My girl thinks I am not over an old ex, and that my commitment is not 100% to her

[tomcochrane]

Me and my girl have been getting on great. We started dating a month or so before I had to enter rehab (she is a great influence on me) but I had actually known her for three months at that point. She was there for me after 3 months in rehab, things kicked off just as they were and continued to go better. She literally knows EVERYTHING about me due to me allowing her to read my life story which I wrote for rehab. Starting to wonder whether this was such a good idea after all! She knows of an ex that meant a lot to me in the past, though I haven't seen her for 18 months, we were still 'together' 10 months ago. She's Colombian and we were trying for UK visa, but things went wrong for me and we ended things in Dec 2013. I AM over her now, she is also engaged to someone. I'm happy for her and we chat on FB as friends.

My current girl kept asking If I was over her, and I totally am but no matter what I said she wouldn't believe I only want her. She doesnt believe exs can still be friends just because she doesnt speak to her ones. She stopped asking eventually and things were going GREAT she was falling for me, same here. Everything lovely. Then one day she read my phone saw a fb message to the ex. It was just a normal friendly message, but she see's it as me still having feelings for her and making plans even. The ex rents out apartments in mexico and mentioned me visiting. I said would be nice to see her, maybe one day. But I was just being polite, it wasn't even a thought I'd do it and even if so, as friends. My girl did NOT see it this way, in heat of moment she said your making plans with her, prioritising her feelings over mine etc...drove me home then said its over. She was so angry. Eventually we got to a compromise. That she will wait patiently until February
(Another 3 months from now) to get my ex 'Out my
system' (though she already is) as she wants 100% attention commitment on her which she already has, I adore her, that includes ZERO contact. not the best outcome for me, i was thinking of her every day in rehab for 3 months and now I've got to go through this painful situation again. Then after the argument just before I left the car a very sad man, she gave me an intimate kiss and told me she loved me, for the first time... A big big thing for her, she claims to never have loved anyone in her life at 30 years old. Also told me I was perfect for her, she had never met anyone that makes her feel like me and I was different and everything she wants in a partner, someone who she feels she could settle with. i told her I felt the same and she was the only girl I wanted. I felt Frustrated, upset, powerless and helpless that nothing I could say or do can convince her that im over my ex, (who lives in mexico and I havent seen for 18 months and is engaged just
to re iterate!)

I left it a week then decided to text telling her she is the only one and that I am missing her. this didnt help and served to make her even more angry, she said she couldnt believe i was making plans all along, with someone else, and that I was prioritising my ex over her, even said i had emotionallly cheated on her! Its all so untrue and hurt me very much as all I've ever done is my best to be loving, caring and giving her all of me, The next day against what I really wanted I said, ok I respect your feelings, i cannot convince you anymore that im way over my ex and i only want you, so I will wait for you and respect your feelings. later she rang me out of the blue, it turned into the usual discussion, me telling her its only her, her not believing me or thinking that I may even not realise i was in love with the ex still. Its so frustrating knowing how you feel about someone and the other person not believing it no matter what. She tells me i can only
prove myself with actions which I thought i had been doing throughout the whole time with her, being the best man I could possibly be. then towards the end of the call when things were calming down she was telling me she missed me a lot and being nice and affectionate.

i could tell she had been just ss sad as me The rest of the night we carried on texting, it was nice, i even sent her a poem which i read out on video and she said she loved it and would watch it every monday so she could start her week happy. that was nice. she said im a terrible actor jokingly though, this left me thinking, does she still not believe me and think im acting rather than speaking my true feelings!? By her own admission she is insecure and negative, theres usually a downside with anything for her and she projects a lot. Anyway, great i thought, we are talking again. However next day, Thinking all was good I texted asking how her day was etc, and to my surprise she said hey! We are still waiting till february you know! I responded with well, ok. There seems to be nothing I can say or do to convince you anymore. looks like our romance will have to wait. if you change your mind or need a chat you know where I am., Then she responded with a
goodnight kiss. This was a few
days ago and havent spoke since.

