My girl thinks I am not over an old ex, and that my commitment is not 100% to her

[tomcochrane]

yeah, it was a sore spot alright;took awhile.

Send her another one. It's been 2 hours since you sent out the last one but i'm guessing some time before that where there was no contact right? No harm in sending another. But no more than 2 in a day. It's a fine line but at least your putting it out there for her to mull over; might take some time. Maybe even a night so hunker on down and get prepped to wait. I imagine she's going to test you (in a matter of speaking), see how 'real and true' you are.
I imagine if she was able to read what you've written here, how your seeking advice and what your saying, it'd give her enough info to know, your really truly sorry and you realize how your actions hurt yet also she'll realize you had no agenda for reconciliation with the ex.
I'm just saying if she read what we've read, she'd get it.

I know!! Thats exactly how I think! If she could see all of this she'd know how I'm truly feeling. Though she might be able to pick something out of this?! I am under the impression that she is thinking....he's just trying to butter me up. And that I am breaking her 'February' rule and disrespecting her feelings. Again, I'm being dangerous by assuming what shes feeling.

I should leave it till at least 8pm to give her a chance to get home and sort herself out but REALLY? Send another? Doesn't that scream desperacy? And what would I possibly say?!
Thanks!

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What I'd love to do is arrange a meet...I feel I could do better in person. She just reads words as words and nothing more (so she tells me) but it has to be on her terms, I couldn't just ask...that wouldn't work...I was thinking of something like 'if your feeling like me, I'm free this weekend, just sayin' '
Hmmmmm...
Just dont know what to send in a 2nd text! Whatever I say She could go mental that ive broken her no contact rule!
I can't believe I feel like this, I didn't think I'd feel this sad....I really do care for her a lot and fell for her. I'd never have asked advice on the internet over someone before....

[tomcochrane]

What about this:

If rehab taught me anything its about how to express my true feelings - Words are words but these are words from my heart. I feel in touch with my emotions and can't get you out of my head, you mean so much to me.. I've performed an action, which is to cut contact with ex. I thought of you every day in rehab, its hard doing it all over again. I'd like to prove my actions more, but feel I can only do that in person. I'm here, admitting I was wrong, missing you lots, it's your choice if you want to meet, I'm free this weekend.




Is this a dangerous message to send??
Should the second one be simple. Not so blatant that I want to see her?



Or this one? Sorry for so many q's!

got to be a man, face up to my mistakes and express my true feelings. Words are words, but these are from my heart. You are always in my mind sweetheart, whatever I do I think of you, theres only one girl dear to me, I reminicse on all we do, I empathise that you probably need to think of what to do...But I'm here to prove to you with every action, gesture, affection that I have within me because I miss you, and us, so much. Its so special to me x

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Well, I sent this...i pressed the send button by mistake!!

I've got to be a man, face up to my mistakes and express my true feelings. Words are words, but these are from my heart. You are always on my mind, whatever I do I think of you, theres only * space in my heart so dear to me, I reminisce on all we do, I empathise that you probably need to think of what to do...But I'm here to prove to you with every action, gesture, affection that I have within me because I miss you, and us, so much. Its so special to me x

*And theres a typo as you can see
* should have said 'one' but its done now and I'm sure she knows what i mean....

Is that ok? Doubt she will reply. Maybe shes hoping I will get bored.

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Now I have told her my innermost feelings and given her nothing to reply to.
Now I'm worried that...

- Its come across as desperate
- That I will be wondering what she is thinking for possibly ages if she doesn't reply to me at all. She knows all about me, yet I know nothing of how she feels.

I'm wondering whether I've made a mistake. I suppose all I can do is sit and wait?? Any other options I have available?
I hope she contacts in a day or two and doesn't outright ignore my feelings...

[tomcochrane]

So I sent a 3rd text...don't know if it was right but thats me done now, I wrote:

Don't worry, I won't be bombarding you with texts (not my style). My heart had an overwhelming urge to tell you how I honestly feel. I just can't bottle it up anymore. But now I've done that and now you know my feelings. I'm here for you in phone or physical form, you know where to find me-when you are ready :-) You can trust me with your heart, I promise my dear. Goodnight womble, I'll be dreaming of you tonight :-* x

(P.s. womble is a nickname hehe)

Thats where I'm leaving it. I don't know whether what I've done is right, how she will see it or what the consequences will be. I know theres nothing else I can do and you are probably sick of replying to me woody!
Just one more thing...have I done the right thing? Or more importantly have I damaged anything at all?

Ughh..spoke to my father about this..apparently I've f**$(d all this up and shouldnt have gone running....feeling ive made a mistake....

No replies to any by the way.

[pcmaster]

I think you did right by contacting her. Now she knows that you still think about her. You went halfway to bridge and now its up to her if she want to make other half from her side. For now on stop contacting her. Let her be first to contact you. But dont put all hopes on it. Use my break up guides and learn to be okay on your own in case she dont come back.

