Am I wrong to be annoyed or upset at this?

[guywantslove]

Hi everyone, thanks for reading.

Me and my gf have been together for about 7 months. At the 3 month mark we expressed how much we loved each other and how right this is for us.

At the 3 month mark I found out about this male friend she had. She established a close friendship with him shortly before we met. To this day, I have still not met him. My partner told me that she had an inclination that he liked her but could not confirm it. She confirmed they discussed their friendship status at one point to explore if there was anything more than just friends. She mentioned that they awkwardly spoke about it but there was no clear answer to whether it was platonic and their friendship status was never established.

In a very short space of time they were talking about deep and emotional feelings, sending somewhat flirtatious msgs. Both of them were going through a hard time and they spent a lot of time helping each other out. I was currently with my partner at the time when they engaged in these interactions and I expressed that I did not feel comfortable about it. My partner understood at the time and agreed to tone it down and agreed to let me know whenever they sent phone messages or talked.

The next time they were in contact, my partner withheld telling me they spoke and had deep and emotional chats about their feelings etc. I had to ask her if she spoke to him and she eventually told me she did and was somewhat sorry. I later found out that my partner went out of her way to not tell him about me and this was after we had been seeing each other for 3 months and during the same time we said we loved each other! She explained that she was trying to protect him from further disappointment and fearing that his current tragic circumstances would be impacted if she told him she had a boyfriend, just in case he liked her. I was extremely upset by this. It felt that she went out of her way to make me feel I did not exist. At the time she was understanding of my feelings and made me feel better. At this point she disengaged further contact with him in this way and I was satisfied.

Only recently this issue was brought up again and she told me she changed her mind on this issue and that she felt she was not wrong for doing anything because she was feeling depressed and so was he and she felt she had to protect him so the circumstances were justified. She claims that everything deep and emotional she spoke with him was above board even though she had an inclination that he liked her and she also felt that it was the right thing not to mention me to him because he might get more upset just in case he liked her. Oh, and in case you are wondering, I provided her massive support when she was going through a hard time

We are now back to square one and I am finding it hard to move on from here and accept that her behavior at the time was ok? Thoughts anyone?

[basilandthyme]

Mate, her behaviour was not OK. Not only was she sharing the type of confidences with him that one should keep for their partner or best friend, she was lying by omission to both of you.

Given that she's defending her behaviour, I'm not sure that there is a way forward for both of you. Thing is, in a great relationship our morals and ethics will align. But this girl's relationship ethics are far different to your own.

Sorry I can't be more positive - but I'd be letting this one go.

[Wakeup]

You say she has disengaged contact with him. Is that correct?

[guywantslove]

Mate, her behaviour was not OK. Not only was she sharing the type of confidences with him that one should keep for their partner or best friend, she was lying by omission to both of you.

Given that she's defending her behaviour, I'm not sure that there is a way forward for both of you. Thing is, in a great relationship our morals and ethics will align. But this girl's relationship ethics are far different to your own.

Sorry I can't be more positive - but I'd be letting this one go.

Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated

- - - Updated - - -

She still occasionally speaks/sms/emails him but has kept the conversations above board. However, she is very adamant that she did nothing at all wrong at the time considering the circumstances

[TheEvilJester]

She's full of it, if you ask me. I don't see how she can feel she did nothing wrong. She directly lied to you, trivialized your relationship by deliberately not telling a friend she thought might like her as more than friends, and also played with the other guy's heart by stringing him along. IF he likes her as more than friends, she is doing nothing to dissuade him of the notion that more may be possible.

I don't see how any of that could be okay in the slightest. So, no, I do not think you are wrong for being upset by it, and she strikes me as being an immature petulant child for continuously INSISTING she did nothing wrong.

Now, inherently by having a male friend, I do not think she did anything wrong. Especially when you consider she knew him before she knew you. However, what she did do that was wrong was having deep, emotional conversations with him when she was with you. What she did do wrong was continuing to string him along when she knew there is a chance he might like her, but she does not feel the same way.