I am SOOO frustrated, i miss her, i think of her all the time, adore her and will wait, but dont want to wait 3 months to see her again just because she is wrongly believing that I want my ex back.

The two things that make this so hard are that she is sitting there missing me just as much as I am her and all over a situation which only exsists in her head, everything was going so great! I know how i feel about her and know the past is just the past. I think it was because her feelings were getting deeper for me that she wants there to be no doubt I'm only for her. What on earth can I do?! It seems there is absolutely no solution than to give in to something I dont believe in and wait the 3 month to get over someone im already over.. Is this right?! Because apparently i cant contact her, my words dont mean as much as actions, but how can I perform any action when we are contactless...? i thought id been doing the action all along by being so caring, affectionate, loyal and loving, she loved it all so much. Also she does trust me now, i know her pin number, shes told me deep secrets etc, but she cant trust my emotion exists just for her and no one
else. is this her insecurity? Jealousy? Ive left the door open so, she can contact before if she desires, but she is very stubborn.

She told me once she puts herself through many things that i she really wants to do but just doesn't do them, a kind of masochism I suppose. My hope is low that she will call but she is stubborn. I cant beg i know, but what can I do?! Anything or just nothing and wait to see what happens? Please help if poss!. its unbearable when we just said we both love each other and now cant see or even speak to each other for no reason, well the reason she has which is only in her head. And then in 3 months what would i say? yes I am ready for you now just as much as then rendering the whole 3 month wait a futile exercise. Sorry this is long its just driving me mad and seems a fruitless painful exercise.

What can I do?
What is she doing to me?
Why won't she believe me?

I know her 30th birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, we were due to go away for the weekend, it may be an excuse to contact too, because I feel that if I contact her now she will say I am not respecting her feelings, the plan. I also told her I am no longer contacting the ex as a friend.

Thanks so much for anyone who takes the time to read this and advise me!

[pcmaster]

Shes stupid pussy. And making you one of it too.

[tomcochrane]

Shes stupid pussy. And making you one of it too.

Why? She may be a bit insecure, but I love her and accept her as she is. Can I please have a real answer?

[woody]

"I was just being polite". you claim as you, in words typed, told your ex it would be nice to see her.
If your present lady is in deep with you and digs you to bits (which it sounds like she does), this just won't fly man.

I always get a kick out of men saying things like "i miss you' or 'would be great to see you again' to their ex's and claiming they were just being nice, they didn't mean it. Because that stuff matters and if you do have an ex that still hold a place for you in her heart and you say something like "it would be nice to see you" after she mentions apartment availability, there's a whole World of open interpretation there and in your present ladies eyes, ANY contact with a girl from not too long ago, a girl you loved, would be rough on her and really not fair of you to, (although not intentionally), diminish her status in relation to you;meaning, by still speaking to your ex, your not protecting your present ladies honor. It's a disrespect and both ladies know it. How do think that makes the one your with feel? That's all.

You know it's great you and your ex parted amicably and remain friends.
Time for some selflessness though. What did you expect? If she is (the ex) a true friend, she'll understand why you need to cut contact down completely until and only if your present sweethearts comfortable with it. If she doesn't, she's got feeling for you still and your present sweets has every right to be even more choked over it. Hey, respect the one you love and be fair to all others.

[pcmaster]

The real problem is that you love her too much. The lengh of your story and that it consists mostly of her proves this.
Being too sensitive is not the way to happiness. Think its stupid that you think about contacting her or not. Its her birthday ofcourse she want to be contacted. Otherwise she will think you forgoten her.

I know love sometimes can make you weak. Think thats what happened with you. You not a real man now because you playing by the girls rules when actually man should be the one who takes decisions. Also you have to be on your own path and happy on your own before you can make her happy.

