Will we ever get engaged?

[Roses919191]

My boyfriend & I have been dating for almost a year & a half. Starting at 6 months, I'd ask if this was serious for him. He's always said "I love you, I know I want to marry you & start a family with you, when the timing is right I'll propose, you never have to worry about where this is going. If I weren't serious about you I wouldn't be with you." He asked me to move in with him, goes home for the holidays with me & my family. But now I'm getting annoyed about waiting too long for a ring. I'll ask, "Do you intend to propose within the next year or much longer than that? Because I don't want to sit around waiting for 5 years, it makes me feel like you don't value me enough to do something as simple as get a ring." He'll say "I've given you my commitment, I will propose when the time is right, I'm just not ready quite yet". Says he has to fly home and announce to his family (abroad) that he plans to propose before he does so... because he hasn't seen them in 10 years and it'd be "disrespectful" to get married without first having the chance to tell them in person. He is planning a trip this summer to see them.

He says if I have to get engaged right now, then we might be better going our separate ways since he's not ready yet and I'm constantly pushing for it. I said "If you tell me you want to wait multiple more years to propose, then that'll solve the problem right now, since I won't be on board with that & I'll leave you." But he won't say that.

I just want a general idea, if he sees himself getting married/starting to settle down in 2, 5, or 10 years. Because we are almost 30 & I don't want to wait another decade to have kids. He said that is fair & he'll take a lot of time to think about it & then he'll give me a concrete answer & we can see how our timetables line up & whether I want to continue.

his family lives in extreme poverty far away & he hasn't seen them in 10 years but talks to them & sends them every bit of extra money he can, they are always asking him for money. So maybe he doesn't want to get married till he feels he can better provide for both me & them? Maybe that's why he needs time to think in order to come up with a "specific time frame"?

[dontaskme]

What do you want us to say if you already got the answer from him? It may not be what you wanted to hear, but it is what it is. Either you stay with him or leave.

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The only person who can give you a general idea is him, certainly not internet strangers.

But wait.... forget it.... my crystal ball is out of commission today

[michelle23]

I don't know what to say either. Marriage isn't really that important to me. I am living with my bf and were having a baby.. if you want kids, whats stopping you?

[lovebroken]

Maybe he is saving to buy you a nice ring and he can't afford to hurry that process because of his money situations? Is that possible? Why does he have to fly home to tell his parents he is to propose, can't he call or send a nice hand written letter? You have to decide if pushing this is worth losing him, what matters more, your relationship with him and the future or getting that ring before you turn 30?

[Roses919191]

I just don't want a guy who's ambivalent about me. Who might, maybe, propose in 5 years if he's feeling like it & no better options are around. A guy who would much rather lose me now than propose within the next years, because that's how special he thinks I am.

[fearoflove]

Why does he need to go abroad to tell his family before proposing. Proposing should be his decision. Why can't he propose first then tell his family the news between the proposal and the wedding? I think he is just saying that to delay things. If a guy is delaying, isn't sure, etc, he doesn't think you are the one for him. Hurry up and find someone else! The clock is ticking and he is a time waster!

[Roses919191]

Ok but I don't know why he'd continue to date me, live with me, spend time with my family etc when he doesn't have much free time, unless he meant what he said about this leading to marriage eventually

[smackie9]

There is more to stepping towards marriage than getting a ring put on your finger. It's about learning to work together in a partnership (living together) and showing HIM that YOU are worthy of this marriage. He wants to see how you two get along and deal with the challenges of money, responsibilities, etc.

What have you done to prepare for a life long commitment? Have you set aside some of your savings for a down payment for a house? have you put together a financial plan when you have children? What about careers? Have you both settled into good paying jobs, or at least stable jobs? Have you put together a timeline of what you want to have accomplished in 2 years? 5 years? 10? What about the household....have you set up who's going to take on the role of cooking, shopping, doing the chores? Have you settled on a budget and how the finances are going to be spent yet?

Men are motivated by action, not by what they hear, so nattering at him about it is going to make you look selfish and self entitled, this is a huge turn off. You need to shut up and embrace the tasks that are ahead of you to build this relationship towards marriage. Once he sees your efforts,and things are progressing then you will see your ring. So be positive, put on a happy face and work you butt off.

[Roses919191]

I've had experiences where men showered me with attention & seemed to worship the ground I walked on, called me beautiful & amazing constantly. It was always a turnoff. Maybe I seem needy & smothering. To my BF & it's a turnoff. How do I become less so? By saying I think I'll take that traveling position at my job next year?

[Roses919191]

My bf said he is taking time right now to really think through my question of a specific timeline & when he will be ready to get married.

The other day he said he definitely wanted kids, just not right now. I said "are you unsure if you want them with ME?" He said "if that were true, then I wouldn't be with you!" As if it were obvious

[dontaskme]

I think your boyfriend is better off dumping your ass now because eventually, he will regret proposing in the future to an insecure and needy woman who cannot trust the person she supposedly loves.

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And yeah, go travel so your boyfriend can breath a little from the relationship. I'm sure he's suffocating from you nagging him about proposing to you.

[dickriculous]

it makes me feel like you don't value me enough to do something as simple as get a ring

Stop right there, stop thinking about marriage and kids or any such thing. You are not mature enough, not even close. You have a bare minimum of 10 years worth of growing/wising up and finding yourself to do before you're ready to even begin thinking about marriage. Seriously, I knew better than this when I was in ****ing elementary school.

I don't have time to sit here and point out everything that's ****ed up about what you're saying because I'd have to write a book to go over everything so I suggest sitting down with a friend who's willing to be real with you even if the truth isn't what you want to hear. Hopefully you have such a friend, you desperately need one.

I've had experiences where men showered me with attention & seemed to worship the ground I walked on, called me beautiful & amazing constantly

That explains a lot. At the time it seems like a nice ego boost to have white knights slobbering over you, flopping to the ground for you to walk on and bowing down to your every demand under the impression that this is the key to getting your legs open, but what you didn't realize at the time was the amount by which being spoiled by these dumb and weak males was stunting your emotional growth and deconditioning you from being able to properly handle a relationship. You have a LOT to learn about love and life, get these silly notions of marriage out of your head until then.

[smackie9]

I've had experiences where men showered me with attention & seemed to worship the ground I walked on, called me beautiful & amazing constantly. It was always a turnoff. Maybe I seem needy & smothering. To my BF & it's a turnoff. How do I become less so? By saying I think I'll take that traveling position at my job next year?

OMG did you not read my post? or did you just read the first and last sentence skipping everything in between. I didn't say you were smothering him. I asked what have you done in order to prepare for this marriage. Now the cat is out of the bag.....you are used to having everything handed to you on a silver platter, he isn't doing what the others have done and it has you all befuddled. I agree with the others you need some growing up to do because you have no clue how this all supposed to work. It's no wonder he's feeling a bit unenthusiastic at this time.

[ramesh11]

Simply you can sit and decide the things wit your partner without deciding the things it will run the entire things... I would request you to talk to love and then decide when you want to get married?

[Roses919191]

My bf had always wanted to wait for marriage & kids (which he considers 1 in the same) until after he finishes his medical training, which is in 4 years. At that point, he said he wants his wife and kids to become his number 1 priority & it'd be hard to do that while he's still in training right now (working 90 hours high stress per week, etc). He said in order for the relationship to continue, I just have to answer whether I'm willing to wait that long, because he says I deserve happiness & doesn't want to hold me back if id rather find someone who wants to get married sooner.

He said he'd just assumed we were journeying toward eventual marriage & didn't know initially I'd be unwilling to wait till age 31.