Simple question hurtful answer

[MegWright]

So I was talking to my boyfriend and I did what a lot of women do and asked him a very serious question that I really wasn't strong enough to hear the answer for. I had started asking questions about his ex and how pretty she is. I asked him on a scale one to ten how pretty is she after avoiding the question for a few he responded she is cute I stated that doesn't answere my question. This went back and forth for a while until he turned to me and said she's beautiful. I again asked ok so is that a nine or a ten. He replied ten. I felt my stomach fly into my throat. I then asked if he would go back to her if she moved here and he said no because of her parents. I stopped the conversation at that point. No where in this conversation did he say anything about him wanting to be with me or my looks or anything. What do I do or say to him at this point?

[shortyrock]

Um...this is your own fault for prying. That's a ridiculous thing to ask your partner, and you're seriously asking for it. What was the point? Were you expecting him to say he thought she was ugly?

[MegWright]

Obviously he wouldn't say she is ugly but I know all of my exs after we broke up weren't a ten in my eyes anymore and on top of that even if he thought she was he could have followed it up with something to make me feel better about myself after saying what he said or at least including the fact we are together as a reason he wouldn't go back to her

[shortyrock]

Don't ask questions you aren't ready to hear an honest answer for.

[MegWright]

K well I'm not asking who the f*** is right or wrong in this situation I'm asking what to do now since the situation already happened if you are just going to sit here and try to talk down to me then stop replying

[shortyrock]

LOL. Relax. I'm being honest with you.

There's really nothing you can do now aside from telling him how the conversation made you feel.

[dontaskme]

Maybe the ex is really pretty and you are just.... Oh well.... Average?

Stop being insecure. What are you going to do? Break up with him for being honest with you that the ex has the x-factor and you don't? WTF!

[CrasherRob8]

You asked the question, he was honest with you, and now you feel threatened because he said he wouldn't get back with her because of her parents. The issue lies in that you are basing a lot off of those tiny facts.

How long were they together for? Does he still talk to her or mention her? How long have you two been together for? What did he mean by her parents? These are questions that would help us better answer your question.

However he is not with her but with you. As long as he isn't wanting to get back with her and not contacting her, you shouldn't have anything to worry about.

[TheEvilJester]

I definitely understand how you feel. Maybe it is just me, but I agree the proper gentlemanly thing to do would have been to say something about you to make you feel better. Hell, even if he wanted to be honest, he could still do so in a way to show that you are his one and only.

The thing is, he may have just been being honest since you were asking. You didn't ask where he rates you compared to her, you just ask what he'd rate her. That isn't a suggestion, by the way. DON'T ask where he rates you compared to her. That's not really a fair question to ask a person and you would just risk seeming insecure. That really is the sort of question you just shouldn't ever ask somebody. What does it matter? He is with you, he's not with her.

You ask what you should do now, but honestly you just shouldn't do anything. If you bring it up again it could just start to make him think you are insecure or that you don't trust him. Like I said, he's not with her anymore. He is with you. That is what is truly important.

You could feel free to have an honest conversation with him. Instead of asking about his ex, ask how he is feeling about you. Sometimes guys are just clueless. You may have been asking this hoping him to instead talk about how beautiful you are to him, but he may have just answered honestly thinking honesty was what you wanted.

And again, think of it this way: He considers her a ten..... yet he's not with her. He's with you. What must that make you? ;-)

[basilandthyme]

What should you do? Let it go.

We all do stupid sh1t from time to time. You really don't have much choice but to learn from your actions and move forward without mentioning it again.

[MegWright]

We have been together for a while he says he doesn't talk to her but idk and he doesn't like her parents

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you theeviljester this has helped a lot it's just a lot to handle he already knows about my insecurities and my trust issues that I've always had not just with him but because of my past we talked more about it today and it's getting calm here again

[Wakeup]

Obviously he wouldn't say she is ugly but I know all of my exs after we broke up weren't a ten in my eyes anymore and on top of that even if he thought she was he could have followed it up with something to make me feel better about myself after saying what he said or at least including the fact we are together as a reason he wouldn't go back to her

That is your rather unrealistic and immature way of looking at it... It's NOT HIS WAY of looking at it.