Check this guide and bottom video(last video really starts at 2:00 minutes)

loveforum.net/the-relationship-news-and-articles/85672-guide-deal-breakup.html

Check also the good videos I looked up for you

Real social dynamics - Julien
youtube.com/watch?v=GdnYedTpToA

youtube.com/watch?v=KriZHsiiYPg

How to deal with a bad breakup
youtube.com/watch?v=K8Exlo4E5v8

[woody]

Okay, well this is going to be tough on your lady
"I was just being polite". you claim as you, in words typed, told your ex it would be nice to see her, though you also claim, "I didn't mean it, just being, what's that? oh yes, polite. Well that's going to hurt, create doubts. If your serious about your present lady, why are you even texting and emailing with your ex anyway?, chummy or not, she is an ex. You and your new lady are fairly fresh and your a new experience for her, this is a delicate time in a relationship and having an ex so chummy makes not for happy days for your Lady. I'm sure you get that.
Your lady can't understand the relationship (with the ex) is the way it is (non threatening), she only knows that's an ex your so chatty with talking about plans to see each other?, You may not have meant it on your end but that's what you told her, (the ex) youch.
what did you think was going to happen?

Your present lady is in deep with you and digs you to bits (New ground for her which means she's one tough cookie, guarded her heart for a long time and is letting you in.) Tough enough opening the door without an ex lingering on.

"i was just being polite" just won't fly man

I always get a kick out of it when people say things like "i miss you' or 'would be great to see you again' to their ex's and then claiming they were just being nice, they didn't mean it. Because that 'stuff', every word, matters and if you do have an ex that still holds a place for you in her heart and you say something like that, there's a whole World of open interpretation there misinterpretation and in your present ladies eyes, ANY contact with a girl from not too long ago, a girl you loved, would be rough on her and really not fair of you to, (although not intentionally), diminish her status in relation to you;meaning, by still speaking to your ex, your not protecting your present ladies honor.
It's a disrespect and both ladies know it. How do think that makes the one your with feel? sounds painful

You know it's great you and your ex parted amicably and remain friends.
Time for some selflessness though. If she is (the ex) a true friend, she'll understand why you need to cut contact down completely until and only if your present sweethearts comfortable with re establishing some common courtesy occasional hello, Merry xmas, happy b but it may never go back to bestie's with the ex'z's . Out of respect for your Lady.
and If she (the ex)doesn't understand, she's got feelings for you still and your present sweets has every right to be up in arms.
Hey, respect the one you love

good luck

[tomcochrane]

I'm not lookimg for break up vids, we havent broken up. We think a lot of each other and there are no rules in love whether man or woman. Like the other poster said (woody) she had started liking me a lot and read into it. Its right i should cut out contact with my ex. The thing Im finding hard is speaking every day then going to zero contact, is it wrong for me to text my feelings that im finding that side difficult? I have to live by this guideline if i want a future because as woody said she has every right to interpret the message the way she did. Shes only doimg it because she loves me and wants me to be 100% sure about her. Though what im finding difficult is that she is not believing me when i say there are no feelings after 10 months, she is just interpreting the text on facebook rather than believe me.

Is it wrong for me to text he and tell her I'm thinking of her and a little contact would be nice? I dont need this time to get over anyone and its mature to be friends with an ex, i shouldnt have been so naive to think that my new girl wouldnt care.
Thats completely chauvenistic to say I'm not a man, love should be equal and eachto be willing to make sacrifces to the other, regardless of gender. At 30 years old she has told me that shes never met anyone like me before, because of my sensusl romantic side, i satisfy her more than she ever knew she could have been.

Not boasting but many men get it so so wrong and are pigs.

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks woody.

I never meant it intentionally to hurt her, that is the last thing i would ever do, but yes was a little naive of me. Thing is, I was letting everyone i knew that i was om after coming out of rehab! That included her, an excuse for my naievity but nonetheless and unfortunate unintentionally harming series of events!

[MENTION=72336]woody[/MENTION] would it be wrong to send a text saying im thinking of her or should i wait the couple of weeks till her birthday and put it in the card.

