I absolutely need your advice....

[tsigwnhs]

Hello and happy new year. Before I begin my story I'd like to say that all my actions are my choices. So please don't judge my actions and help me understand the girl and advice me. I'll try to be as short as possible.

Last year I met a girl at college 2 years younger(19). She was in a relationship but 3 days after we met she broke up with him(due to distance; she just got into college) and we started seeing each other(not a relationship yet). 3 weeks afterwards we began a proper relationship. But I always felt she wasn't very "in" to the relationship if you know what I mean. I didn't feel she gave me what I wanted( attention, showing me that she wants me etc...). Anyway, 3 months later she told me that she started falling in love with me; 5 months later that she was crazy in love for me. On my behalf, I liked her a lot and I cared for her, but because I was hurt very badly from previous relationship, whenever I felt that she didnt give me much, I "withdrew" from the relationship. I became more distant etc. My mistake is that I never talked about that with her. Anyway, on August I decided to break up with her because thats exactly what I felt. That she didn't want me...

However, in the month we were apart I learnt from various of her friends that she loves me very much, that she cries almost every day about me. In fact, even though we broke up she messaged me although I didn't answer to her. In this month I kissed a girl I talked with, with whom we talked periodically, she was kind of an old friend. But then..... I understood that I want her, so I tried to begin from the start the relationship but this time I wanted to actually try for it(talking about our problems, what I don't like etc). We got together and then she told me that while we were apart, she saw a guy(without having sex) in order to forget about me. At first, I thought this would make me more distant than ever(even though I did the same) but just then I understood how much I lover her, that I want to be with her and I can't think of another man having her.

This happened this october. And for 3 weeks I was so happy. So, I don't know how to phrase it, good; I felt that I had everything in life and I didn't need anything else. And I thought that she felt the same. But then she broke up with me for two reasons: she got into my Facebook and saw I had discussions with the girl I kissed, and thought I have been cheating on her(I hadn't) and accussed me of not doing many things with her. That we don't do a lot of things together. I tried to convince her that I hadn't cheated on her and only kissed her once while we were apart and we didn't do many things because I thought that she didn't want to. Anyway, she didn't change her opinion and we broke up again this november.

We saw each other even after we broke up(having sex etc, I tried to persuade her but with no results. She told me that she can't be with me but she can't be without me either). The last time we met she told me that this would be the last time I saw her and that she wanted to move on with her life. At first, I thought she wasn't serious. She was saying this every time we met but afterwards she would message me. But this time she didn't talk to me and I learnt that she had sex with another man she met just recently. The last time we were together was 3 weeks ago, and 1 week ago she had sex with that man. A friend of her told me that she likes a lot that man, that she is having fun with him but they can't be together because he lives in another country so she can't see him.

Anyway, last night I saw her at a club. I went to wish her a happy new year but she was very cold. Like I've done something to her or like we were strangers who don't have anything in common. So I tried to talk to her. She told me again that her problem was that we didn't do things together. That because her character is very timid she needs a man who will take initiatives and do different things every day with her, apart from the usual (coffee, home, coffee, home, dinner outside and home again). That she got very angry when she saw the messagges from the other girl even though they weren't erotic. And she was asking me what do I want from her? I couldn't answer to that question. I couldn't say that I wanted her and then be rejected again because she is thinking of that man. It would be too much. But I want her. Every other girl seems so unimportant to me. Later, I met the guy she was seeing the summer when we first broke up and discussed and told me that whenever they were together she was talking about me. Always! I can't understand if this is how she felt about me why did she break up? And we arranged to meet tomorrow so we would discuss and be alone.

Anyway, I need your advice so I can understand what she is thinking in general and what should I say, do. I want to be with her and I am ready to do whatever it takes....

[smackie9]

She's still bitter that you broke up with her without giving her a chance to resolve any issues you had and you never gave her closure. Then she sees you chatting with other girl, which makes her feel you have less love for her. She broke up with you to get away from the pain, and try to move on, but ended up using dude as a her emotional tampon. She slept with another guy to feel appreciated because her self esteem is very low. All this could have been prevented if YOU had "communicated" with her.

She is in a tug-owar with her emotions. She longs for the days before all this happened, but knows things will never be the same, that everything is tainted with doubts and painful memories. So I'm not even sure if this is salvageable. I think she is just going to end up venting to have her final release and get closure so she can finally move on.

My advice.....communication. Good luck on your meeting.

[Wakeup]

My guess is that she's sick or your indecision and wishy/washy ways (being afraid to let yourself become vulnerable to her, not being exciting enough or active enough for a guy your age-just watching t.v. and going to restaurants only)

I think the only reason she's still giving you the time of day is because she's not yet given her a chance to rehab from you being in her life due to not having gone no contact... which of course, is cruel to you because she keeps giving you hope that this relationship is salvageable.

You've broken up several times. When a relationship is off and on then its natures way of telling you to get the hell over one another and get on with getting on with your lives without one another in it. If she takes you back, the same thing will eventually happen again because you were obviously not meant to be life partners. Don't confuse love with habit and fear of being alone

[tsigwnhs]

I don't now if you remember the story but I mentioned that she slept with a man. It turns out tha she wasn't sleeping with him(didn't want to).

I met with her. She told me that she was feeling I wasn't giving her attention/didn't do many things together and that I was rejecting her. She also told me that if I had been then like I am now we would have never broken up but now it is late because she got hurt. I wonder though if that is true since we met 2-3 days ago but she has messaged me by herself 2 times telling me things she didn't like in our relationship and asking the reason I did some certain things. And generally chatting with me. It seems like she is forcing herself to not be with me: that although she wants, she just won't do it.

So, taking as a fact that I want to be with her, what do you think I should do or say from now on??

[CrasherRob8]

Why don't you just tell her straight out that you want to get back with her and that you understand that you screwed up in multiple ways. Ask her what things she didn't like about you in the relationship and focus on changing those. Not for her but for you to better yourself.

[drleo]

if you love her go for her, she is a female she made to believe what you tell her and your a man you made to make her feel good and special but choose your words care full

[daisy123]

I agree with drleo, being man you should initiate and try to understand your GF.