[tomcochrane]

yeah, it was a sore spot alright;took awhile.

Send her another one. It's been 2 hours since you sent out the last one but i'm guessing some time before that where there was no contact right? No harm in sending another. But no more than 2 in a day. It's a fine line but at least your putting it out there for her to mull over; might take some time. Maybe even a night so hunker on down and get prepped to wait. I imagine she's going to test you (in a matter of speaking), see how 'real and true' you are.
I imagine if she was able to read what you've written here, how your seeking advice and what your saying, it'd give her enough info to know, your really truly sorry and you realize how your actions hurt yet also she'll realize you had no agenda for reconciliation with the ex.
I'm just saying if she read what we've read, she'd get it.

So any advice on my latest posts? Bit hectic i know. Have I gone overboard with those 3 texts? Thats whats worrying me. Also I've laid my own heart on the line too..she knows exactly how i feel and is maybe happy she has that knowledge whilst I know nothing about her....no news is good news?

[woody]

Yes, good. All of them. Straight from the heart, bold, real, naked truths there and she will get it.
She laid her heart on the line and so have you. everything right about that.

Give her time. You won't have a choice on that. ONe thing you didn't say though that seems to be a pressing matter for her is this. rEAdy? This: 'I am not in love with my ex girlfriend' and this: 'If you walk away from me because of this silly mistake I made, I will never forgive myself and always wonder what we could have been because my love, we have a chance at something unique and special here, and I'd be lost if I lost you; please give me another chance, please.'

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I'm going to follow up with this because I sense your on the edge of your seat waiting in anticipation.

Know this. If you hadn't put it all out there as you now have done, you would always be wondering what could have been if you had.
Knowing you've done all you can do to remedy this situation will lend closure. I really hope she gives you another chance. If she makes you wait, hey, what's a week when your talking about a possible lifetime together. Many women will make their men wait to see what their made of, to see if they'll turn the page so quickly. So prove her wrong. She's hurting too man. I bet she wants to call you up right now but can't bring herself to do so. She will re read all of your words over and over again, sleep on it and maybe do the same thing the next day.

What you did, what you sent was the right thing to do. Now the ball is in her court. You must be patient and refrain from sending out more because you've already said most of what needed to be said except what I mentioned above.

everything will be alright. Offer space and rest in the fact that what will be will be.

[tomcochrane]

Yes, good. All of them. Straight from the heart, bold, real, naked truths there and she will get it.
She laid her heart on the line and so have you. everything right about that.

Give her time. You won't have a choice on that. ONe thing you didn't say though that seems to be a pressing matter for her is this. rEAdy? This: 'I am not in love with my ex girlfriend' and this: 'If you walk away from me because of this silly mistake I made, I will never forgive myself and always wonder what we could have been because my love, we have a chance at something unique and special here, and I'd be lost if I lost you; please give me another chance, please.'

Well, I did say you are the only one for me...she should get it by that right?
I feel if I say 'I am not in love with the ex anymore' she simply wouldn't believe it. She's firm in her beliefs and I've told her a millllllion times that statement. She trusts me on a lot of things, but not my emotions.

She never said I've lost her. What her own words were are: 'I'm giving you a second chance and I'll be waiting patiently for you in February' (when you are over her!? Which we all know I am)
All the advice is good, and I've used it, but I think that perhaps that last bit you wrote may sound a little bit like begging?

I shouldn't send anymore texts now at all. 24 hours no reply, not expecting one either. Her birthday comes up in a couple of weeks so regardless whether she replies or not I'll make her a video and sing her happy birthday, (she loves stuff like that especially if I'm acting silly) and in that after I'll slip in a few words about missing her and that I'm not in love with the ex, only she is in my heart.

Do you think that sounds like a plan:
No contact till birthday (unless she contacts me).
No news from her is good news?
I highly doubt she'll text me back...shes probably teaching me a lesson.
Thanks!

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Know this. If you hadn't put it all out there as you now have done, you would always be wondering what could have been if you had.
Knowing you've done all you can do to remedy this situation will lend closure. I really hope she gives you another chance. If she makes you wait, hey, what's a week when your talking about a possible lifetime together. Many women will make their men wait to see what their made of, to see if they'll turn the page so quickly. So prove her wrong. She's hurting too man. I bet she wants to call you up right now but can't bring herself to do so. She will re read all of your words over and over again, sleep on it and maybe do the same thing the next day.

What you did, what you sent was the right thing to do. Now the ball is in her court. You must be patient and refrain from sending out more because you've already said most of what needed to be said except what I mentioned above.

everything will be alright. Offer space and rest in the fact that what will be will be.

