My girl thinks I am not over an old ex, and that my commitment is not 100% to her

[tomcochrane]

Look, this is my last advice to you and if you are smart, you'd take it seriously. You can't change anyone. Your GF is the only person who can help herself by looking into her inner self deeply and not only acknowledging that she has issues but addressing them as well. Just like you sought rehab when you finally accepted the fact that you had a drug problem, she needs to rehabilitate herself either by asking for professional help or trying to do it for her own sake and future happiness and not because she wants to please you.

I didn't tell you to run away. I said you need to do something more productive for you and stop dwelling too much on this as I can see that it is eating you alive without you even knowing it.

Go out with you friends, visit your family, complete a project, do whatever it takes to get your mind of it until your insecure GF can get over her head and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her. Quit enabling her insecurities by being more positive and valuable to society instead of whining and wallowing in front of a computer screen and internet strangers.

Yep, that's good advice thanks. I realise it has been occupying too much of my time in the eve. Hope she does realise in the end. I won't be contacting her apart from posting her bday present in a few weeks.
Cheers

[woody]

Hey Tom, figure I'd jump back in here. I think what the ladies are trying to say is uh, from where their sitting, this lady does indeed sound like she's got some pretty high walls to scale for some reason or other. (Damages done and she may need to work on that) but you are involved now aren't you? Both of you are.

While I disagree with your lady making you wait so long and have to wonder why, only she'll know the true and total scoop on that one.
And while gallant of you to house patience and endure mild heart torture, I believe the ladies here are encouraging you to not go over the top. Scaling walls is great exercise n' all but your lady needs to meet you half way man or at least throw you a rope (preferably made of hemp)...

You've done what can be done. Careful not to over bombard her with texts and what not. Lady wants time then give it to her but know when enough is enough.

Only the two of you truly understand what's going on between you.

I don't understand the whole 3 month waiting period though and wonder if there's more to it. Anyway, good luck Tom

[tomcochrane]

Hey Tom, figure I'd jump back in here. I think what the ladies are trying to say is uh, from where their sitting, this lady does indeed sound like she's got some pretty high walls to scale for some reason or other. (Damages done and she may need to work on that) but you are involved now aren't you? Both of you are.

While I disagree with your lady making you wait so long and have to wonder why, only she'll know the true and total scoop on that one.
And while gallant of you to house patience and endure mild heart torture, I believe the ladies here are encouraging you to not go over the top. Scaling walls is great exercise n' all but your lady needs to meet you half way man or at least throw you a rope (preferably made of hemp)...

You've done what can be done. Careful not to over bombard her with texts and what not. Lady wants time then give it to her but know when enough is enough.

Only the two of you truly understand what's going on between you.

I don't understand the whole 3 month waiting period though and wonder if there's more to it. Anyway, good luck Tom

Hey. Thanks for jumping in.
I've been doing things to take my mind off the situation but of course I can't help but go through mild heart torture, after having zero contact with someone who I spoke to a lot and got to know from April and then every day up till rehab, then every day until she read the message. I haven't been bombarding with texts, only messaged her on that one day that you advised me on, heard nothing. All I'm going to do now is send her bday present. In that I will ask her if she wants to meet for a xmas/bday celebration dinner. I'll put it as an invite in the little trinket box I got her...if that doesn't work then looks like I'll be waiting.

There is more to this story, hopefully it'll explain how someone I've only known for 6 months became someone who had to almost instantly trust me the moment things went past a certain point. I started to get into it in a previous comment but didn't divulge too much info but I'm going to spill now. I still get a bit paranoid wherever I tell this story, but touch wood she doesn't read these things!

Ok, the story starts with.......me overdosing and going to hospital in beginning of April, I almost lost my life, after 1 week intensive care and 1 week in the ward I left hospital and attended a community day service all week. I was still using but 'safer' use (I know its silly how an addicts head works). I was cutting down and jumping off of opiates and benzos. I needed rehab, so the service agreed to get a social worker to assess me from an organisation they work in collaberation with.

So, the first appointment came and we met. Bam...I was taken aback by her beauty and was reeled in instantly I think. She was there to do a job though so I was recounting my whole life to her, every drug I took, everywhere I lived, every time I've been to A&E, EVERYTHING in all its gory detail. No chance I thought.
Next assessment (there should only really have been one) more of my history, but also talking on a slightly different level, I threw in some light flirting here and there. I had her work mobile and she would ring me just for little details..
Then a third and fourth assessment....theres no way it should have gone past two, but each one was limited to an hour and we found ourselves chatting. No barriers broken yet though, if I ever got too personal she would tell me sorry cannot divulge that info etc. The fourth assessment was the last, I knew I wouldn't see her again if I didn't do something...so I took a risk, and I said to her just before she left, you have my number....get in touch via your personal number if you want to chat.