People telling you what you want to hear will do NOTHING to help you with what is fundamentally YOUR problem. Work on your confidence by going to the gym, getting a make-over, doing things you've always wanted to do but haven't yet accomplished. You have to work on loving yourself or you will just keep being a pain in the ass to any guy who you are actually going to be attracted to.

You are the type that would soon tire of a guy that kept complimenting you and telling you what you wanted to hear.

Just because you are no longer with someone it certainly doesn't mean they suddenly become ugly or the aren't as good looking as they once were. You asked him for his opinion on her LOOKS on a scale from one to 10... She was a 10 and she still is a 10 even though he is no longer with her.

Any guy who "followed it up with something about how "good" you are would be enabling you to be immature in your quest for compliments. Any guy worth his salt would not cater to your phishing attempt to get a boost by giving a shit test to get it.

You MUST learn to truly view YOURSELF as the prize that any guy would be happy to to have instead of asking confidence whittling questions and then getting upset because you EXPECT the guy to kiss your ass to make you feel good about yourself.

He's with you and if he's treating you with respect and showing you he values you in his actions then quit acting like a spoiled brat and enjoy your time with him... if you don't you may lose him for putting him in such positions and by showing him how insecure and entitled you are being.

[TheEvilJester]

As is often the case, I find myself agreeing with a lot of what Wakeup has to say. The only thing I'll say is I think everybody is insecure now and then. There is no weakness in that, nor is there weakness in leaning on somebody else to help you through it. As long as that doesn't become a crutch for you, that is. Because you are definitely right that people need to find that strength in themselves, and not expect others to give it to them.

The other advice I'd also give, though, is that people are also not mind-readers. So, when you ask a guy if he finds some other girl attractive, he may not necessarily get that you are asking because you really want him to feed your ego a bit.

I don't know. Is it just me, or do I think you should never be telling your significant other that you find other people attractive? Personally, I just find it disrespectful. To me, it isn't about trust, ego, or anything like that. We are all human. Just because we are in a relationship doesn't mean we are blind to all other attractive people in the world. But, you shouldn't feel the need to say anything about it, nor should it matter in the least whether or not somebody else is attractive if you are in a relationship. That said, it's also a bad idea to ask your significant other about others they may perhaps find attractive. Why bother if it will just risk making you insecure?

[woody]

Hey Meg,

Yah, ouch. you know, you could just chalk it up to some men are a little thick on the whole, 'gee, how best to answer this' thing. He should have been, could have been, ought to have been a little more diplomatic in his response but he wasn't.
I wouldn't put too much into it. Tough as that may be.
I know, I know, what you needed to hear was something like, "sure, she's pretty but she's got nothing on you babe and your the only one for me" BUT , he left that part out.
Perhaps he didn't want to play into what he felt was your insecurity. Rather cruel as that may be. He perhaps found it ridiculous you'd even be concerned with such things and intentionally left the 'sugar coating' on the shelf.

Hey, when my s.o told his ex about me, he told her he didn't know if she was coming back, that he needed someone and I was there and that he missed her.

Now that's an ouch that still urks my bit. Big time. How did I move on from it? I didn't. Still hurts. 3 years later I am still bothered greatly by this but I chalk it up to that whole men from mars thing.
Sometimes even our most sweetest of men are thick in certain ways.

He made a mistake. People do these things. The real question here is what is your heart telling you aside from the questions and answers about the ex.
If its telling you good stuff, let that be the part of the foundation; not some stupid inconsiderate response of his.

[drleo]

that is your own fault, what if he was the one asking you that forth and back what would you tell him? and you knew it will result into pain but you still asked ,why do you look for pain ,just appreciate and enjoy every moment with him,because he is with you now nothing more