Query about a mans outings with my wife

[querycat]

My wife and I are both around 30 years of age. We have lived and been together as a couple for about 7 years. Our relationship has always been very strong and we have a baby together who is now 11 months old. He’s adorable

My wife recently started a job that was only due to last 6 months. Towards the end of her employment a work colleague of my wife (we will call him Mike) has started to take quite a lot of notice of her. They have started spending considerable amounts of time together and gone on several outings. During these outings they enjoy each other’s company over a wine or pizza. Mike also has a 2-year-old baby girl as he broke up from his ex. My wife takes our baby with her during some outings (not all of them) so the two little ones can play together.

As both my wife and Mike become closer friends, Mike has revealed that he “really likes her a lot” – he has become very open towards her and he has even confessed to masturbating in the toilets at their work place whilst thinking about my wife. My wife takes it humorously.

During their outings, Mike has also informed my wife that he has told his mother about my wife, he is introducing her to what he calls his “inner circle of close friends” etc. They speak a lot on Facebook and he has even checked out my profile and asks my wife various questions about me such as “is he bigger than me”!!

I’ve gently expressed to my wife that it sounds like Mike is after her. I’ve also said that I feel that he is treating her like his friend in order to become steadily closer to her over a period of time, to grow her confidence in him and to slowly become very close where they tell each other the most intimate of secrets etc.

Now, please bear in mind that I am not a jealous person - far from it. I’ve told my wife that “I do not mind you seeing him”, but I have also told her my honest opinion based on the feedback that I receive.

I do believe that both men and women can be friends. But I believe that Mike does not have sincere intentions due to what he tells my wife regarding his passion for her and the masturbating etc.

However, I am told that Mike insists that he is not looking for a relationship right now. 1.) Is because he is living with his parents and does not have a lot of money and 2.) The reason that he does not have a lot of money is because he accidently killed someone in his car by accidently running them over one night (whilst drinking 3 pints of beer on his way home from the nightclub capital of the country in which we live in). Mike was 19 at the time and now 32 years of age. He has had to pay the family compensation of 25,000 for the atrocity. Due to local laws, this tells me that he was either driving with no insurance or he was a lot more drunk than indicated and through a court order he has been made to pay the compensation.

Although Mike apparently seems like a nice sincere person to my wife (I’ve never met him), I tend to believe she is being “played”.
The main reason that I am writing this forum post is as follows:-

Since their outings, my wife has come home and several hours later become suddenly depressed for no apparent reason, which has led to various arguments that have been mainly instigated from her depression. The arguments have not been about Mike. The arguments have mainly been about our lifestyle (due to saving so hard) and we are living temporarily with my parents before moving out).

My wife and I are saving our money very hard, hoping to save for a good future for both our baby boy and ourselves. We do make sacrifices like every normal couple does. We do go out and spend quality time together, but not as much as we used to due to saving and working for our future etc. - which is naturally more difficult during economic times such as these. We have also had to suffer a little more than most people. I’m an EU citizen and my wife is a third country EU national who had no residence paperwork when I met her for the country that she immigrated to – she was stuck here and became stateless in law. I spent years and a lot of money getting her legal in the country. She was illegal due to her mother abandoning her and leaving her with no paperwork at a young age. It took me 5 years to get her paperwork finished, so we have struggled much more than average so our lifestyle has been difficult to avoid.

I’ve explained to my wife that I think she is becoming depressed at home because Mike is trying very hard to show her a good time and when she gets back home, it is almost as if she has to return to the reality of life. Even I have been depressed at times when I have had some fun with some friends to return home to my regular life, although I remain strong for my family so we keep pushing forward to a better future.

Now I would like to ask all of you what are your thoughts about this? Do you think it is right that Mike acts this way to my wife and expresses his feelings towards her etc?

[dontaskme]

Why do you even try to put this on Mike? If there's anyone who bears the responsibility of fidelity and being appropriate here is your wife and your wife alone. She's the married person. Mike is just Mike being a typical guy who's a douchebag! Your wife on the other hand is being a cunt who seems to forget that she's got a husband and an infant that she needs to go home to after work instead of hanging out with a slime. If you ask me, they are birds of the same feather!

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And for as long as your wife is enabling Mike to behave like a douche, he won't stop so you have to call your wife on her inappropriate behavior.