I thought little of it, but glad I put that sentance out there. Then a few days later a text. We were chatting about anything and everything. We kind of skipped first 'dinner' date, we'd done enough talking around a table. Again, I took a risk...it was around June, nice weather so I invited her away for a mini weekend break by the sea. She said yes. We met, i thought i was a little bit nervy but she was so nervous, as you can imagine 'I cant believe im doing this'...'maybe we should turn around, I've never done anything like this before'. I re-assured her at every turn that she could trust me. Ethical boundaries already broken from the moment she contacted me from her personal number.

We were having a great time on the beach, at dinner, walking round town etc. Yes I was expectant of things happening in the night time from right before we met until i found she'd booked a twin bed room. Fair enough i thought. Respected that, but we'd had such a great time she just took me by surprise and jumped on me. That's when things really started. we'd meet for dinner once or twice a week, she'd come to my flat with plans of dinner etc, but we'd spend most of the time together intimately, and despite being different had so much to say to each other. I loved the fact that she just took me as I am. Knowing all my gritty details. Though we were doing things in secret. She didn't want me to tell ANYONE she was laying her social worker registration and a £50,000 ($70k+?) a year job all for ME. Just me and my company. Wrong in the eyes of many but to me an amazing situation..i had to pinch myself sometimes. I had some money 'available' in overdraft but she bought me and paid for EVERYTHING. As well as driving me around everywhere....but I wasn't abusing this, I liked her not her money. I'd always offer to pay but she would just refuse. The time was coming though...I had go to rehab for 3 months. We had one final dinner followed by continuous kissing and the very person sending me to rehab looking extremely sad to see me go. She said she'd wait.

Rehab. Spoke every week on the phone and kept in contact via email. I had very good reason to be contacting my 'care manager' they called it, but obviously had to be extremely subtle in conversation! It was annoying. I'd put my innermost thoughts into email. She was supposed to be visiting to do my mid-stay assessment, I didn't want her to. I felt uncomfortable with seeing her and my rehab keyworker and me being trapped. She was annoyed for a week or so, claiming she'd been preparing herself to see me, but she got over it we did it on the phone

I probably shouldn't have gone into rehab with this. It could or may have been damaging. Anyway I completed my time October 2nd. Spoke to her as soon as I returned for a couple of hours, she said she was stupid for doing it, and was worried every day that I was in rehab in case it came out. I told her: 'Your lucky that the person you picked was me, you can trust me'. She said for the first time yes she trusted me, coming from someone who doesnt trust anyone. Jumped in her car a week later everything was back on, it was as if I hadn't been away at all. She raised some concerns, but they went away. Continued meeting, another holiday, more dinners etc etc....things were developing...she knew me like a book, and I'd got to know her now...we were definitely falling for each other. She changed jobs, social working with disabled people instead. Bit of pressure relieved. I could never go to her house though. Her sister is also a social worker, theres NO WAY she would understand. She'd been worried about our future, she claimed that all her old relationships are wastes of time because they never went anywhere. She worried this could be one. I was thinking she wanted to break it off when bam she tells me her sister is moving out in *FEBRUARY* and maybe we could trial living together and of course by then, I'd be an average guy with a job and my own place hopefully. She'd told me I was the only person she would want to live with, always telling me I'm perfect (far from it) HUUGE expectations for me to fulfill! But she believed it.

Then....the incident! Maybe its clearer why it hurt her so much. All this trust she had in me, seemingly drained away. For a misinterpreted fb message. Though she knew I'd been talking to this ex before, now 'feelings' were involved, so not allowed. 'I'm upset you hurt me, and that you seemed to put feelings for your ex over priority of mine, but I'm giving you a second chance. I'll wait for you patiently till February'. Were her exact words. I remarked 'What if things are not the same' she replied 'Well they were after three months in rehab, they will again'. Until a week later when she told me she was missing me etc. That was Nov 10th. But nothing since, from either side have been told no contact allowed. Went halfway and told her all my feelings over a week ago. Nothing since.

Theres the story, long yet still incomplete, but thought I'd try tell it properly.
All she wanted was 'Some fun' at the start, but things obviously got a lot deeper. Without words of love or anything exchanged, a lot of guesswork involved on when it had become deeper, but it was clear. In the car on that fateful day we declared we loved each other and that she'd felt that way for the last couple of weeks prior.

