Have GF, have crazy crush on girl - time for REAL honesty from me! Am I normal??

[British-guy]

Hi, this is the first time I’ve posted anything like this but I thought it’d be interesting to put in to words brutally honestly the problems I have with relationships, and just to reflect on the size of the problems I have! I will sincerely take on advice provided you have my best interests at heart and are knowledgeable on the subject. I won’t take advice from people who are jealous or somehow have an axe to grind.

I’m a British guy in my 30s. I have a girlfriend. We’ve been together 10 months. Actually she lives 12 hours away so we meet every once in a while only, but for a few days. In the last month, I’ve had quite a strong crush on another girl, and today it’s really driving me crazy. Because I saw her today, and we said ‘hi’. Yes, that’s all. I know, I’m acting like a young teenager. I’m really quite a crazy sick and desperate individual (actually, I think other people might think this as unusual, but to me I seem normal).

You see I go to a sports club, and the girl I have a crush on is the daughter of one of the members. The girl in question is 19 years old. In a probably slightly sick kind of way I’ve been getting closer to her mother and father – her mum and dad think I’m a very eligible kind of guy, a really honest nice person, intelligent, good prospects, a good suitor. I have this skill I’ve cultivated where I can convince older people that I walk on water. I’m rubbish at some aspects of dating (I’m shy to make first conversation), but I’m good at some things, and winning over parents is one of them. So here I am, I’ve basically got her mum and dad in my spell. I should probably explain I’m in a part of the World where I’m the ONLY blue-eyed foreigner in the whole town here – I fully acknowledge dating would be so much more difficult at home. But in this place at this time I have this special skill. Actually, it’s no accident I’m here – I moved around the world primarily to get a girlfriend.

I have this way of dating where I go for girls spookily all 18 or 19 years old, wide eyed fresh out of school, have some freedom, interested in dating (perhaps for the first time), optimistic about the World. I love that. I always keep the parents in the picture. Usually the parents are willing participants in this charade, or at the very worst silent observers who daren’t criticise their daughter. In this part of the World girls are very respectful of their own bodies and the girls this age are protective of virginity. So it’s not about sex strictly speaking. Sure we have a bit of fun, and we always have time in private. The gf before my current one would meet me in a hotel room in another city after school (she was 18), change in to stylish clothes, we’d go out, and I’d return her home by 10pm – sometimes with a gift for her mum. Always no alcohol. The gf before that one, 19 years old, I dated for a few months – I took her and her baby sister and friend on holiday for a week. I’m trusted.

I do all this genuinely. Every relationship at the beginning feels like true love, and I honestly engage in a relationship thinking it could last forever. I’m honest in the beginning. And then at some point (in my current relationship, after 8 months, about 2 months ago), I start to have some doubt. Usually at the same time as having a crush on someone else.

My current gf is perfect in so many ways. I have a crush on someone else, but my gf is really fantastic. She’s so confident, compassionate, listens, emotionally dependable, level-headed, just really wonderful in those ways. And I’m so immensely happy when we’re together. She thinks we’ll get married soon. This is her life plan and her culture to find a dependable guy and get married and stay together through thick and thin. Everything’s perfect. Except for two things – I worry that intellectually she’s a little er.. not exactly top-of-the-class. We don’t speak English together, she hasn’t really learnt yet, ok she’s only 19, but she should be learning more English a little quicker than she has been so far. This is a nagging doubt of mine, but it’s a small doubt but it’s not shifting with time. And then on top of that I have this ridiculous crush.

But you see the point is, this crush I have with the sports club friend’s daughter is not ridiculous! Maybe she’s perfect – very intelligent, level-headed, reliable, sexy (of course…, in a nerdy way right now, she’s not really come out of her shell so to speak). I really believe she could be the perfect girl for me, and the excitement of not knowing is killing me. It shouldn’t be about the challenge, of winning over two parents and a girl so much younger than me, but every girl always seems to be about a challenge in some way. But most of all it’s about me being lonely. And desperately wanting someone to look after me and give me support. I should probably mention I live alone and sometimes spend all weekend alone, and then my life is interspersed with intense love, flirting, building friendships, obsessions, etc. And I’ve turned this in to a big challenge of only dating 18-19 year old girls, and sometimes with an extra challenge thrown in (intelligent, rich family, etc.).