(Saw update. I do have another chance, she told me so and shes bloody good at sticking to her word but not till February! I suppose the aim of this whole thing is to be with her sooner than that or at least establish some contact. If only it was just a week! No problem! Its been almost 3 now)

I really hope she is reading over and over. She does like to mull things over. The video poem i sent her a week or so ago she told me she will watch every week to make her happy. That was 9 days ago. I hope she's still feeling the same...I'll never know. Perhaps not till february....and yes she was talking of settling...theres a good reason for february...her sister and sisters boyfriend move out of her house. She wants to trial us living together half the week. That slipped out her mouth once, i think she regretted saying it so early, she always says her true feelings when she is safe and comfortable with me, and then says 'I was silly for saying I love to be so close to you' (for instance) shes one tough woman, with a soft underbelly, a warm heart, and believes people should stick to their words....
I could be in for a tough ride!

She even slipped out rather flippantly february 28th rather quickly...thats bloody march! Hope if it is unfortunately going to be till feb it means early feb, not march. I'd want to romance her on valentines day if I am in for this long ride. About the waiting, as I've said, I waited 3 months in rehab, she kept saying 'oh youll prob sleep with some girl in there!' I didn't proved myself, now got to do it all over again...another 3 months..painful!

One thing that got me, about a month back she said to me: 'maybe we shouldn't get in any deeper, you'll probably get over me in a few weeks but it'll take me two years probably!'. Her exact words. Well, why can't she apply that thinking that its been 18 months since I saw my ex, 12 months before we decided it was over etc?

Once a little while back when things were not quite so deep (but were getting that way) she knew I was in contact with ex I kept saying 'No, I'm over her, thats it we are done! Just friends' It was myself and my problems that stopped reconcilliation with the ex so she said 'now you are feeling better why not try and re-conciliate?'. After saying so many MANY times ITS OVER I HAVE MOVED ON and her not believing me I said 'well maybe' just to stop her talking! Then she did stop talking, things got deeper with me and my present girl we fell in love and that was forgotten, I told her in as many words that I said that because we were enjoying a lovely holiday together and I wanted to put a stop to that discussion, and it did. So she saw that as lying to her, but that has all been forgotten since we have become closer and closer. I explained why I said that and she kind of accepted it. It was when she read the innocent message that she became jealous because things had developed significantly between us in loving terms. Though, I shouldn't be naive and think all these things don't contribute because maybe they do.

Though, I firmly believe it was the 'might be nice to see you' that put the nail in the coffin. Shows how much she guards her heart though, in the past theres been times when she has said 'you can sleep with someone else, thats fine, we just won't speak again' of course she never wanted that, it was her insecurities shining through that no one could ever fancy her. Proves the point now when she tells me she loves me and gets upset about a text, though innocent, was misinterpreted.

She couldn't help but fall for me in the end. She worried about meeting more and more because she was developing feelings she had never had before. Now she is at that point its time to prove with all I can that I won't hurt her and I am here for her. Though, I've done all I can do with your advice at the moment woody.

As you said girls like men to wait, so if it is a case of waiting til February, I'll be getting in her car and saying... 'look where I am sitting...with you, because I want to be with you and love everything we do together'.

She just needs 100% trust and re assurance constantly I believe. Which is why I may have to play this waiting game. I think the only chance I have of a response before then is when I send her the birthday video...possibly.
Enough jabbering from me hehe.
Thanks x

[tomcochrane]

I think you did right by contacting her. Now she knows that you still think about her. You went halfway to bridge and now its up to her if she want to make other half from her side. For now on stop contacting her. Let her be first to contact you. But dont put all hopes on it. Use my break up guides and learn to be okay on your own in case she dont come back.

Shes already said I have a second chance, in plain english..just not till Feb. She is a woman who sticks by her word, she wants to prove my 100% devotion to her thats all. Even though she has it already. Even if that was not the case, I'm ok on my own, have done it before.

[woody]

Yes, your in the clear. Congrats; dodged a little bullet there. From all you have said, you'll be back in each others arms in no time. Weeks will pass quickly, she'll see your serious about her and all will be well in your World once again.
good on you and I wish you and yours lots of love

[tomcochrane]

Yes, your in the clear. Congrats; dodged a little bullet there. From all you have said, you'll be back in each others arms in no time. Weeks will pass quickly, she'll see your serious about her and all will be well in your World once again.
good on you and I wish you and yours lots of love

Hehe...what little bullet? Bit slow today!
Well, I bloody hope its weeks, but I'm prepared for the longer slog til feb if so...no replies still, no news is good news perhaps.
We'll see what happens when I send her the birthday vid in 2 weeks. Past there is a mystery...
Thanks SOOOOO much!