Is there a chance that February* isn't just a coincidence?!
Also opinions on the whole situation?
We have no proffessional relationship anymore, and only seperated by 6 months in age.
If I were the kind of person to do it, I could still have her social workers license revoked, and she would lose her career. I comforted her on that argument day that whatever happens between us I would never do that to her, she seems to be safe and secure with those words from me. She see's it as a power I have over her she said that once, but I don't.

[pcmaster]

That was nice 8560 characters post from Tom. The length only proves how strong is love.

This 3 month waiting reminds me TV show Geordie Shore. Its a British reality show where guys and girls live in same house and goes out in weekends to party. So one girl wanted her guy to live months without sex. After few weeks he was like "Vicky when are you gona bang?" Lol so it this topic reminds me that situation. Maybe just girl wanted guy to prove that he can wait for her without sex. Thats like ultimate test of love.

I think waiting thats good in your case because you use that energy for writing. Might be become writer by these 3 months. Theres already enough material in your posts to publish a small book.

[tomcochrane]

That was nice 8560 characters post from Tom. The length only proves how strong is love.

This 3 month waiting reminds me TV show Geordie Shore. Its a British reality show where guys and girls live in same house and goes out in weekends to party. So one girl wanted her guy to live months without sex. After few weeks he was like "Vicky when are you gona bang?" Lol so it this topic reminds me that situation. Maybe just girl wanted guy to prove that he can wait for her without sex. Thats like ultimate test of love.

I think waiting thats good in your case because you use that energy for writing. Might be become writer by these 3 months. Theres already enough material in your posts to publish a small book.

Ha, thanks, not sure whether thats a compliment/advice or what!
I do participate in a creative writing course on Wednesdays, so today I've done a lot of writing. Hehe.
I wonder if I wrote too much and that no one is going to read it and tell me what they think of any moral implications involved etc.

[pcmaster]

Well I actually read the whole thing now. Looks like she broke the rules at work when she got serious with you and then this incident with ex. She overacted but then again maybe she was expecting better of you and thats why took too hard what you did.

So you were using drugs. Do you have a job mate? Because you have to live as much normal life as you can to stay healthy. I mean be active to keep addiction in safe distance.

[TablesandChairs]

I'm a social worker and I wouldn't dream of crossing professional boundaries. It took a 4 year degree and 2 years of specialization to become a social worker - years in which the mantra 'never cross professional boundaries' is chanted at you over and over. But we don't do it not just because we're told not to - it's because we know it to be wrong. Every ounce of communication/activity with a client needs to be recorded; case-note omission is a violation in itself. It doesn't matter that you two are no longer engaged in a worker-client relationship - she can still be accountable if this leaks at any point. Why? Because we don't go screwing with vulnerable peoples heads or emotions...that's the opposite of our job and exactly what's happening here.

She's probably feeling panicked - not because of the texts but because she could have her license revoked and there's probably some guilt and remorse mixed in there too. There could be a slip of the tongue - you could get intoxicated or high and spill your guts to the wrong person...there are 100 scenarios that are probably going through her head, all of which could lead to an embarking professional situation. The fact that she's continuing to toy with you with this 'waiting' game is pretty heartless. She should know better.

Either way - what's done is done and you will need to leave the ball in her court because she's got some things she needs to sort out.

[woody]

^^yup. PC and TC , what they said.

Yeah man, i'd imagine she's a little nerve racked over the whole 'falling for a client' thing. That's allot of education and time she's putting on the line. She may feel strongly that this '3 month' period may calm things down a little and give you some time to become a working man, stable and strong. Kick that habit thing.

And she may already be feeling the heat at work, hence the distance she's placed.

Having some thing like this hanging over both your heads is a tricky thing indeed. I don't know what to say. i'm sorry man.
Hey, I hope what ever happens, you take care of yourself okay? Your full recovery is what you should be focusing on. REgardless of what else happens with you and this lady, the main thing is this: Your getting back to your self, free and clear of substance and must, you absolutely must, hold strong. The withdrawal you surely endured is too torturous to go through again so please, never go back. Only go forward. You took the steps, now your back on your own two feet and this next stage is a trying time for you. May you have as smooth a sailing as you could possibly have. I suggest yoga to help your body. Just stretch. Good for body and mind; the stuff works. Eat healthy foods, none of that crappy stuff. Lots of tea, (*I suggest yerba mate, high in anti oxidant)
and as far as the lady goes, well, again, tricky situation you love birds got yourselves into. You'll see what happens, that's all you can do.

I wish you well regarding such.

