Will we ever get engaged?

[smackie9]

It's a cope out. Those long hours won't change once he starts his career, so getting married now isn't going to make much of a difference.

[Roses919191]

Here's what happened. I kept putting on the pressure & telling him I was unhappy & felt he must not love me since he hasn't proposed after 1.5 years. He got very upset & apparently screwed up BAD at work. He said, "it happened because I was so upset about our fight. You seem to think I don't care but I sure do. I just internalize things." He said this reinforced his original desire to wait until he's done with (rigorous, 90 hours week, stressful) training in 4 years before getting engaged/married/having kids because "that's when I can focus & those things will be my priority." He told me If I wanted those things right now then It just wouldn't work between us. I thought q little and said "fine- 32 isn't too old for me to get married & pregnant." We are now still together & he seems so incredibly happy with me. Wanting to plan trips, asking what furniture I want for our apt, etc

[Rebeccaa]

He seems to hold an awful lot of power in this relationship and you are just going along with it. Your life doesn't depend on this man. Concentrate on yourself for a while, build up your won self esteem, find some interests, do a course, join an exercise group and basically take control of your life.You don't have to ignore him, I am not suggesting that but live your own life as well. At the moment he knows that you will play into his hands. Show him that you are capable of living an independent and fulfilling life and if he wants to be part of it, he will need to take positive action otherwise he may just lose your vibrant personality to someone else. BTW Forget about people who worship the ground you walk on.You want to walk together in life - it's a long time.

[Roses919191]

I don't know about him holding power, it would be bad for him to get married & have kids when he knows he's not ready yet. But as he says, he wouldnt live with me & spend all his limited free time with me if he didn't eventually intend for us to get married and have kids. He's never said maybe he wants kids, it's always been yes

[fearoflove]

There is more to stepping towards marriage than getting a ring put on your finger. It's about learning to work together in a partnership (living together) and showing HIM that YOU are worthy of this marriage. He wants to see how you two get along and deal with the challenges of money, responsibilities, etc.

What have you done to prepare for a life long commitment? Have you set aside some of your savings for a down payment for a house? have you put together a financial plan when you have children? What about careers? Have you both settled into good paying jobs, or at least stable jobs? Have you put together a timeline of what you want to have accomplished in 2 years? 5 years? 10? What about the household....have you set up who's going to take on the role of cooking, shopping, doing the chores? Have you settled on a budget and how the finances are going to be spent yet?

Men are motivated by action, not by what they hear, so nattering at him about it is going to make you look selfish and self entitled, this is a huge turn off. You need to shut up and embrace the tasks that are ahead of you to build this relationship towards marriage. Once he sees your efforts,and things are progressing then you will see your ring. So be positive, put on a happy face and work you butt off.

A man who thinks this way is way too calculating for my taste If he is in love and a real man, he wouldn't be thinking about how hard she has to work for money. He would be thinking about how HE can support her and their family. My father married my mother before she was making good money. My fiance is willing to take care of me if I decide to be a stay at home mom. In fact, he is fine with whatever I want to do with my life. Although, I do have career aspirations and want to do something with the post-secondary education I have obtained.

Here's what happened. I kept putting on the pressure & telling him I was unhappy & felt he must not love me since he hasn't proposed after 1.5 years. He got very upset & apparently screwed up BAD at work. He said, "it happened because I was so upset about our fight. You seem to think I don't care but I sure do. I just internalize things." He said this reinforced his original desire to wait until he's done with (rigorous, 90 hours week, stressful) training in 4 years before getting engaged/married/having kids because "that's when I can focus & those things will be my priority." He told me If I wanted those things right now then It just wouldn't work between us. I thought q little and said "fine- 32 isn't too old for me to get married & pregnant." We are now still together & he seems so incredibly happy with me. Wanting to plan trips, asking what furniture I want for our apt, etc

There is a chance that this guy might actually love you but want to be at a place in his career that he is satisfied with before starting a family. That is completely reasonable. Considering you are in a place in your life when you want to settle down whereas he is not. This is a difficult situation because two people are not in the same place at the same time.

Desperate situations calls for desperate measures. lol. This is what you do if you think he is the one and you really don't want to go out to find another man. Tell him that you love him and want to be with him for the rest of your life whether you two have money or not. That you are willing to make most of what you two have. Don't nag him about buying an expensive ring or having an expensive wedding. He is probably not making enough money and is insecure about not being able to give you everything you want. Tell him that you have goals of having children and you want to be able to have healthy kids. Waiting too long might cause problems in having healthy children. Usually women want to have kids before they hit 30. Let him that you are willing to leave this relationship (and do it) if you two cannot agree on this because it is a serious indicator of incompatibility.

If this talk doesn't work, then just want away. He is delaying you because he doesn't think you are the one. A man who thinks you are the one would listen to you when you voicing something that really matters to you and would not let his ideal woman walk away.

[smackie9]

I'm on his side, he is just being practical, because marriage is not just about love. The reason so many marriages fail is because of the lack of preparedness. Read OP's last post. Everything has been discussed and squared away. They have a plan and now working towards it...... what he said made sense once she listened it was just that simple.