Thanks,
And if anyone has more input appreciated,

(Pcmaster, i put a lot of detail not because im a wimp and lover her too much but because i am a story teller and like to paint the full picture)

[pcmaster]

I didnt gave you those vids because you broken up but because they help become more independent to partner. They shows the ussualy weknesses of the guys and helps patch them. For example codependency and concentrating on girl too much.

Just mean you need more backbone because you are taking this too hard.

[tomcochrane]

Thanks for the great answer and explanation, I understand completely how she perceived it. Apparently the reason she went down my phone is to see if I've told the ex that I have a new love in my life. I feel privelaged that I am the only person who has captured her heart in her whole life, and that upsets me to think I have hurt her even unintentionally. I am only human with feelings and empathise with her. She is very guarded yes, doesnt want to be hurt.

I suppose I am lucky that she is waiting patiently for me until february and didn't finish with me. My question is what is my next move? She knows I am here if she needs me earlier, so is it a bad idea to text her one day and say I'm thinking of you or that I miss you or should I leave the ball in her court now where it resides and not contact until she does? It may be a bonus if she gets in contact earlier, but I won't expect that. Should I just send her the birthday card (even though it breaks the rules!) and leave it at that, with a nice message inside?

This time as I'm im the wrong, I have to abide by her rules unlike pcmaster says 'the man should be in control'. Also do you think she will maintain the same amoumt of love and respect for me when we get back together in February after this? Things were great after 3 months apart before, but I hadnt hurt her then.

I have told the ex
.
Just need to know what my next move is, text her to let her know I'm thinking of her, or should I just focus on myself and get on with my life, rather than count the days? Also, I hope she doesn't forget me in that time! I trust her words she'll wait though, I just dont want to ruin it in the mean time.
Thanks!

- - - Updated - - -

Okay, well this is going to be tough on your lady
"I was just being polite". you claim as you, in words typed, told your ex it would be nice to see her, though you also claim, "I didn't mean it, just being, what's that? oh yes, polite. Well that's going to hurt, create doubts. If your serious about your present lady, why are you even texting and emailing with your ex anyway?, chummy or not, she is an ex. You and your new lady are fairly fresh and your a new experience for her, this is a delicate time in a relationship and having an ex so chummy makes not for happy days for your Lady. I'm sure you get that.
Your lady can't understand the relationship (with the ex) is the way it is (non threatening), she only knows that's an ex your so chatty with talking about plans to see each other?, You may not have meant it on your end but that's what you told her, (the ex) youch.
what did you think was going to happen?

Your present lady is in deep with you and digs you to bits (New ground for her which means she's one tough cookie, guarded her heart for a long time and is letting you in.) Tough enough opening the door without an ex lingering on.

"i was just being polite" just won't fly man

I always get a kick out of it when people say things like "i miss you' or 'would be great to see you again' to their ex's and then claiming they were just being nice, they didn't mean it. Because that 'stuff', every word, matters and if you do have an ex that still holds a place for you in her heart and you say something like that, there's a whole World of open interpretation there misinterpretation and in your present ladies eyes, ANY contact with a girl from not too long ago, a girl you loved, would be rough on her and really not fair of you to, (although not intentionally), diminish her status in relation to you;meaning, by still speaking to your ex, your not protecting your present ladies honor.
It's a disrespect and both ladies know it. How do think that makes the one your with feel? sounds painful

You know it's great you and your ex parted amicably and remain friends.
Time for some selflessness though. If she is (the ex) a true friend, she'll understand why you need to cut contact down completely until and only if your present sweethearts comfortable with re establishing some common courtesy occasional hello, Merry xmas, happy b but it may never go back to bestie's with the ex'z's . Out of respect for your Lady.
and If she (the ex)doesn't understand, she's got feelings for you still and your present sweets has every right to be up in arms.
Hey, respect the one you love

good luck

Yes im still getting the hang of this!