Some part of me thinks I’m a sick individual who is causing a trail of destruction. The last gf when I dumped her was probably more or less fine after a while, but if I dump my current gf I’ll feel very bad about that. Very bad indeed. This would be a mistake I would never want to repeat. But I’m always acting honestly and trying my best, but I’m just not very good at this dating thing.

Ok so this is a big step laying out the honest truth to, well, anyone. I know girl friends think I’m a bit unhinged with dating, I think Guy friends don’t really notice the problem. But now it’s all laid out in black and white, the last 13 months of my life. I’m in my 30s remember, so there’s a lot more before. And there’s patterns forming.

Advice to improve please!

[woody]

Patterns indeed there man and you'd be wise to figure them out. Interesting how you already know the in's and out's of your situation.

By what your saying, you already understand perfection is a projection your making on these young ladies. To 'woo' them, parents and all only to then, several months later have another catch your eye may be a pattern you've been in for well over a decade already; and though you may be attractive, clever, charming, chivalrous and an all round good fella, if your in the 30's now, 40's are just around the corner and usually (though there are always exceptions) 18-19 year old young women don't date 40 some odd year old men.

I do apologize for this next bit; but my impression is you choose these types of ladies, these young individuals lacking in maturity because you fear intimacy yourself so you select ladies that really don't stand a chance, and that goes both ways; I think you know that. So the real question is uh, why are you afraid of meeting a slightly more mature woman and possibly taking it to the next level? Someone who will indubitably challenge you. What went wrong when you were younger that made you close up in such a way?

Please forgive the personal dib but we are anonymous here; it is a safe place to tell.
regards,
Woody

[Wakeup]

Hi, this is the first time I’ve posted anything like this but I thought it’d be interesting to put in to words brutally honestly the problems I have with relationships, and just to reflect on the size of the problems I have! I will sincerely take on advice provided you have my best interests at heart and are knowledgeable on the subject. I won’t take advice from people who are jealous or somehow have an axe to grind.

I’m a British guy in my 30s. I have a girlfriend. We’ve been together 10 months. Actually she lives 12 hours away so we meet every once in a while only, but for a few days. In the last month, I’ve had quite a strong crush on another girl, and today it’s really driving me crazy. Because I saw her today, and we said ‘hi’. Yes, that’s all. I know, I’m acting like a young teenager. I’m really quite a crazy sick and desperate individual (actually, I think other people might think this as unusual, but to me I seem normal).

You see I go to a sports club, and the girl I have a crush on is the daughter of one of the members. The girl in question is 19 years old. In a probably slightly sick kind of way I’ve been getting closer to her mother and father – her mum and dad think I’m a very eligible kind of guy, a really honest nice person, intelligent, good prospects, a good suitor. I have this skill I’ve cultivated where I can convince older people that I walk on water. I’m rubbish at some aspects of dating (I’m shy to make first conversation), but I’m good at some things, and winning over parents is one of them. So here I am, I’ve basically got her mum and dad in my spell. I should probably explain I’m in a part of the World where I’m the ONLY blue-eyed foreigner in the whole town here – I fully acknowledge dating would be so much more difficult at home. But in this place at this time I have this special skill. Actually, it’s no accident I’m here – I moved around the world primarily to get a girlfriend.

I have this way of dating where I go for girls spookily all 18 or 19 years old, wide eyed fresh out of school, have some freedom, interested in dating (perhaps for the first time), optimistic about the World. I love that. I always keep the parents in the picture. Usually the parents are willing participants in this charade, or at the very worst silent observers who daren’t criticise their daughter. In this part of the World girls are very respectful of their own bodies and the girls this age are protective of virginity. So it’s not about sex strictly speaking. Sure we have a bit of fun, and we always have time in private. The gf before my current one would meet me in a hotel room in another city after school (she was 18), change in to stylish clothes, we’d go out, and I’d return her home by 10pm – sometimes with a gift for her mum. Always no alcohol. The gf before that one, 19 years old, I dated for a few months – I took her and her baby sister and friend on holiday for a week. I’m trusted.

I do all this genuinely. Every relationship at the beginning feels like true love, and I honestly engage in a relationship thinking it could last forever. I’m honest in the beginning. And then at some point (in my current relationship, after 8 months, about 2 months ago), I start to have some doubt. Usually at the same time as having a crush on someone else.

