Role reversal

[Traditional]

I’ve lived with a guy now for a little over a year. I’ve always done all the household chores and I enjoy doing them! I never ask him to do anything, never nag, or even remotely suggest I’m not happy about doing dishes, laundry, etc. However, last night we officially had our first argument and it was over housework! He’s upset that I do everything. Which confuses me to no end. I’ve spent an hour googling my case and come up with everyone saying the opposite - that women are unhappy and trying to get their man to do more around the house. So I’m stuck with an oddball situation and hopefully someone can shed some light as to why this bothers him. I asked. His answers ranged from, he doesn’t want me to feel like I need to do everything (I don’t), he feels guilty, he’s fully capable of doing dishes, etc. I’ve told him it’s not even an issue and I’m happy taking care of the chores. Is this really a topic I should have covered before moving in? Up until last night, I took pride in always keeping the house 'in order'. Now I'm forcing myself to leave his clothes in the hamper while I wash my own and still trying to figure out how I'll be washing half the dishes.

[geekgetsgirl]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

If the issue really is that he feels guilty, then perhaps you could ask him for some help with little jobs around the house.

Maybe change a light bulb or something like that. He can feel like he is rescuing the damsel in distress while at the same time contributing to the household chores.

It's possible he isn't feeling needed. Could be worth a try.

Best of luck.

[Traditional]

Thank you for the insight. Now that 24 hours have passed, we’re semi-joking about my doing dishes or laundry since I’ve left everything as is, in the state he’s left them. With the joking, he’s saying I’m making a mountain out of a molehill so ... possibly I’m also chalking this incident up to a bad mood combo. I realize he may not feel needed, and it’s something I’d never considered before. Moving forward, I’ll make sure to include him with chores and let some of the decisions of when things get done land on his shoulders.

[geekgetsgirl]

Glad to hear that things are better now

Making him feel needed and important is a great choice.

[bulrush]

OP, like myself, he may have grown up with preconceived notions that if he's not doing exactly 50% of the housework there is something abusive about the relationship. What I didn't realize, is some women like being in charge of the house, and that's not abusive at all. It does make them happy. But it's not true for all women, so people should just not assume things.

You did the right thing by talking to him. Now you have to explain to him that you really do like to keep the house clean for him. And if he wants to help with housework he can. Or if he wants to do the yardwork, house repairs, car repairs, that is equally important, and that love doesn't keep track of how much time we each spend on our chores.

[basilandthyme]

I assume you're semi joking with the comments about doing half the washing or half the dishes.

I would say that the answer is as simple as dividing up the jobs which do need to be done. Clean the kitchen after dinner together - it can actually be nice to spend that time together. Perhaps make vacuuming or bathroom cleaning his job. Take turns with doing the washing. Or you wash and he irons. The answer really is about learning to let go and share.