Thanks for the great answer and explanation, I understand completely how she perceived it. Apparently the reason she went down my phone is to see if I've told the ex that I have a new love in my life. I feel privelaged that I am the only person who has captured her heart in her whole life, and that upsets me to think I have hurt her even unintentionally. I am only human with feelings and empathise with her. She is very guarded yes, doesnt want to be hurt.

I suppose I am lucky that she is waiting patiently for me until february and didn't finish with me. My question is what is my next move? She knows I am here if she needs me earlier, so is it a bad idea to text her one day and say I'm thinking of you or that I miss you or should I leave the ball in her court now where it resides and not contact until she does? It may be a bonus if she gets in contact earlier, but I won't expect that. Should I just send her the birthday card (even though it breaks the rules!) and leave it at that, with a nice message inside?

This time as I'm im the wrong, I have to abide by her rules unlike pcmaster says 'the man should be in control'. Also do you think she will maintain the same amoumt of love and respect for me when we get back together in February after this? Things were great after 3 months apart before, but I hadnt hurt her then.

I have told the ex
.
Just need to know what my next move is, text her to let her know I'm thinking of her, or should I just focus on myself and get on with my life, rather than count the days? Also, I hope she doesn't forget me in that time! I trust her words she'll wait though, she did for rehab, I just dont want to ruin it in the mean time. I don't suppose I can do anything to get her back sooner, maybe except stay quiet? Apart from the birthday card? I had one friend say that if i stay quiet and dont tell her just that im thinking of her she may think she is not in my thoughts.
Thanks!

[pcmaster]

Well if you asking what to do then first I would say let her know you remember her birthday. send her that card or whatever way you want to gratz her. Because rules doesnt matter. Dont try to change what she thinks but what she feels. Remember these words they apply to all women. Also its a ussual guys mistake to take face value what girls says because girls change their mind. For example she will miss you and will be happy after you contact her after long time or in her b day. Believe me she will be happy. That no contact rule is just stupid.

However you can use this time well for yourself to sort your own problems out. Its a chance to prove that you can be happy on your own. I mean like last video says - "She dont need a needy bitch" "I need you baby I miss you etc." I mean these words are great at the begining of relationship but in longterm she will lose part of attraction to you if she would feel that shes in complete control of you.

Really best you can do in this period of time is love yourself to bits be your own friend and take time for yourself. Whenever you both will meet you gona be a happy in depended man thats so attractive to be with.

[tomcochrane]

Well if you asking what to do then first I would say let her know you remember her birthday. send her that card or whatever way you want to gratz her. Because rules doesnt matter. Dont try to change what she thinks but what she feels. Remember these words they apply to all women. Also its a ussual guys mistake to take face value what girls says because girls change their mind. For example she will miss you and will be happy after you contact her after long time or in her b day. Believe me she will be happy. That no contact rule is just stupid.

However you can use this time well for yourself to sort your own problems out. Its a chance to prove that you can be happy on your own. I mean like last video says - "She dont need a needy bitch" "I need you baby I miss you etc." I mean these words are great at the begining of relationship but in longterm she will lose part of attraction to you if she would feel that shes in complete control of you.

Really best you can do in this period of time is love yourself to bits be your own friend and take time for yourself. Whenever you both will meet you gona be a happy in depended man thats so attractive to be with.

Thank you

You've made me feel really confident. I have my own issues to sort out, yes.
Unless she contacts me, I'll leave it to her birthday then which is only a few weeks away anyway and send her a heartfelt message in the card. Overbearing contact is never good and things seem to be on nice terms at the moment with the last thing said is that we've been thinking of each other.
True, if I left it too long then she'd be thinking why isn't he contacting me, I know its a womans perogative to continually change their mind, so a few weeks seems good.
At the end of the day, if she does stick to her guns till February then at least we have valentines day
I just hope that the 3 months makes the difference to her confidence that she knows and believes what is already true that she is the only one I want. She once said to me after looking at my old photos why would you trade me in for a second hand model when it couldn't be further from the truth, she is a sweet and beautiful girl. It was quite upsetting to hear.
Also I want to tell her when she looks beautiful, but she hates it. I can get away with 'you look nice' and thats it. From a young child she was always told she was not good enough