My current gf is perfect in so many ways. I have a crush on someone else, but my gf is really fantastic. She’s so confident, compassionate, listens, emotionally dependable, level-headed, just really wonderful in those ways. And I’m so immensely happy when we’re together. She thinks we’ll get married soon. This is her life plan and her culture to find a dependable guy and get married and stay together through thick and thin. Everything’s perfect. Except for two things – I worry that intellectually she’s a little er.. not exactly top-of-the-class. We don’t speak English together, she hasn’t really learnt yet, ok she’s only 19, but she should be learning more English a little quicker than she has been so far. This is a nagging doubt of mine, but it’s a small doubt but it’s not shifting with time. And then on top of that I have this ridiculous crush.

But you see the point is, this crush I have with the sports club friend’s daughter is not ridiculous! Maybe she’s perfect – very intelligent, level-headed, reliable, sexy (of course…, in a nerdy way right now, she’s not really come out of her shell so to speak). I really believe she could be the perfect girl for me, and the excitement of not knowing is killing me. It shouldn’t be about the challenge, of winning over two parents and a girl so much younger than me, but every girl always seems to be about a challenge in some way. But most of all it’s about me being lonely. And desperately wanting someone to look after me and give me support. I should probably mention I live alone and sometimes spend all weekend alone, and then my life is interspersed with intense love, flirting, building friendships, obsessions, etc. And I’ve turned this in to a big challenge of only dating 18-19 year old girls, and sometimes with an extra challenge thrown in (intelligent, rich family, etc.).

Some part of me thinks I’m a sick individual who is causing a trail of destruction. The last gf when I dumped her was probably more or less fine after a while, but if I dump my current gf I’ll feel very bad about that. Very bad indeed. This would be a mistake I would never want to repeat. But I’m always acting honestly and trying my best, but I’m just not very good at this dating thing.

Ok so this is a big step laying out the honest truth to, well, anyone. I know girl friends think I’m a bit unhinged with dating, I think Guy friends don’t really notice the problem. But now it’s all laid out in black and white, the last 13 months of my life. I’m in my 30s remember, so there’s a lot more before. And there’s patterns forming.

Advice to improve please!

Holy Narcissistic Personality Disorder Batman!

[dontaskme]

Hmmmm.... If I have to guess, you are in a third world starving country where you can buy the affection of the parents first who are idiotic enough to sell their daughters to the devil.

If that's the case, it's not that these girls are not smart enough but they just have not develop enough smartness in them yet (being so young and all) to avoid a jack ass like you.

[lissa]

Wow. Please end things with your current girlfriend so you can save her a life of misery with you. You think she will never forgive you, but it's likely she'll thank you eventually. You're a creepy old perv.

[British-guy]

[MENTION=72336]woody[/MENTION]:
' if your in the 30's now, 40's are just around the corner and usually (though there are always exceptions) 18-19 year old young women don't date 40 some odd year old men.'
Yes, I'm aware of this. I'm kind of attached to a dream of being in the most passionate love that can break boundaries, and then stay with one girl. So then the 19 year old, by the time I'm in my 40s, will be 20 something (which will be somewhat more acceptable). However, past-history indicates this doesn't really happen... this is my concern! I'm also concerned it's now becoming more and more necessary to be quite economical with the truth, as when cold hard facts come to light the stern-faced critical people start to smell trouble - this is a small but real problem.

'you fear intimacy yourself so you select ladies that really don't stand a chance' -I'm not really sure that's true, I usually think there's a chance.

'why are you afraid of meeting a slightly more mature woman and possibly taking it to the next level? Someone who will indubitably challenge you.' -I generally stay away from people who may fully understand everything that you are understanding. There is nothing less sexy than being face-to-face with a woman who's experienced and smart enough to see through you and expose flaws. No!
[MENTION=76442]dontaskme[/MENTION] - this is a middle income country - I earn 3x the money of most professionals here but many people in business earn similar or a lot more. The truth is more complex than just using money - old-fashioned Victorian values are prized here and I know how to project that image.
[MENTION=6355]lissa[/MENTION] - 'creepy old perv' - actually I have a lot of power here and I don't really need to follow the usual rules.
[MENTION=52694]Wakeup[/MENTION] - I've been researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder - I certainly have some traits. I'm not a 'classic' narcissist - I don't crave attention - I'm more calculated than that. Attention is sometimes counter-productive. Some facts that point to narcissism:

1. My friends are either 18-19 year old girls or 60+ yr old businessmen. The former make me feel good and the latter are sometimes a great source of knowledge. Women 30s+ are often quite a threat to me to be honest, it's the clever business lady types who are a problem - I'm having to be more careful of this.

