I've got myself into a mess 😔

[Nicky210473]

Hi everyone.. Hope you can help.
I met someone 6 mths ago at a singles event he lives over 2 hrs from me. He taught me to rock n roll and we caught up once a mth there. For one of the events he booked an expensive hotel and invited me to stay. I had sex with him and thought it would be a great friends with benifit a arrangement as I'm happy single and highly independent. Recently he asked to go somewhere different because the event was cancelled. He kept calling us friends so I thought it was working until he said he told his daughter we are exclusive. He said she wanted to meet me and he organised to go for lunch. She's a lovely girl but she obviously thinks her father is in a relationship. Later I asked him to make sure I said 'do you want a relationship?' He replied yes with the biggest smile and hug. I was asking him if that's what he wanted but he's taken it as me asking him for a relationship with me. I'm not physically attracted to him and find him a bit controlling. I don't want to be in a relationship with him. I have a feeling he's going to go off! He said he doesn't sleep around and he's picky with who he wants to be with so he gets attached he even said he has feelings for me. Please help, I feel trapped! I don't know what to say and I want out! I'm happy to keep the FWB but this is way too full on what do I say? Don't get me wrong I love spending time with him but he's made the arrangements of meeting his daughter and said we're exclusive without asking me. Now the worst thing is a while ago I asked him to the singles event NYE party now it's ended up being at another place in the city where he's asked his daughter and her partner to go. He prob doesn't mean anything by it he knows we all get along well but I paid $140 for the ticket.. Should I forfeit? I'd still like to go.. Point is I don't know what to say and the right time to tell him but I need to sooner rather than later or I'm just leading him on. Thanks everyone..
By the way someone said he baited me where he made a whole lot of statements and arrangements that made me question the situation of a relationship.. I'm not sure this is the case but either way I haven't, or it hasn't been handled very well and I'm just trying to correct it.

[Wakeup]

How old are you that you've let this get to the point where it is without being confident enough to speak candidly to the man you've been allowing inside of you?

Grow up and just tell him that you don't want to be in a relationship with him and if that means you end up not being able to have sex with him again then so be it.

Learn to communicate.

[Nicky210473]

^You're damn harsh with your replies, I'm not digging at you I love the way you're straight to the point there's no sweeteners on the truth with you. I understand you're making a point when you ask how old I am but I'm also going to tell you because it's relevant. I'm 40 and he's 60. That's not my problem in the least though don't be sidetracked by the age difference. Yes, I'm soft because I don't want to hurt him. I will still stand up for myself but you've got to have compassion. I can't be that much of a b*tch to not care about someone else's feelings. I don't know if I should be going NYE and just tell him right away. 'I' want to go but it's probably misleading considering I know how I feel and I know how he feels.. We're not on the same track so it's not a good thing. It's knowing what to say and when to say it I have the problem with

[Wakeup]

Glad you don't take offence to straight shooting observations.. I do hope you've learned a lesson in that when someone mistakes what you've said to them that you immediately correct the misunderstanding because you will have hurt him far more now that you let that blooper go... water under the bridge but needed to be said.

Correct the misunderstanding and let the chips fall where they may. If he was open to being fk buddies with you then he'll be fine, as he's the type, as soon as he hooks up with the next fk buddy that he can reel in from online. There are thousands of them on any given dating site after all.

Go to your party and if he shows up the least you can do is be civil to one another. Don't ask him to continue on in the non-committed sexual relation. Doing that with someone you know wants more with you is self-serving, selfish and actually more cruel then going no contact.

[Nicky210473]

I agree with you but after that I may not to go. This has just got one more step complicated because he booked the tickets for all of us, we were all going together. I'm supposed to be staying at his daughters house with them because it's close to the city. This is what I mean by it's got way too full on. This happened all too quick for 5 mths it was fine within the last few weeks it's been going like a freight train and I lost control. This is how I see it, a fk buddy will come in get done and leave, a FWB is someone you can go out with enjoy their company have sex if both are willing and catch up again when it's mutual. In my book it is anyway.. But now his daughters involved it's become complex.. Idk if I'm just over thinking but staying with them all at hers is probably a bad idea now. I see it this way, it's like selling him a car with a lot of issues now I could just shut my mouth and let him buy it .. Or tell him about it and negotiate a price .. And give him the opportunity to walk away and find something more suitable. You're right I need to communicate with him.. And there goes $140.. Unless I just go and tell him after.