[TablesandChairs]

She is over-reacting and this might be the reason she's never experienced love before - she stops it from happening through insecurity and paranoia. I would have been satisfied with 'okay, I understand how you're seeing things; I'll cut contact with the ex because you are my priority'. Your mistake was letting her read your life story; which may have included intimate details about how you felt towards your ex. That'd make a lot of women insecure and it's really too much information - there's honesty, then there's unnecessary honesty. But that's done now.

Waiting until February just seems silly - it's punitive and childish. You're not going to get over your ex during these few months because you're already over her. She's experiencing some sort of retrograde jealousy and that's not something you can help - you can't erase your past, you can't scold yourself for having dare loved before she even existed in your life. It's not your fault she hasn't. It's not your fault she doesn't feel good enough or pretty enough because it seems you're reassuring her otherwise at every juncture.

We all get jealous and insecure and shitty - but there's a point where we pull ourselves in and say 'okay enough, you're just being a tard'. We've all got feelings of 'not good enough' that surface - look at the society we live in; girls from the age of 5 are stressing about not being skinny enough, not pretty enough...But she's 30 now so it's time to deal with whatever childhood issues she has.

I wouldn't keep going on the back foot - it sets a dangerous precedent. She's sweet and nice, sure - but she can pull out the knives when she wants and pandering to her over-reactions doesn't get the message across. You've said all you can say - remember her birthday by sending a card/gift but aside from that, lay low - you're out of rehab and senseless drama isn't needed.

[tomcochrane]

She is over-reacting and this might be the reason she's never experienced love before - she stops it from happening through insecurity and paranoia. I would have been satisfied with 'okay, I understand how you're seeing things; I'll cut contact with the ex because you are my priority'. Your mistake was letting her read your life story; which may have included intimate details about how you felt towards your ex. That'd make a lot of women insecure and it's really too much information - there's honesty, then there's unnecessary honesty. But that's done now.

Waiting until February just seems silly - it's punitive and childish. You're not going to get over your ex during these few months because you're already over her. She's experiencing some sort of retrograde jealousy and that's not something you can help - you can't erase your past, you can't scold yourself for having dare loved before she even existed in your life. It's not your fault she hasn't. It's not your fault she doesn't feel good enough or pretty enough because it seems you're reassuring her otherwise at every juncture.

We all get jealous and insecure and shitty - but there's a point where we pull ourselves in and say 'okay enough, you're just being a tard'. We've all got feelings of 'not good enough' that surface - look at the society we live in; girls from the age of 5 are stressing about not being skinny enough, not pretty enough...But she's 30 now so it's time to deal with whatever childhood issues she has.

I wouldn't keep going on the back foot - it sets a dangerous precedent. She's sweet and nice, sure - but she can pull out the knives when she wants and pandering to her over-reactions doesn't get the message across. You've said all you can say - remember her birthday by sending a card/gift but aside from that, lay low - you're out of rehab and senseless drama isn't needed.

That's the thing, I don't want to be on the back foot. I hate it. Though because of her over reaction it was either finish at first, but then she told me she loves me etc and does want me so she will compromise and wait till february and was firm on that. So because i want to be with her, I had no choice but to go on the back foot. She wouldn't accept the cutting contact with ex, she just still thinks I love her and these couple of months will change things, I already said till I'm blue in the face I'm over it, but she just can't accept it, and then puts on this voice and says 'but its ok you can't help it, I just want you when you have 100% on me' in a kind of patronising way. I wish she would try and get over her insecurities sure. I just wonder what things will be like when we are back together if things like this are happening now? I just can't help love her, I see her soft side, she does wear a shield seems I'm the only one whos broke it and now this, which is like a punishment yes, as I'm over the ex. I wish I could get her to feel she is the only one I want.
I wonder whether she will crack before, I don't know and can't sit and guess.
Today I found myself absolutely kicking myself for leaving the phone unlocked on the table, but I can't change time, shows i didn't have anything to hide though.
Especially as the day and everything was at such a peak and good things were due to happen when I arrived back to the table, then a huge crash.