2. I regularly turn up to work hours late, make up the paperwork, and I'm in an authority position with everyone I work with on a week-to-week basis. People are way too polite here and I keep people happy so everything's fine. My boss is a pushover. In the past I've been fired from jobs, and put bosses under a lot of stress, but I'm more careful nowadays - I need references, etc.

3. I've sometimes in the past engaged in highly risky behaviour, but nowadays I'm very careful to calculate risks and minimise them. I stay away from anything illegal, but I take care to know the local police anyway.

I'm not really sure if I feel very much for other people to be quite honest. I just don't know.. once in the last couple of years I got 'burned' - I fell for a girl but she didn't give me the attention I wanted - that was painful and haunted me for quite some time. But usually I feel nothing at all. My current gf may be different but I don't really know. I couldn't imagine every crying for her, I just couldn't imagine that.

I'm very polite to people generally, you never know who they are, and I try not to be arrogant (although people sometimes say I come across as such).

Actually everything's nothing like as bad as the overall impression gives, but facts are facts, so to speak. But the overall picture is very different. Everything's kind of normal really.

[Wakeup]

You're a creepy old perv.

lolzzz ...

[Yanky]

Don't mean to sound rude but I believe you are the one lacking in the intelligence department. Keep women out of your destructive lifestyle until you sort your **** out.

[British-guy]

Hmm not really the responses I was expecting.

Actually I live in a middle-income country.

I'm thinking of staying with my gf and perhaps getting married soon. Because I'm very happy with her and we are very compatible.

But living alone and a long way apart, honestly my thoughts aren't exactly always about her.

Plus the old 'conquest' lure of temptation of other girls is ever-present.

Oh by the way, I've decided the girl I had a crush on a week ago, hmm I think she's too young and naive. So I'll keep links with her family and chat to her when I see her, cos y'know future isn't written yet and I've not decided to marry yet.

I guess people's replies have taught me I'd better be careful with the truth in real life.. Part if the issue is having been an expat for a long time, I pretty much do as I like and nobody criticises. Perhaps a little narcissistic due to circumstance.

- - - Updated - - -

And thanks Woody for your very insightful reply! I largely agree.

[TablesandChairs]

I think putting it out here on an anonymous platform wasn't a bad idea - it gets the truth out of your head, a place we often justify or normalise our behaviours. Because to us, they are normal.

You mention the world naivety when it comes to your crushes/girlfriends but you're dealing with teenagers...you know they're naive. That's the lure. Even if these girls were intelligent (which we often confuse with maturity) there is still a large component of naivety which is inevitable because of their age. They're virgins, they probably still live at home...barely finished with high school. Their world-view is shaped by very limited experiences and exposure.

What do you find daunting about dating, say, a 27 year old woman? It's not their looks - 27 year old females are still young, attractive and energetic. The difference is expectation, maturity and a higher chance that they can read between the lines.

It's possible your own maturity isn't what it should be. Again, don't confuse your intelligence with emotional 'grown upness'. I'm 30 and for me, an 18 year old is a big kid; someone I couldn't really relate towards too much. Different stages of life.

You say you want someone to look after you...but you're barking up the wrong tree when it comes to these high school girls. And perhaps even if you did commit...in a few years, you'll be in your 40's and the 'older' guy appeal will wear off.

Now, it's not that abnormal to be feeling lonely since your r/ship is long-distance...but regardless of distance, this is a pattern so that part may be irrelevant. You speak of winning them over, winning their parents over...as a 'game' or 'charade' and you tire of your prey as soon as it is captured. That sounds rather soulless. Sure, you may be doing nice things for these people but you can't cover a pig in perfume and call it a rose.

[woody]

Hmm not really the responses I was expecting.

Actually I live in a middle-income country.

I'm thinking of staying with my gf and perhaps getting married soon. Because I'm very happy with her and we are very compatible.

But living alone and a long way apart, honestly my thoughts aren't exactly always about her.

Plus the old 'conquest' lure of temptation of other girls is ever-present.

Oh by the way, I've decided the girl I had a crush on a week ago, hmm I think she's too young and naive. So I'll keep links with her family and chat to her when I see her, cos y'know future isn't written yet and I've not decided to marry yet.