[woody]

"NO". It is not right. Little Mikey needs to learn allot about boundaries, common courtesies and respect. Most men would never covet another man's wife. He sounds like bad news to me.
and your lady needs to draw the line too.
You and your wife have endured allot. Lots of sacrifice, pinching pennies, mountains of paperwork, living with the parents out of necessity. You also have a beautiful baby (congrats by the way). This man is giving her some form of attention that she feels she needs for why else would she accept his so called friendship.
I admire your stance on male and female friendships yet once he started telling her about the masturbation and the thoughts of her, well, personally, if my 'friend' told me that, I'd be running for the closest door.

I think you need to meet this guy. He needs to see the face behind the man, her man, you. Let him know. Sure, be your confident kind self but yes, you must invite this guy over. Or, all of you go out together. Make it a play date or something but he needs to know, your there. If he's a little shady, he may assume that because your perfectly alright with him spending so much time with your wife, that you don't care. But you do. So arrange to meet him. One big happy outing. ha! and don't let him get under your skin. Be proud, strong, kind, confident and smile. But feel free when the moment strikes right to say, "So, you like to masturbate while thinking of my wife hey?" Try not to punch him though this will not be easy to do considering he deserves a shot in the head.

Hey, If he's not a threat, he'll have no problem meeting his new friends husband; if he is a threat, he'll consider the invite a message sent loud and clear. Which is F__ off. graciously.

Another thing is this. Being a new Mother has allot of challenges for a woman. She may not feel as attractive as she once did; she may need that boost of attentions received and he's playing right into it.

Meet the man. Let 'mikey' know just who and what you are. You have to meet him. Put that power back in your hands and protect your Family.

[dontaskme]

Mike is not married and as a guy who's single, he'll play the field whether it's leveled or not. The wife on the other hand is STILL VERY MUCH MARRIED WITH A CHILD and yet she's behaving like a single person and she is enabling him to behave the way he does by not putting a stop into his advances. In my book, she wants the attention and personally, she's enjoying it! Which.... BTW should put a question on the table why she's behaving that way! She's totally inappropriate and disrespectful to you.

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If I was married and someone had told me that he was masturbating in the bathroom while thinking of me, I would tell the guy to fukc off!!!! And make sure that I would never be in the same space with the jerk!

Your wife on the other hand seem to enjoy the fact that his friend is masturbating while thinking of her. Worst, she hangs out with him with your baby! Oh... What a fukcing cunt!!!

[Wakeup]

I do believe that both men and women can be friends

Then you are the master of your own marital decline. Your wife is having an emotional affair (if not more) and you're a tad naïve and foolhearty to blame this guy for not having innocent intentions when your wife is just as disrespectful and inappropriate to you and your relationship.

Talk to your wife and quit blaming the work dude for what you wife allows, is involved in, and is sad and depressed when she's not with him. If they're not schtuuping one another then they soon will be.

Neither of you should be having one-on-one date like activities with your opposite sex friends EVEN IF you believe that there is nothing wrong with having them.

TBH: You're being treated like a fool and your wife is willingly going along with that treatment of you.

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Now I would like to ask all of you what are your thoughts about this? Do you think it is right that Mike acts this way to my wife and expresses his feelings towards her etc?

Let me ask you this: Do YOU think your wife's behaviour is appropriate and respectful of you and your relationship? Do you think that as a married woman with your child that she should continue to be so enthralled with a man like him? A man that asks her "Is he bigger then me" which totally implies that she's seen he penis already? Do you think your wife is a respectful wife to allow that behaviour?

She is having an emotional affair with him and the longer this goes on, the bigger the emotional gap she forms between you and her. She's the culprit here, he's just doing his player thing and she's falling for it hook line and sinker.

Sad for you!

[CrasherRob8]

I'm surprised no one has picked up on Mike's question "Is he bigger than me." Umm first off friends do not ask female friends that question. Second how would you wife know how big Mike is? When I read this I automatically thought your wife has slept with Mike. Friends don't ask that out of the blue and randomly without knowledge of how the woman is going to react.

TBH sounds like your wife is sleeping with him. If not, Mike is clearly trying to get at your wife and it seems like your wife is returning the favor

[woody]

Now now, how about the benefit of the doubt? Sure, the wife is not respecting her man's honor by continuing this so called friendship with Mikey BUT do you really think she's slept with him too? Sure, he asked who's bigger but he may have told her (not shown her) how many inches he is (totally inappropriate mind you, major red flag right there) but what if this lady is NOT sleeping with Mike yet has some strange need to be adored that she feels she's not getting from her husband? and though she's going about it the wrong way, she hasn't actually slept with the man. IDK.