Also, her home address is in the directory (I don't have it!) Should I send the card there or by e card/video thing. As in would she think its creepy or stalky that I got it out of a directory?

[woody]

Thanks for the great answer and explanation, I understand completely how she perceived it. Apparently the reason she went down my phone is to see if I've told the ex that I have a new love in my life. I feel privelaged that I am the only person who has captured her heart in her whole life, and that upsets me to think I have hurt her even unintentionally. I am only human with feelings and empathise with her. She is very guarded yes, doesnt want to be hurt.

I suppose I am lucky that she is waiting patiently for me until february and didn't finish with me. My question is what is my next move? She knows I am here if she needs me earlier, so is it a bad idea to text her one day and say I'm thinking of you or that I miss you or should I leave the ball in her court now where it resides and not contact until she does? It may be a bonus if she gets in contact earlier, but I won't expect that. Should I just send her the birthday card (even though it breaks the rules!) and leave it at that, with a nice message inside?

This time as I'm im the wrong, I have to abide by her rules unlike pcmaster says 'the man should be in control'. Also do you think she will maintain the same amoumt of love and respect for me when we get back together in February after this? Things were great after 3 months apart before, but I hadnt hurt her then.

I have told the ex
.
Just need to know what my next move is, text her to let her know I'm thinking of her, or should I just focus on myself and get on with my life, rather than count the days? Also, I hope she doesn't forget me in that time! I trust her words she'll wait though, I just dont want to ruin it in the mean time.
Thanks!

- - - Updated - - -



Yes im still getting the hang of this!

Thanks for the great answer and explanation, I understand completely how she perceived it. Apparently the reason she went down my phone is to see if I've told the ex that I have a new love in my life. I feel privelaged that I am the only person who has captured her heart in her whole life, and that upsets me to think I have hurt her even unintentionally. I am only human with feelings and empathise with her. She is very guarded yes, doesnt want to be hurt.

I suppose I am lucky that she is waiting patiently for me until february and didn't finish with me. My question is what is my next move? She knows I am here if she needs me earlier, so is it a bad idea to text her one day and say I'm thinking of you or that I miss you or should I leave the ball in her court now where it resides and not contact until she does? It may be a bonus if she gets in contact earlier, but I won't expect that. Should I just send her the birthday card (even though it breaks the rules!) and leave it at that, with a nice message inside?

This time as I'm im the wrong, I have to abide by her rules unlike pcmaster says 'the man should be in control'. Also do you think she will maintain the same amoumt of love and respect for me when we get back together in February after this? Things were great after 3 months apart before, but I hadnt hurt her then.

I have told the ex
.
Just need to know what my next move is, text her to let her know I'm thinking of her, or should I just focus on myself and get on with my life, rather than count the days? Also, I hope she doesn't forget me in that time! I trust her words she'll wait though, she did for rehab, I just dont want to ruin it in the mean time. I don't suppose I can do anything to get her back sooner, maybe except stay quiet? Apart from the birthday card? I had one friend say that if i stay quiet and dont tell her just that im thinking of her she may think she is not in my thoughts.
Thanks!