What she did do wrong was to keep an "option" out there for herself instead of putting her full heart into her relationship with you. Is she keeping him as an option? Maybe, maybe not. That is certainly how it would make me feel if I were you.

I mean, if she has stopped, then maybe it is a moot point and you should let it go so long as it doesn't come up again. I don't know. All I can say is I would personally have a hard time looking past something like that, especially considering she keeps insisting she has done nothing wrong. Ultimately, it will have to be your decision. Best of luck to you, friend.

[Wakeup]

You say she has disengaged contact with him. Is that correct?

[Bree]

Hello my friend. As a girl, I find this woeful! If my boyfriend did dis 2 me then there would be trust issues. No matter what the circumstances r u should always be the one that she comes to for stuff like that. And to not tell him about u, that is somethin u have every right to be upset at if there was maybe a chance that he could be keen for her. Sorry but this girl has issues and sounds confused to who she actually wants to be with. Good luck man

[guywantslove]

You say she has disengaged contact with him. Is that correct?

She still occasionally speaks/sms/emails him but has kept the conversations above board. However, she is very adamant that she did nothing at all wrong at the time considering the circumstances

[Wakeup]

Well, since she knows how you feel and still continues to keep in touch with him then I'd say she's just waiting for you to break up with her and then he and she will consummate the physical aspect to the emotional affair they were having and are unable to completely sever.

You'd do well to break up with her because she doesn't seem to value you or the relationship enough to even worry that her actions could very well cause it to end and have you leave her life. She's getting something from this guy that she's finding quite valuable to continue to take a chance on fvcking up what she has with you.

It's only been seven months and she's showing you who she is. You know what you have to do. Its break up with her or learn to accept that she can't let go of this guy for some reason and hope she doesn't upgrade her chats with him to something else. I think Ugh to the latter but that's your choice not mine.

[TheEvilJester]

I hate to lean towards a negative outcome, but I have to say I agree with Wakeup. Maybe that is just me, but it does NOT sound like she is showing or ever has shown you the respect you deserve. I could PERHAPS see it as okay if all the details were the same, except that she had been open and honest to him about you. I would still say that the two of them being as close as they were was inappropriate given your relationship with her, but I could let that slide as being they were friends before she knew you. Mind you, that would not mean she and the friend should still be free to be THAT close. They should still learn to better balance that. It's just that I could forgive and understand the slight misunderstanding/confusion of the transition.

But, to me the fact that she blatantly lied to him about you (a lie via omission is still a lie) is the most glaring offense. Perhaps even worse is the fact that she is SO ADAMANT that she did nothing wrong. She can't just man-up (pardon the phrase) and admit she was perhaps out of line.... or AT THE VERY LEAST admit that she may not think it was out of line but she can understand why anybody else may think it was. To me, it smacks of utter disrespect how insistent she is that you have no right/reason to be upset. It honestly almost makes me think she is just acting all high and mighty because she secretly does want to keep him as an option, and doesn't want to lose that "back-up plan."

All of that could just be my cynical side talking. Still, I don't know.... I'd have a hard time trusting her. I kind of lean towards agreeing fully with Wakeup here.

[in.love.]

Oh wow. First off, let me say how sorry I am that you've been put on this emotional roller coaster with her! I feel really bad for you...not PITYING you, but I feel sad that she's put you through this.

Not telling him she had a boyfriend is a clear sign that she's being dishonest. After all, if she and this other guy are "such good friends", then they'd obviously share nearly everything with each other; especially a love interest!

I really hate to say this, but she's taken you for a ride, and you need to get out of the car and find a woman who'd never even dream of doing this to you. It sounds hard to do, right? Well, wait til that other woman down the road treats you better than you ever imagined, and you'll look back at this current partner and shake your head, and pity HER because she missed out on something great!

[TheEvilJester]

A good point, I would say. Sometimes it is hard to see how messed up a situation is when you are in the middle of it. If you get yourself out of that relationship, in time you will probably look back and wonder how the Hell you ever put up with that in the first place. Especially when you meet somebody who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Good luck to you.