Long post about flatmate. Really need advice.

[daz3dconfus3d]

My flatmate discovered that I was saying bad things about her to my friend after going through my phone.

First off, she shouldn't be in my phone. Second off, she drives me up the wall. Leaves lights on in the whole house, even when not home. (stuff I've mentioned more than once to her) Forgot to lock the flat on several occasions, left stove on and burnt a pot of mine. Left oven on over night. Her alarm goes off at 630 some mornings and since she doesn't need to be up, she sleeps right through it leaving me wide awake. She wakes me up in the morning for favors when I'd like to be sleeping. The kitchen and the general common area is always messy. So I felt that ranting for me was justified as it was a way for me to get rid of my anger/stress, and then I wouldn't take it out on her. My friend understood and she let me rant to her and she rants to me about a friend of hers that also does stuff that irritates her.

Anyway, long story short, she finally somehow decided she was over it (at first she had the police on speed dial as she thought I was going to kill her, which is farthest from the truth, but she saw me as two faced and freaked out).

Anyway, she decides we're back to normal, and acts like it, but says it'll take time to earn my trust again which is completely understandable.

So she decides to plan a throwing away party for a friend I've never met. And asks if I can chip in 10 quid for the beer. Fine, even though I don't know her, my house, my party too technically. Then she messages me saying we need to clean house. First off, over Christmas break, I cleaned the whole place spick and span. What happened when she got back from being with family? it turned to shambles and I didn't cause any of it, none of the mess is mine. That kinda irritated me, but fine, our house, I'll help. Then this happens, she starts going on about how I have to make up for the damage I've done, and since the damage I've done, she's taken me out, drank with me and gave me 2 days of the alone time I love so much.

First off, I never asked her to take me out, when she came home angry after reading my messages, she insisted we go somewhere and sit and talk, then insisted she get me food and said that she's gonna get me something whether I eat or not. She ended up getting something to share and a beer. I never asked for it. Alone time? I never asked for the house to myself. I left that night cause she started reading my messages out loud and I stayed at a friends house for most of it, so her leaving, didn't do me anything. She was gone for a day and a half and honestly, how was that doing me any good? I didn't ask for it. The only reason I go out of the house to get away sometimes (she read about it) is because when I'm home, in my room, trying to study or be in my thoughts, she comes over and starts chatting to me, ruining my alone time. So yeah, I avoid her and leave the house.

Anyway, I feel it's stupid of her to say that she did all this stuff for me and I owe her. First off, I already told her the other day that yeah, sure I did stuff that's not alright, but she did stuff that's not alright too, reading my messages and constantly doing things that piss me off. So she should be forgiving me too for keeping our flat in a mess, burning my pot, and other crap. leaving the house unlocked and then getting angry why I'm not going home to lock it, umm because I'm out and had plans for the day, I can't change everything for you.

My question is, am I out of line for being irritated with her requests today? I don't mind apologizing in some shape or form, but I don't think it's fair for her to use those things against me, like she's done so much for me. In the course of our whole friendship, I've done more for her. and since she took me out, well you know what, I took her out the other day and spent wayyyyyy more on us eating out. So it's not like she did something that I have never done before. I spent like 60$ on the two of us to eat out, she spent around 30$. So yeah.

I'm just frustrated and trying to make the best of the situation as I can't move out currently.

[pcmaster]

Love can solve these problems. You just have to love each other more. And in the end the love you take is equal to love you make. Peace.

[woody]

te hehee.
Sounds like your preparing for a life of marriage.
Hey, we can't gauge all the "I did this for you" "you did this for me", "I paid more than they did".
Living with another person is always going to come with a set of kinks. The trick is common courtesy. Monkey see, monkey do.
Have a chat with your flatmate. Find a balance. Be mindful of high expectations. Chances are, it's her first time living alone or maybe your first time too and this will come with a whole wack of issues.
Get use to it. It's going to happen.
They may not do their dishes when you think they should. They may not clean the washroom when it needs to be clean. So it comes down to how do you want your home to look?
and if all else fails, get another flatmate or live alone. But what you are describing is something all people go through when living with another. Consider it training for a one day possible marriage, not with her but with anyone because we can't expect others to behave or clean the way we do, we can only hope for common courtesy.

[TablesandChairs]

To successfully live in a shared-home, you need rules. I know it sounds like grade-school type stuff but without 'rules', you end up where you're at - bitter, annoyed, frustrated.