[tomcochrane]

I'm a social worker and I wouldn't dream of crossing professional boundaries. It took a 4 year degree and 2 years of specialization to become a social worker - years in which the mantra 'never cross professional boundaries' is chanted at you over and over. But we don't do it not just because we're told not to - it's because we know it to be wrong. Every ounce of communication/activity with a client needs to be recorded; case-note omission is a violation in itself. It doesn't matter that you two are no longer engaged in a worker-client relationship - she can still be accountable if this leaks at any point. Why? Because we don't go screwing with vulnerable peoples heads or emotions...that's the opposite of our job and exactly what's happening here.

She's probably feeling panicked - not because of the texts but because she could have her license revoked and there's probably some guilt and remorse mixed in there too. There could be a slip of the tongue - you could get intoxicated or high and spill your guts to the wrong person...there are 100 scenarios that are probably going through her head, all of which could lead to an embarking professional situation. The fact that she's continuing to toy with you with this 'waiting' game is pretty heartless. She should know better.

Either way - what's done is done and you will need to leave the ball in her court because she's got some things she needs to sort out.

I know its not 'morally' right whatever I say but I suppose it just happened. She always saw me as different, I look healthy etc, have worked most of my life, a lot different to her other clients. So there was mutual physical attraction and then we just got on and the rest is history right or wrong.

She changed her job, now works with disabled people, but know she is still accountable. Though I think after everything with rehab etc, she kinda trusts me on that front now, as I've been pretty good at keeping thst trust. I think yes she will like to see me have moved my life on somewhat if I am still waiting til february.
She doesn't ever think I'll relapse, she believes in that.

Even if things go well when we meet it kind of makes me question whether we can ever have something lasting....

[pcmaster]

Well this 3 month no contact rule suddenly makes sense. Shes your social worker. They tend to run a mile away if their patients show serious interest in them. They have to report this and new worker takes place instead with that patient. You are lucky you got so far. This might be end as well. Unless you stay healthy and don't go on as needy. Then theres might be chance. Basically you don't have to be patient.

[tomcochrane]

Well this 3 month no contact rule suddenly makes sense. Shes your social worker. They tend to run a mile away if their patients show serious interest in them. They have to report this and new worker takes place instead with that patient. You are lucky you got so far. This might be end as well. Unless you stay healthy and don't go on as needy. Then theres might be chance. Basically you don't have to be patient.

Trying to understand your english and can't completely (sorry). I'm not being needy to her i.e. not contacting her apart from when I told her how I feel a few weeks ago, giving her the time she needs. Or rather her giving me the time she 'thinks' I need because she thinks I've still got feelings for an old ex.

She obviously hasn't reported it and has faith in me that I won't as by dating, being intimate and her telling me she loves me it has already gone way way past that point. She trusts me implicitely on her job protection (she still works in social care but for a different company, partly due to me but not completely). It was her liking me as well obviously, she made the ultimate decision to text me when I asked if she wanted to meet up for the first time non proffessionally, not me.

As I've said she says she wants a chance to actually share a life with me, and said that I'm 'perfect' for her, after text incident she wrote me a message saying 'I'll be waiting patiently for you in February'. If it wasn't for that text from ex she read and misinterpreted then I have no doubt we would be meeting up regularly now. It has gone very far past the stage of her worrying about the job (6 months!) and more about the feelings for each other now. Since these feelings became deeper she said she wants 100% devotion to her and no one else, thats her reasoning for the wait, nothing to do with the job anymore. Though she does have that devotion, but I feel helpless to change the way she feels about that. I've been kind of hoping since the heat died down that she would see the light that there is no one else but her. Perhaps stubborness and sticking to her word comes into play here.

It's ten days till her 30th birthday. That's the next time I'll be contacting her by sending a gift and card. I'm thinking of asking her out for a christmas dinner in it....is this a good or bad idea? Also slightly worried about sending the gift, I found her address on google, was easy, has her own company. The thing I am more worried about is that her sister is a social worker and lives with her and would certainly not approve of relations or a gift from a client. I'm quite sure she has told her theres been a man in her life (though she definitely hasn't said its an ex client!) . So I'm a bit scared on whether she will be quizzed about it, (they tell each other everything apart from our situation) at the same time I want it to be a nice surprise so don't want to give her a pre-warning. It contains no clues that I was a client though. Advice on this and the dinner invite??

(@ pcmaster what does 'This might be end as well' and 'Basically you don't have to be patient' ?
Patient as in waiting or client? And end of everything even though she promised another chance? She would have just told me if it was all over instead of making me wait 3 months to tell me that, in fact she did say that the last time I saw her, but decided against it because she said she loves me.