Maybe she's a good person who's blind to see this guy's overstepping, blind to see that her actions are hurtful towards her own Family and don't bode well. The O.P sounds like a nice guy, well spoken, genuine concerns, new Dad, juggling everything. Perhaps somewhere along the line, the wife began to feel neglected in some way and this MIke guy is her way of filling some void.
It's easy for us all to say, she's in the wrong here as is this Mike guy. Let's just hope she gets a grip and does right by her husband and that would be to stop all forms of communication with lil mikey..

and if I could offer some advice to the hubby, this is YOUR Family. Spice up the love somehow. and if you've spoken to her about how you feel about the guy yet she continues to carry on with him, well then, that changes things doesn't it.

I still feel strongly that you need to put a face to the man, meaning, you. Meet the guy. You'll find out more then. How they are when around you; their body language, glances, all of it. This will help you figure out what to do next.

Main thing? Your a Father. Very cool. Now if only your wife would figure out her behavior is bordering on cruel, deceptive and thoughtless. Here's hoping she smartens up and if she can't, here's hoping you find the strength to do right by yourself and your child
I hope it all works out for you and yours.

[dontaskme]

^^^ Yes, wakeup did. Im surprised the OP doesn't get the fact that the wife is not that innocent and indeed plays a major part in this circus.

[Wakeup]

Woody... I said it "implies" that she "may" have already seen his penis. I didn't say that she actually had. It would be a question I'd want clarified by her if I was him.

IMO: He doesn't need to meet this douche, he needs to talk to his wife about severing her relationship with him and if she won't then it means she values Mr. Douche more then she does her husband and her marriage.

How lovely (NOT) for our Op it will be if he meets this guy, becomes friends with him too and his wife and his "new friend" advance their emotional affair to something physical (if they haven't already).

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I'm surprised no one has picked up on Mike's question "Is he bigger than me."

and I'm surprised you failed to read all the posts because I mentioned that very thing.

[querycat]

Hi all. Thank you for your feedback - I greatly appreciate it and I do have a better idea of how we shouldhandle the matter at hand.

Just to update you: I have spoken further to my wife about this, told her how I feel, but she still seems to think that there is nothing wrong with him talking to her about his most intimate secrets, masturbating and so on. The latest from Mike I am told is that "if only I'd met you a little earlier in my life" and various other complements. They have been speaking on Facebook and SMS'ing each other at various times of the day. I happened to enter the room yesterday and saw them chatting on Facebook. I noticed that he asked my wife is she is alone before continuing to chat with her. I picked my wife up from work last night, he sent an SMS and I kindly asked her to read it to me. It said "are you alone as I need to speak to you".

We got home and my wife called him. I didn't listen in on the conversation but later asked why he needed to speak to her alone so urgently. She replied by saying "I don't know, he didn't say anything of relevance, just spoke about his day at work etc".

I don't believe that my wife has cheated yet, however, I've told my wife that I have a feeling that Mike thinks that I'm reading her text messages (which I'm not) and he wants to try and infuriate me by saying things like "are you alone" to try and get me to believe that something is going off between them in order to get us to argue at home. By causing trouble for us at home, he is further accomplishing what he has set out to do in my opinion.

In regards to me giving my wife attention. She is very, very needy, she needs a lot of attention and I do give her a lot more attention than the average guy ever would. However, I will be honest - and I have told her this, sometimes it does get annoying, I rarely get my own space when I need it - we all like our alone time occasionally, especially with the stress of my work to push us further forward, made worse by being the main breadwinner as my wife does not earn a very good salary being an immigrant. I believe her neediness stems from having grown up without her father. We also live in a country with a very hot climate. In the summer months, I have explained to my wife that due to the excessive heat, it is hard to keep up with the neediness as no one is in the mood but every year the same cycle repeats itself. As summer passes, my wife enjoys getting more attention...

Thanks for the feedback - appreciate it.

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Another quick thing that I forgot.

My wife has justified some of her actions by saying that "he is always taking me to public places too, it's not like we are hiding". I told her that personally I believe that there is such thing as "hiding out in the open"... A phrase we are all too familiar with.

