourself to at the very least, find out more. Time for full disclosure; time to take a leap man....

I agree with your view of things. Thanks for the post.

[woody]

You Sir, are most welcome. Here's hoping you truly do take that leap....because man, it IS worth it.

[ambrosewannabe]

I let her know how I feel. She says it's caught her off guard, and needs time to process. I figured it would shock her because I'm never this open with my feelings, and expressed such aversion to her in the past. She's been having other personal issues (especially a terrible roommate situation), which is partly why I didn't want to overburden her. However, I couldn't hold it in. Whatever the case, it is what it is. I wouldn't stunned at all with rejection. But, I have grown a lot with this experience.

[woody]

Good on you..
You had to tell her; if you didn't, she'd never know and both of you would always be wondering what could have been. At least now, it's all out there where is ought be...
Hope her roommate situation clears up..

REally happy your opening up a little more, feeling the experience and going with the flow. Well done Mister.
Feels good doesn't it? Yup, it sure does.

[Wakeup]

5 hour drive.

Well, that explains your willingness to tell her how you feel then. The distance means that you'll very likely NOT be able to nurture this relationship the way you'd have to nurture something with someone that you'd have to see often.

You're still very much in your comfort zone of "not having to form romantic bonds." This is going to be an online "relationship" for most part and that's still quite safe for you.

Sadly, if she reciprocates your confession you both will be for most part be wasting good dating years that you could be spending with someone that you can see often, kiss, hold hands with, explore sexually with, form a REAL emotional bond with, (rather then a superficial on line fantasy bond with) and hopefully and eventually discover that you have enough in real life compatibility to create a LIFEpartnership with.

[ambrosewannabe]

I don't necessarily disagree with you, Wakeup (very apt name). I just don't view it as a "waste", considering I've always been pretty comfortable with nobody, and I wouldn't force this connection if there was nothing there. I've been on various dates with other women over the past few months (through dating apps and so on), and have felt nothing. Maybe I'm not meant for truly committed, constant monogamy. I'm still introverted, still lonerish, and that will never change. What I'm saying is I wouldn't even be "taking advantage of" the prime dating years all that well, anyway, unless I forged a similar connection with someone more local.

But sure; it's much more comfortable than if it were someone local. Keep in mind, however, that I've never been upfront with my emotions in any romantic context. It's still progress. And I think, whether this girl and I are just friends or not, there's very little superficial about this. She's not my superficial, ideal "type" at all.

[woody]

WakeUp, to what you said, Perhaps, but I still think it's good he's at least opening up to the whole possibility of romance. Remember, he's 25 and he's not had a serious relationship let alone been open to dating very much at all, at least not with someone he actually feels a depth of connection with.
At least now, he's growing with this experience, distance or no distance I think this is good medicine for the man..

[ambrosewannabe]

Summed up my thoughts, woody.

[woody]

Great. Comfort levels are key. You just go with it there man, even if you and her are only able to communicate via online most of the time, that's a great way to learn allot about one's self, getting more comfortable from the safety of your own home and when you two are able to meet up, wonderful... Just go with the flow, keep it real, breath, have fun and explore that heart of yours.
well wishes to you and yours