[tomcochrane]

Yes, your in the clear. Congrats; dodged a little bullet there. From all you have said, you'll be back in each others arms in no time. Weeks will pass quickly, she'll see your serious about her and all will be well in your World once again.
good on you and I wish you and yours lots of love

Gosh I've had it rough today. Been buying her birthday gifts today, think she will love them. Her birthday is Dec 10 so still around 3 weeks to go. So she's a saggitarius, I've bought her an engraved vintage style trinket box as well as a few bits of jewellery, matching turquoise to go in it - then I find out after the saggitarius stone colour is turquiose...intuition or coincidence?! Besides the point though, and don't know how I feel about star signs etc because I've been having extreme urges to speak to her/see her. Damn I miss her. All I can think of is walking out her car back home just after she told me she loved me for the first time and knowing I can't have any contact. Its all so sad and pretty mad. 'I love you, but bye for a few months!'. The last phone call we did have two weeks ago she said she missed me, and I sent my heartfelt messages 3 days and now she doesn't reply.

I Feel like I am being ignored or that she doesn't care or has even just forgotten me. Why do people that care or are supposed to care about each other do this to each other? Life sucks like that. I just want to tell her I'm thinking of her and to hear the same back. but haven't done, refraining and feeling real real down!

[michelle23]

Exes have no place in your life. I don't blame your gf for feeling insecure and being upset about this. If you love her and want it to work than why wont you cut off the ex? Your new gf should be more of a priority and her feelings more important. I would have dumped you ages ago

I agree with her that you shouldn't stay friends with an ex. Just look at all the upset it has caused her and you.. it should be obvious to you now that its better to leave the past in the past and focus on what you have. Relationships are about compromise, sacrifice, taking her feelings into consideration and not doing anything that you know hurts her or makes her doubt your sincerity. Its give and take and it requires a certain level of emotional intelligence to make long term relationships work. Its not just about you anymore. Try to see things through her eyes. Im sure you wouldn't like it if she was still in contact with someone she has history with. Its kinda common sense. It shouldn't need to be spelled out for people

[TablesandChairs]

He cut contact with his ex very soon after and has given her 100's of reassurances since. Here's how I see it; when a partner makes a mistake - especially one that was fairly innocent (he didn't cheat, he didn't anything - he just remained in contact with an ex who lives a fair distance away and from my understanding, the contact was not inappropriate) then provided they address the source of the issue and correct it - then the expectation is forgiveness. Not 'I might forgive you in 3 months pending how much you beg in the interim'. We all make mistakes - but how much 'punishment' is too much? You have done everything possible to reassure her that you are devoted to her and any contact with the ex was politeness and friendship - which is now done and dusted as per her request. That's enough for God's sake.

[dontaskme]

She's 30 years old for crying out loud but she's acting like a 15 year old! 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, what difference does it make? It's either she trusts you now and forgives you or never.

Pride is one of the biggest downfall of a relationship. Your girlfriend should get over her head and you need to stop enabling her childish behavior by catering to her unfounded jealousy! FFS!

And yes, exes CAN be friends as long as they don't cross any relationship boundaries.

[tomcochrane]

Exes have no place in your life. I don't blame your gf for feeling insecure and being upset about this. If you love her and want it to work than why wont you cut off the ex? Your new gf should be more of a priority and her feelings more important. I would have dumped you ages ago

I agree with her that you shouldn't stay friends with an ex. Just look at all the upset it has caused her and you.. it should be obvious to you now that its better to leave the past in the past and focus on what you have. Relationships are about compromise, sacrifice, taking her feelings into consideration and not doing anything that you know hurts her or makes her doubt your sincerity. Its give and take and it requires a certain level of emotional intelligence to make long term relationships work. Its not just about you anymore. Try to see things through her eyes. Im sure you wouldn't like it if she was still in contact with someone she has history with. Its kinda common sense. It shouldn't need to be spelled out for people

Thanks, tablesandchairs yes thats right all those things have been done, contact cut, re-assurance that I only care for my current girl, recognition that I made a mistake of having innocent contact with an ex and apologised. Told to wait 3 months, she called a week later saying she missed me, Then I texted her my true feelings 4 days ago with no reply and now just feel like I've been strung out...

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She's 30 years old for crying out loud but she's acting like a 15 year old! 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, what difference does it make? It's either she trusts you now and forgives you or never.

Pride is one of the biggest downfall of a relationship. Your girlfriend should get over her head and you need to stop enabling her childish behavior by catering to her unfounded jealousy! FFS!

And yes, exes CAN be friends as long as they don't cross any relationship boundaries.

Yeah she just can't believe me when I say I am over the ex whom is 18months since i saw. She thinks I need this 3 months, but what can I do now...theres nothing really. Have done what I can till her birthday Dec 10th. If only I could say trust me now and meet me tomorrow! In her card I'll tell her that its draining and I'm over her etc...try to get the message accross then. Though nothing can really be done unless she contacts me before. Frustrated and upset.