I lived with 2 other people. Rules were as follows:

No personal stuff left lying around in 'shared' areas - like the lounge room and bathroom. We each had our own storage and plenty of it so no excuse.

Then we set up a roster. We agreed that the bathroom and kitchen would be properly cleaned once a fortnight so it might have looked like this:

Sunday - Sandra in charge of bathroom. Claire in charge of Kitchen. Me in charge of general dusting and vacuuming. This would rotate as some things took longer than others and so forth.

We agreed that in general, we would wash/put our dishes away and so forth.

It sounds like boot camp maybe but it made all our lives easier. We each came in with different standards and habits so if you have some sort of roster and set duties in place; then people tend to adhere to them because it's made clear.

As a general rule, if one of us had a party - it was our responsibility to prepare, clean up and take care of our guests - unless we agreed to have a joint party.

Now it's not like the house was a museum of spotlessness - no one expected that. But it was generally clean/tidy most of the time.

Also, what you discuss with your friend in private is not here business. Who the hell reads private messages?

[TheEvilJester]

I agree with all the advice you have given, and particularly want to second the idea Tablesandchairs shared. I know it may sound a little goofy for two adults, but having a set of guidelines/rules really does help. In order to live together with somebody, you both have to be able to come to a mutual agreement on how you like to live to some degree. In other words, Adrian Monk should never live with Oscar the Grouch. They'd NEVER come to a middle-ground with which they could both live.

As far as cleaning goes, the common areas should be split, meaning each person is responsible for an equal amount of chores divided in the common areas (living room, kitchen, any shared bathrooms, etc.) Any room that belongs solely to one person is their responsibility.

Another sort of un-written rule my best friend/roomy and I have, for example..... He knows how to cook, whereas I really don't. He's teaching me, but typically he'll be the main chef and I'm the assistant. So, as a trade off, I consider it only fair I clean the dishes. HOWEVER.... that does not include dishes he uses for something he makes solely for himself. For example, sometimes he'll make himself some soup, which dirties up a pot to cook the soup, and a bowl and spoon to eat the soup. That is not my responsibility because he made that for himself. It isn't like the dishes are just automatically my chore, it is that I do most of the cleaning for the dishes used making our joint meals because he does most of the cooking.

That said, if it is just one bowl or whatever, sometimes I'll just do it because I'm doing a bunch of other dishes anyway. The point being, he can't just leave it there assuming I should take care of it.

Some of the things your roomy has done are most definitely reasonable causes for you to be upset. Accidentally burning your pot, leaving the oven on, leaving the apartment unlocked, etc. All of those are understandable. We are all human. We all "woops" sometimes. But, she needs to own up to it and stop doing it. It isn't okay to just keep forgetting to lock the apartment, keep leaving the oven on, etc. and expect you not to be upset. What is she going to do the first time she forgets to lock up and you two get robbed? Or she forgets to turn off the oven and a fire starts?

I would say you shouldn't talk about somebody behind their back, but frankly, it sounds like you've talked to her about this stuff and it doesn't improve. Bottom line, if it never does improve, then it may be your best bet to move on and find a new place/new roommate. I know you say you can't do that just yet, but I would definitely say bide your time and plan for that. (Again, unless she actually does improve. Then that would be different).

But, as others have said, you will deal with a few problems here and there no matter who you live with. I currently room with a fella who has been my best friend since kindergarten. Other than family (my brothers, my parents) and the eventual girlfriend/fiance/wife I'll have (you know, when Hell freezes over) there is basically NOBODY else in the world I would want to live with beyond this friend. ....But even he does do things here and there that get on my nerves, as I am sure I do things that get on his. The trick is picking your battles. If they are just minor things or things that may annoy you but aren't really wrong necessarily (for example, maybe they never go out so you rarely get the place to yourself, but you can't really blame them for never going out if they just prefer to stay in) then best just to learn to live with it, if you can. If they are major enough that it is make or break, then discuss it cordially and rationally, and hopefully you can come to a happy medium.

Good luck to you.

[daz3dconfus3d]

Thanks for all the advice. We've both actually lived with multiple people. I have only really had one bad roommate before, and we ended up kicking her out. Other than that, sure everyone's different and everyone's gonna make mistakes occasionally, even I'm prone to them, and I don't mind occasional stuff, but when there's multiple issues happening daily, then it really starts to bother me.