[Nicky210473]

I called him and told him straight. He says he's really happy about it bc I was honest. He wants to take a step back and go back to FWB. I said no because that's selfish on my behalf. He insists it's so much better an says it gives us an opportunity to meet someone closer. He wants to see me tomorrow and he's looking forward to NYE with everyone. He says I'm overthinking to just chill. I said as long as you know where we stand and the last thing I want is to hurt you. He said he'd be honest if it did but it suits him. I'm concerned he's covering. 😕

[Wakeup]

Your call now I guess.

I'll just warn you that this is going to get messy in one way or another.

[Nicky210473]

Agreed... I will go to New Years then call it quits. It's not cutting it off right now but it's not going to string along. I have a feeling he doesn't want to let go altogether so he's settling for what he can get. I'll do him the favour and move on.

[smackie9]

Why are you not cutting him off completely?? You said yourself he was controlling....well this is his way of controlling you by telling you what you want to hear. You go, you will find yourself in a tight spot, possibly making things real uncomfortable. Do yourself and him a favor, stop giving him false hope, move on properly, don't bother going.

- - - Updated - - -

Tip: always stipulate your intentions, and lay out groud rules when it comes to FWB. Never ever assume they are on the same page, always make it verbal.

[Nicky210473]

Ok fair point. But do remember we're adults and I was honest and straightforward. I also said to him I'll forfeit the $140 for NYE he said that was just silly. I did give him the opportunity.. Put it this way, If the tables were turned here and he put a post up here about the situation with all the details above I would think you would be saying to him well she did tell you and you wernt mislead by her it was your choice. Do remember after NYE I am parting ways. Is this so bad on my behalf? I also said If I was to continue with FWB that would be selfish on my behalf he did say no defiantly not I'm more than happy with the arrangement. I'm also not a mind reader. He should be honest with me too it's not all one way. He's controlling when it comes to me wanting to wear certain things out he says I don't like that I like the dress you wore last time better don't spend money on a new dress I just moved into a new place I said I'd like a new vacuume cleaner this one is on it's way out he said there's nothing wrong with it don't go buy something else it does enough. I work hard and earn my own money I don't need to be told what to wear or buy or need. I think this just could work if I'm the strong one that sets boundaries and if it doesn't work for him then so be it. I accept that. What more can I do?

[Wakeup]

I think you're making a good compromise. You don't want him stalking you or worse once you DO end it altogether so just go as a simple friend, don't sleep with him that night and then do the fade until he contacts you again and then you can tell him its not working anymore, wish him luck in his search and hopefully he'll not go all "fatal Attraction" on yur azz.

Happy New Year.

[Nicky210473]

Thanks wakeup I feel comfortable with my decision. I needed to read your reply to communicate. That's what I should have done in the first place but at least now I did and told him how things are 😊

[smackie9]

Please up date us on his reaction tonight.

[Nicky210473]

Yes he's attached but I have to withdrawal he knows I'm busy for the next few weeks and so is he so it's probably a good time to break it. It's not easy when one gets so attached.

[smackie9]

A friend of mine was in his shoes. Started out as FWB, then he became obsessed with her. This was not like him, he usually would be the one to break it off in these circumstances and move on when the girl would catch feelings. This time the tables were turned. She kept seeing him, but never committed, still saw her ex off and on as well, but never hiding it. She was open and firm about the arrangement. It tore him apart. I told him over and over to cut her off, but he couldn't do it he kept hoping someday she would stay with him. This went on for a couple of years, he would distance himself but she or he would hoover the other back. I'm not sure if he has completely moved on because he just stopped talking about it. I just gave up on it. I don't ever ask because I know how painful it was for him.

So you will be doing him a great favor by ending it.