[Wakeup]

Well, at least his attentions gives you a break from her insecurity, lack of self worth, clinginess and before you know it, she'll be making excuses to excuse herself from your company so she can get what her psychological illness makes her "need" to feel whole.

Your wife IS cheating on you emotionally. *looks in crystal ball* Its only a matter of time before she falls into his cooing arms. Needy, insecure women are so easily persuaded by their needs.

I hope I'm wrong about your situation but I'm feeling sad for you right now.

[dontaskme]

I'm sorry but you are naive if you think that your wife hasn't cheated on you yet. It's very overt based on your last post that those two scumbags are hiding something from you.

You need to open your eyes. Your wife is shitting on your head. Sorry for being blunt but sometimes people need to be straightforward here and not give you what you'd hope to hear. It's the only way you can see things from the outside.

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You seem to be in denial about your wife's relationship with Mike. I guess you love your wife too much to really see the situation for what it really is. There is nothing wrong in loving someone too much, I just don't see the outcome of any of this being good for you or your baby.

[michelle23]

You are being incredibly naive. Your wife is as much to blame here as mike. Shes enjoying the attention, shes becoming close to him emotionally and there is no doubt she has feelings for him. This is a typical emotional affair and she is in denial, pretending to herself and to you that she is doing nothing wrong.

There has to be boundaries with opposite sex friends. Shes crossing many lines here and disrespecting your marriage. The rules are:

1 no date like activities (dinner, drinks, lunch, coffee alone together)
2 no spending time alone together at his/her house
3 no flirting or sexual innuendos
4 no texting back and forth. One text occasionally is fine.. when it becomes regular-its borderline affair
5 no private, long, intimate phonecalls
6 same goes for social media
7 no confiding/complaining to the opposite sex about issues in your marriage
8 no leaning for emotional support
9 no affection-cuddling, hugging, touching..

Theres probably more but these should be common sense. Your wife is doing most of that list and your marriage is in serious danger.

Its time to take action. If i were you, i would tell her straight that she is having an emotional affair and if she doesn't cut all contact with him and come for marriage counselling with you then you are leaving as you will not just sit back and do nothing while she falls in love with someone else.

You need to mean it. Have a bag packed and ready to go because its highly likely she will get defensive, call you crazy and say its all in your head. This is just another sign of her guilt and her way of trying to deflect the focus off of her and onto you. Its a manipulative tactic people pull when they don't want to give up their emotional affair partner. She will feel like a caged lion so will go on the defensive. Its normal

You need to stand your ground, stay firm, tell her very calmly "i love you, our family and our life but i will not be made a fool of. Until you are ready to put our marriage first, then i will be at my parents" and leave.. you could also say "ill pick up baby tomorrow evening and drop him/her back to you"..

Its the only way to go. Its you or him. She cannot have both and she needs to know you are serious about this or she will carry this on until she does end up in bed with him which WILL happen if this continues.

Good luck. Stop seeing her as an innocent victim. An affair is 50/50 and this is the beginning. Put a stop to it now before it ruins everything

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I'm sorry but you are naive if you think that your wife hasn't cheated on you yet. It's very overt based on your last post that those two scumbags are hiding something from you.

You need to open your eyes. Your wife is shitting on your head. Sorry for being blunt but sometimes people need to be straightforward here and not give you what you'd hope to hear. It's the only way you can see things from the outside.

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You seem to be in denial about your wife's relationship with Mike. I guess you love your wife too much to really see the situation for what it really is. There is nothing wrong in loving someone too much, I just don't see the outcome of any of this being good for you or your baby.

She may not have physically cheated yet. You don't know that. Shes having an emotional affair.

[dontaskme]

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She may not have physically cheated yet. You don't know that. Shes having an emotional affair.

Yeah right! The writings are on the wall just in case you can't read! Read the OP's every posts... Mike wants to know from the wife if his penis is bigger her husband? Masturbating thinking of her? Wants to talk to the wife privately? Outings without the husband?

Give me a fukcing break!

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She's already guilty beyond reasonable doubt. You don't need to catch those two scumbags doing the actual sexual act to conclude that they are in a relationship!

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I don't think the OP wants to even know how his wifey is responding to all the sexual references made by Mike. I'm sure it is reciprocated likewise, otherwise, Mike wouldn't continue with his sexual innuendos.