I just hated how she felt like I owed her, after all I've done for her (paid groceries for first 2-3 months, I had to move out fast from my last place and so did she which is how she met, she helped me move but we had nowhere to go so instead of crashing in my car, which I was more than willing to do for a month until our place was ready, I booked us a hotel and we spent a month in a hotel, where I paid for groceries (just microwave, expensive when you can't cook). So I felt like she owes me and not the other way round. I get it that I shouldn't have said bad stuff, but she shouldn't act like I owe her. She could say, hey, how about I don't owe you anything because you were mean. I'd accept that, gladly.

Also, in case age matters, I'm 25 and she's 32.

[lissa]

Honestly it sounds as if she's causing you more stress than it's worth to work things out with her. I don't really know what you mean about her thinking you were going to kill her, but that seems bizarre and not normal roommate bickering stuff.

I think you guys have hit a point where you should go your separate ways. In fact, at a certain point in your late 20s, I think most people just are just over having a roommate in general. Unfortunately it's not always possible to live on your own, but if you can, I'd recommend it. Otherwise, find another roommate who is less irritating to you.

[daz3dconfus3d]

Honestly it sounds as if she's causing you more stress than it's worth to work things out with her. I don't really know what you mean about her thinking you were going to kill her, but that seems bizarre and not normal roommate bickering stuff.

I think you guys have hit a point where you should go your separate ways. In fact, at a certain point in your late 20s, I think most people just are just over having a roommate in general. Unfortunately it's not always possible to live on your own, but if you can, I'd recommend it. Otherwise, find another roommate who is less irritating to you.

When I met her, I was stuck living at my ex's house and needed to move out fast (he was getting out of jail), this other girl that was supposed to room with me, found a place with some friends and ditched me. So this girl offered up, she needed a place to crash, I said she can crash with me as long as she helps me move out. I didn't want to be there when he got home as he was emotionally manipulative/abusive. He tried to kill himself so I don't leave him and ended up in the hospital, and I missed my flight to see my sister. So she knew he was suicidal. She talked about suicide a few times and it really ****ed me up. One day she was talking to her friend about it, and said how she was tired of everything in life not working out. So one day when I was texting my friend, I told her that if she tells another person about suicide, I'm going to get ideas. That does not mean I'm going to kill her, but that maybe I'll call the cops, get her help or even do something myself because people around me, trying to kill themselves makes me want to hurt myself and **** off from this life where all people do is be miserable. Anyway, she took it as I'm gonna get ideas to kill her.

[woody]

Yeah, she sounds like a loose cannon. I would recommend giving her the boot. This is your life and you must guard the energy levels your willing to endure and when the environment becomes toxic in a place that needs to be safe, (ie.home) you must do all you can to protect it.
Sounds like too much baloney to endure for too much longer. Too much drama and well, who needs it. You helped her out, you did what you can; time to move on or get her to.
Anyone that twists peoples words like what she is doing to you sounds unstable. You can't live like that. Might have to cut ties and bite the bullet, lose some money and rent a studio small enough that you won't need flat mates. Peace of mind woman. Very important. Can't function without it.
Time to draw the line.
good luck

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with woody. (No surprise there. Woody is awesome.) Furthermore, with this new information you have shared with us, I would personally recommend finding a new place by yourself (or with a more trust-worthy room-mate) ASAP, then having a friendly conversation where you tell her no hard feelings, but you need to move on.

I say this because, if her low self-esteem/melancholy moods affect you in such a way that you start to share her depression, then you need to get yourself out of the situation. Trust me, I know that sounds heartless. If we were talking about a close friend or loved one, I'd say you at least try to stick around and help, but there is even a threshold for that where you need to think of yourself. But, it sounds like this girl is basically just your roomy, and only your friend in passing if at all.

So, again, I know it may SOUND a little cold, but the honest truth is you need to worry about yourself. You cannot let somebody else drag you down into the pit with them. Sadly enough, I've had to do that myself. I fought so long and hard to get out of my own pit of despair that I refuse to let somebody else drag me back in. Mind you, I will do everything in my power to help somebody I deem a worthy friend or loved one. Still, if they seem to refuse to help themselves, then at some point you just need to leave the situation for your own health and well-being.

Good luck to you.