Regardless of her proffession I'm feeling pretty tortured and have a sore heart. It's almost worse than a break up (at least there is closure there) waiting for a woman I love with little to zero contact and think of everyday a complete reversal of speaking to each other each day. I've been refraining from contact though I just want to tell her I miss her and am thinking of her....

[pcmaster]

Cmon man dont be sad. You being pussy again. Live your life for yourself ! WHile you have a chance. I mean right now you have chance to take time for yourself and theres no girl you have to count with.

With patient I mean client. Wasn't sure if I wrote that right.

[tomcochrane]

Cmon man dont be sad. You being pussy again. Live your life for yourself ! WHile you have a chance. I mean right now you have chance to take time for yourself and theres no girl you have to count with.

With patient I mean client. Wasn't sure if I wrote that right.

I know, I know you are right! There's been girls that I've totally broke up with before and just wasn't really that bothered at all because I thought in the end they were not right for me.

Though this is something that only comes along once in a while, a girl who I really like, makes me laugh and feel so comfortable with. So when a rough patch occurs with someone like this it really affects me emotionally, making me miserable and sad, a pussy yes haha. I can't help that I am an emotional person. When I'm with her I am not like this, I'm a man and satisfy her in every way.

This is a place for me to vent my 'pussyness' away from her!
Yeah, when theres been times I've been single its great, but as I'm now involved and we've developed these feelings I admit I'm having a rough old time. Despite trying to occupy myself, it is always there...I wish it wasn't though!

It's only 2 months now, but being a drug addict I have this thing of I want her, and I want her NOW! She is my drug at the moment. Hopefully she'll like the birthday gifts and I'll ask if she wants to meet for dinner pre-christmas, that would at least make my christmas nicer and to know she's not just forgetting me. (Is this an ok idea to invite her out before feb anyone???)

Theres just that picture of her whispering 'I love you' and kissing me before I left her car knowing thar we wouldn't be speaking for 3 months, well, I can't get it out of my head, its kinda like a knife in the heart. Also the fact that her reasons for me thinking I love a 2 year old ex are invalid, just makes me frustrated.

I can't help how I feel. Is easier said than done to block it out and there's only one way I can do that but that led me down a destructive path last time!!

Thanks for the moral boost pcmaster, I will try to be as busy and constructive as possible, even though its xmas and work is out the question till jan at least! I live on the northern border of London, so it's also a quiet area, not much to do!

I'll survive these 2 months one way or another, I'd just rather it was with less pain. Even friendly texting would sort that, but she is being firm and I sent the last one a few weeks back.
Anyway..

[pcmaster]

Well Im not blaming you for being sensitive. A true man shows his emotions and dont shy away from his womanly side. Thats what makes a true man - balance.

You know maybe you even feeling proud that are feeling so much for this girl becasue she might be "worth it". And its not a shame to feel happy or sad for a special girl.
However man thats the ussual mistake - thinking that you will never meet girl good like this and that this is best one that you could ever have.

Maybe you feel so attached to her because you met her in dark times. When your life needed reconstruction and she was like a fuel to your dreams and gave you so much energy to change life for better and sometimes it felt like paradise when you knew shes there. Its endless how much you can remember the past the good and the bad. What helps besides being busy and loving yourself is antidepressants. These things helps exclude negative thinking and sentiment but even when you think about her it still don't ruin your mood because those pills saves you from that.
You know 2,5 years ago I was in your stage of grief(after breaking up with girl that changed my life the most) and now I just wish I would get professional help sooner.
What really can help you now is psychiatrist and psychotherapist.

I mean you are not alone I been where you are now and know how to get out sooner. I can stick with you for a while if that would help you.

[woody]

^^The first sentence of his 4th paragraph brings it on home doesn't it. She knows all about you and while this is a comfort, you must be mindful that your not just replacing one thing with another. You say she is like your new drug? Well don't get too dependent. You two also share natural chemistry which is special in and of itself; focus on that.. Your story is rather romantic really

When you send the gift, perhaps do it through a floral shop, not the post. They will deliver the package with flowers to her and it will be anonymous but she'll know who it's from. Safer that way. And of course, no name, all that.

Her text to you was warm. I think asking her out for a holiday drink/dinner of sorts is a great idea. Woo her.

You just need to be careful once you are back together. Get your stories straight on how you met. Might have to tell a few light lies to protect her career. The heart wants what the heart wants. Makes me wonder if her sister already knows your an ex client.
anyway, sounds like your back on track.
and PC.M has allot of good insight as well so, your all good.