Well if I was in her shoes (and I kind of was awhile back), I'd hope for a text or a message of sorts from you, a letter, something that tells her she wasn't just a fly by; something that says, 'your my heart and not a day goes by that I don't long for you, I need you, please come back to me' Just be honest.
She may be guarded but she's missing you too man; just say what you mean. No need to second guess matters of the heart; it usually knows what it wants to say. Sure, she may be hurting a little over the whole 'honor' thing but dropping back without any contact isn't a good move i.m.o no matter what she says. REmember, woman say allot of things when their hurt that they don't really mean, meaning, she may say she doesn't want to hear from you but I highly doubt that's the case. If anything, she's finding out just how much she means to you because a man in love cannot leave his little lady alone no matter how much he hurt her heart, he'll want to be close to help mend it.

good on you for telling the ex you need to cut contact out of respect for your lady. That was the right thing to do. A little overdue but workable none the less.

good luck man. Just show your lady your love; she going to need it and yes, she may be fragile for awhile; she may throw things (words) in your face out of hurt and the need to protect her heart. take that with a grain of salt and just know, chances are, any hurtful things said aren't really meant and you'll need to give her time to trust you again completely. sounds like you've got a good woman there. Protect her honor. You said something about her B'day as well which makes me wonder if she's a scorpio woman in which case, yeah, those ladies need to know their men are loyal, need to for without trust there is nothing. She's a natural jealous type who will also be the most loyal, devoted and faithful woman you'll ever know and your a lucky man to have met her

love and light to you and yours

woody

[tomcochrane]

Well if I was in her shoes (and I kind of was awhile back), I'd hope for a text or a message of sorts from you, a letter, something that tells her she wasn't just a fly by; something that says, 'your my heart and not a day goes by that I don't long for you, I need you, please come back to me' Just be honest.
She may be guarded but she's missing you too man; just say what you mean. No need to second guess matters of the heart; it usually knows what it wants to say. Sure, she may be hurting a little over the whole 'honor' thing but dropping back without any contact isn't a good move i.m.o no matter what she says. REmember, woman say allot of things when their hurt that they don't really mean, meaning, she may say she doesn't want to hear from you but I highly doubt that's the case. If anything, she's finding out just how much she means to you because a man in love cannot leave his little lady alone no matter how much he hurt her heart, he'll want to be close to help mend it.

good on you for telling the ex you need to cut contact out of respect for your lady. That was the right thing to do. A little overdue but workable none the less.

good luck man. Just show your lady your love; she going to need it and yes, she may be fragile for awhile; she may throw things (words) in your face out of hurt and the need to protect her heart. take that with a grain of salt and just know, chances are, any hurtful things said aren't really meant and you'll need to give her time to trust you again completely. sounds like you've got a good woman there. Protect her honor. You said something about her B'day as well which makes me wonder if she's a scorpio woman in which case, yeah, those ladies need to know their men are loyal, need to for without trust there is nothing. She's a natural jealous type who will also be the most loyal, devoted and faithful woman you'll ever know and your a lucky man to have met her

love and light to you and yours

woody

Thanks very much for your reply. I've been supressing this urge to tell her how I feel, which is simply that I'm missing her and not talking, and that she is in my heart. The reason is my father thinks I should just keep quiet and she'll come running back, but he thinks a little old fashioned perhaps. Shes stubborn so am unsire she will, she'll tough it out no matter how she feels, I know her that much. I really want to do it, my heart says to, I just don't want to sound needy. Any hurtful comments that come back could upset me, though I'm unsure if she would be nasty. Others are saying wait till her birthday, but I do really want to say something when she finishes work tonight...
Her birthday is in December sometime, she wouldn't tell me when, because she doesn't want me spending money on her apparently. Every time we go out she refuses to let me pay for anything, even though I do have some money. The reason is I have been struggling with drug addiction and at the moment am not working after rehab and on sick welfare. I'll make her a video or something and tell her not to watch it till her birthday, I know she'll love that. But yes I'd love to text before.

Yes, I am so lucky....She met me in some of my worst times before rehab, and then was there for me straight after. I guess she saw past all the problems I have, and fell for the real me...she doesn't touch any drugs, doesn't smoke and has a glass of wine on occassion with dinner, and she's a real lady. I sometimes find it incredible that we met in those circumstances, I definitely don't want to lose her.

My circumstances are also a reason I'm finding it particularly rough at this time. I have a lot of time at home to mull it over, and the cold english winter is starting making it hard to get out and do a lot except attend my groups when I can, where K receive support.