[fearoflove]

Let's hope that this guy follows through with his promise and that his feelings towards her doesn't change in 4 years. Alot of things can change in 4 years. When she gets to 32, and he doesn't follow through, she is screwed. Why not get married now (seal the deal now) or at least get engaged if you know you found the one and then achieve other goals (children, getting a house, etc) slowly as money is saved up? Engagement shows you have intentions of marriage. Plenty of couples get engaged first and then slowly work together to fulfill their financial plans and other objectives. I personally would not take a person seriously and words (especially coming from a man's mouth suspect) until he has shown solid signs of commitment through action (this means: I need a ring on it, plus a full financial plan on how marriage/family objectives will be achieved down the road, solid plan of how money will be saved up). No wishy washy honey glazed words of promises of the future.

Think about it. You are in your late 20s, right? You are still at an age where you can still find another partner. When you get to 32, you will be 4 years more desperate. He, a man, only gets better with age. He would have more money and more options than you. If he chooses to ditch you, he can easily do that. Although, he might do the honourable thing and fulfill his promise, you will have less leverage in asking anything more from him.

[Rebeccaa]

What about what you want? The plan as it stands seems to focus on what he wants. If you were happy with that maybe you wouldn't have come here for advice. If you have any niggling doubts at all, you really need to clear the air and tell him what you want also. It sounds as though you both want the same end result, a family but it is the "when" that is the sticking point and "not ready", that is a bit of a worn out phrase these days. I hope it all works out for you but make sure he knows your intentions also as you know his. Good luck.

[smackie9]

He gave her the opportunity to walk if she feels her needs needed to be met right now. It's different if everything was already in place and he was just dragging his heals. This is not the case, he wants to be ready and available to raise the kids with her. I don't see anything to be alarmed about. He has a plan in place because of his career, doesn't sound to me he's the type to be wasting her time.

[Roses919191]

I'm tired of this... He acts like of course we'll get married but not for 5 years because that's when he'll be ready, and he's not going to be arm twisted into getting married like "weak guys," and if I don't like waiting and decide to leave him, "it'll suck but life sucks sometimes, and I'm not getting married before I'm ready." I kind of want to date around and just inform this guy that if he loses me to someone else during these multiple years of waiting, then that's the risk he's takjng.

[dontaskme]

Hes not stopping you from walking away. You can't force him into getting married if he isn't ready.

[smackie9]

I'm tired of this... He acts like of course we'll get married but not for 5 years because that's when he'll be ready, and he's not going to be arm twisted into getting married like "weak guys," and if I don't like waiting and decide to leave him, "it'll suck but life sucks sometimes, and I'm not getting married before I'm ready." I kind of want to date around and just inform this guy that if he loses me to someone else during these multiple years of waiting, then that's the risk he's takjng.

Awww no ring on Valentine's Day huh? lol maybe you dating around and finding a weak guy is your answer. And good luck on trying to pull the passive aggressive crap on him....mmmmm no it won't convince him to marry you any sooner.

[woody]

Dear Roses (op),

Do you have any idea how brutally straining med school is? Hey, what do you call a Dr. who barely passed med school? A Doctor.
My point? What's the problem boop? You want to spend your life with this man so what pray tell is the mighty rush towards the alter? I mean, hey, if this is indeed the man you wish to grow old with, what is the ruddy rush?

and here's something else. If you think he'll have more time once he's completed med school, you are very wrong.
Married life to a Dr. is tough. You will hardly see them and when you do, they'll be so tired and in need of rest that time for the Family will be few and far between; That is just the sacrifice one makes when marrying a Dr. be them male or female.
You have been dating him for less than 2 years and already your pushing for the ring like you think it's some magical wand but lady, it isn't.
If your unhappy now, you have some serious reflecting to do towards your self and what you need from a union.

Marriage only works if they are two people who don't really need a wedding to show who they are towards one another. A union is an untouchable connection that doesn't need paper work, rings or the big puffy dress.

[Wakeup]

I just don't want a guy who's ambivalent about me. Who might, maybe, propose in 5 years if he's feeling like it & no better options are around. A guy who would much rather lose me now than propose within the next years, because that's how special he thinks I am.

Then you'd be stupid to move in with him. Once you do that, you'll give him zero reasons to advance that from co-habitation to marriage and "marriage" is what you want.

I find it rather odd that he thinks its okay to disrespect his parents by having you live with him but not disrespect them by making an honest woman out of you.

Be careful... he sounds like he's full.of.shit.

*btw: I haven't read any other posts past where I quoted you so just answering on that info only*

[fearoflove]

I'm tired of this... He acts like of course we'll get married but not for 5 years because that's when he'll be ready, and he's not going to be arm twisted into getting married like "weak guys," and if I don't like waiting and decide to leave him, "it'll suck but life sucks sometimes, and I'm not getting married before I'm ready." I kind of want to date around and just inform this guy that if he loses me to someone else during these multiple years of waiting, then that's the risk he's takjng.

"weak guys"? **** him. He is just making up all type of excuses. People rationalize in accordance to what they want to do. A Guy who wants to commit to a woman is going to say commitment is for a strong man.

Honestly, is there any joy in dating this guy any longer? In these 4 years of waiting, you are going to be pain because you would still not know where you stand. 4 years is just way too long. A lot can change in 4 years. You can find another man in 4 years. You might not be able to find a guy who is as wealthy or maybe sacrifice the looks department a little bit. But you would at least find someone who is more committed than this! Not even a ring at this point?! I say he is full of shit.