He is not in love?

[ohso]

So everything was going great. He was treating me nicely. But he says he isn't in love with me for a long time. He doesn't want to breakup.

I've been quite depressed since that. I have no idea where he truly stands with me. How committed is he really? Is that a real reason we're not married and not some other excuses?

Should I just be grateful he is honest and is trying to save our relationship? Am I over-reacting if I feel I can't trust him? Am I too insecure if I'm afraid he'll cheat on me or I'm not good enough?

Why am I in love after so many years and he isn't? What can I do for him to make him fall in love? How do I stop being resentful? What is really going on in his head? Why he told me that?

I talked to him and wanted explanations but didn't get anything or didn't understand him. He loves me but is not in love and won't marry me because it's a piece of paper and he has no expectations but that things between us are good and we have lots of sex.

[Wakeup]

What is YOUR issue?
What DO YOU WANT. If its not what he's giving you then break up with him so that you can heal and find a man that will love you, marry you, give you children and be your partner in life.

So... What is it YOU want and how does that measure up with what this guy you have lots of sex with your romantic goals?

[ohso]

Thanks.
Like I said, everything is going great. He is treating me nicely. But he says he isn't in love with me.
That's my issue. I want a man that will love me, be my partner in life.
If he is not in love but acts like he is, is he committed?

[TablesandChairs]

Well, define commitment. You've been together for quite a while (if I understand correctly) - there's no ring, no kids...but obviously the harshest blow is the 'I'm not in love with you' admission...now, there's be something wrong with you if that didn't make you feel insecure or resentful. It's one thing to be treated nicely and have lots of sex...I dare say you can find that with a lot of men. Is it enough? You decide. Why isn't he leaving? Because you tick most of the boxes - you get along well, you satisfy the sexual side...but him not leaving doesn't mean he's all there, either. He hasn't married you under the guide of 'that's not important' - would it be more important if he was in love? Yeah, maybe. A friend of mine was strung along for 8 years under the same premise - 'marriage is just a piece of paper'. Then he met someone else and was married within 12 months. I can't imagine the resentment she felt upon hearing that when she'd done everything but beg while they'd been together.

You have the facts - he's been honest enough. Stop thinking about him and start reassessing where you stand.

[ohso]

Thanks.
Yeah, 9 years.
I believe him when he says he's not gonna fall in love and marry someone else though.
Commitment to me is everything we have, the only thing missing is he's not in love.
That's why I'm not leaving also. But I hate what I feel, resentment and insecurity.

[Wakeup]

Thanks.
Like I said, everything is going great. He is treating me nicely. But he says he isn't in love with me.
That's my issue. I want a man that will love me, be my partner in life.
If he is not in love but acts like he is, is he committed?

Do you live together?

[ohso]

Do you live together?

We do live together.

[Wakeup]

Then what is the issue? You love him, He loves you, he's not looking to be with anyone else, he's good to you, you live as husband and wife. That IS what commitment with someone you love and who loves you looks like.

I'd not worry when he says "he loves you but he's not in love with you." All that usually means is what silly people think when the new relationship energy wears off and that initial intensity is no longer upfront and present.

You shouldn't feel either resentment or insecurity because you're happy to be with him and he's not going anywhere but back home to you after work.