I guess people's replies have taught me I'd better be careful with the truth in real life.. Part if the issue is having been an expat for a long time, I pretty much do as I like and nobody criticises. Perhaps a little narcissistic due to circumstance.

- - - Updated - - -

And thanks Woody for your very insightful reply! I largely agree.

Hey British,

Just be certain is all. Marriage is in large part a selfless act. There are two of you and family to consider; and know this: Everyone and I mean everyone at some point see's 'candy' about. (candy=one one finds attractive) 'This' is normal. The true test of a strong character is acknowledging this will indubitably happen from time to time but it is what one does with it that is the true test of character.

Handsome English gentlemen are like catnip for many. If you have met a good lady, a kind and just woman, treat her well and know there are many predatory women about who could care less about what's on the inside if you get the gist. Just because you get attentions from a few doesn't mean their interested in 'all' of you so you'd be wise to get this. Got a quality lady? TAke care of her well then. A true lady will not tolerate either you throwing affections to others or others reaching you.

you don't seem like a bad guy. Just going by your own experiences is all. Still, you got a little beat up here. It was the whole predatory/prey possible ways that got folks up in arms, myself included.
Anyway British, when we meet a good person, we must put them first. True love is selfless and all giving. It is honest, compassionate and so genuinely consuming in such wonderful ways I can only hope your open to experiencing it; and if you have met a true and good woman, that you treat her very well indeed and focus on her and her alone.

[Wakeup]

I guess people's replies have taught me I'd better be careful with the truth in real life..

You're a fvcking sociopath.

[dontaskme]

I guess people's replies have taught me I'd better be careful with the truth in real life.. Part if the issue is having been an expat for a long time, I pretty much do as I like and nobody criticises. Perhaps a little narcissistic due to circumstance.

- - - Updated - - -
.

Lol, what's the option? Telling the truth in your imaginary life?

Anyway, you mentioned about marriage but you have yet to say that you love your current girlfriend, which, btw, is primarily the reason two people decide to want to live the rest of their lives together forever. Your mind is consumed with thoughts of conquering younger girls because A) you're not in love with your current girlfriend, B) you have yet to meet someone (your age) who can emotionally and intellectually challenge you, C) you're sick in the head (an old perv as per the other poster), D) you're fugly and undesirable to look at by emotionally and intellectually mature women and the only chance you have is with the highly naive young girls who know nothing about scumbags E) C&D.

Whatever it is, yeah, you've definitely been away from the civilized country for so long for you to have been shocked by the kind of responses (which were perfectly normal by the way at least to those who live their lives in congruence with reality) that you received on this forum. I suggest internalizing everything you've read in here and try to apply them to your life. Who knows, it may actually help you in the future. And definitely try to get out of your fantasy world every now and then

[British-guy]

Just thought I'd update you all on the latest, because I'm sure you'll find it interesting how things turn out and how new things come to light.

So the girl I had a crush on, well I've spent a little more time with her - we've met a couple of times now in social situations and spent a little time talking and observing each other around others too. I'm now very good trusted friends with her parents, and they're keen for us to get on. So I now know why this unusual girl caught my eye - from the start I noticed a very innocent warm look in her eyes, and a slightly wild exciting look of unpredictability in her character. Turns out she's quite clearly has Aspergers syndrome to some degree - (if you are not familiar, it means under developed in understanding social situations and other's thoughts, while remaining high-functioning in other areas). Exciting eh?

In social situations I find her intensely interested in me, and I want to be drawn in, but I'm holding right back and keeping my distance. Now I know her personality, it's clear this is a potentially dangerous situation for both of us, and I honestly take her feelings seriously. I'm not going to wreck the girl!

I'm going to develop a platonic friendship with her, and I hope we can add a lot of meaning in to each other's lives. I feel this is the start of something important. I just have to put the, er.. impure thoughts to one side as there's no way at all she could handle an intimate/sexual relationship. Unfortunately it's just out of the question for the time being. But never say never..

As for my girlfriend, well, I guess I'm in a 'reflection' stage of the relationship. She's very good for me, but, my character, I need a challenge. I'm not especially talented overall but I have some highly developed nurturing, social/personal understanding skills - I'm probably a reasonably good candidate for success with a relationship with someone with aspergers. Oh my, this is going to be fun

[Wakeup]

Ya... WHATevva.