Distraught :'( please help

[Xelah]

Hello forum
Right .. me and my gf have split up and its horrible i will explain the story basically last weekend she kinda cheated on me with her ex boyfriend so we broke up and she was saying she thinks she has stronger feelings for him anyway a day after it all happend she was ringing me saying sorry and how much she regrets it all and that loves me blah blah anyway i was like ok anyway i already had pre-paid train tickets to sleep at her house this weekend thats just gone so i said ok i will come this weekend for one last time and we will spend it together anyway so thats what happened this weekend i slept at her house all weekend and it was amazing and we was like a couple again as we obviously still love each other and her family are all so amazing and i love them to pieces too .. and in the weekend she kept saying sorry and that she doesnt want to lose me forever and i could of been going back out with her if i really wanted to but i couldn't as i just dont think she loves me enough but anyway yesterday was so sad i had to go home and anyway on the train home she rang me and said what are we doing and i was like i love you so much and i love your family and i dont wanna lose this but its about you to chloe and she was saying she loves me so much and she always will but she just doesnt want to put me through pain incase it happend again because she loves me so much but she cant 100% say she would stay loyal as she doesnt know and its not fair on me or her so that was it anyway i am gonna talk with her tonight see if there is anyway we can do this or something but if not it looks like its goodbye :'( and i need some help and tips because im heartbroken i cant live without her how will i ever get over her and stop thinking about her

[TheEvilJester]

Well, it will ultimately have to be your decision. The thing is, though, if she has already proven herself to be a cheater, why trust that she won't do it again? I know how hard it can be to let go of somebody when they meant so much to you, but that may be what is best for you. I won't lie, it WILL hurt for a while. Unfortunately, there is no avoiding that. But, in the long run you will realize you are much better off.

It is very hard to get the trust back in a situation like that. Then, even if/when you can, whose to say she won't just wind up hurting you again? Then, it will hurt even worse because you thought you were able to get past it and it just happens again.

I won't say it is 100% impossible for a relationship to recover from something like that. It can, and I am sure does happen. It's just much more likely that it will never be the same, and just as likely that she'd just wind up eventually straying from the relationship again. You deserve somebody who will treat you like their one and only. Nobody deserves to feel so used and insignificant the way something like this can make you feel.

Good luck, my friend. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out best for you.

[Xelah]

Thank you so much Jester <3 ! means a lot i basically had a think and i am willing to give it another go as i just cant live without her and i dont want to lose it all when we have so much .. so i texted her saying it all like do you wanna try again but only if you love me 100% and are not gonna cheat and i said that if she likes another guy or anything we cant and all that and she said she needs time to think it all through so i said fair enough so im waiting on her reply but if i do get back with her what should i do to be careful ? should i get her to block her ex on everything

[PJL]

What do you do to be careful? Truly there is nothing you can do to be "careful"/ She has her own free will. She will do and has done what she wants to do. the only thing you can do is be so vulnerable, so open to love that you become invulnerable. Most people can not rise to that level.

You cant make her do anything. if you force the other person to do things they would otherwise not be inclined to do, you are making the success of the relationship artificial. Making her block the other guy is just a modern day "chastity belt". Where is the trust in this relationship anymore? I realize you will go forward in this one more time. But do ask yourself why you are willing to go back to someone who admitted stronger attraction to another, was willing to sleep with him and tell you about it and then not be able to promise it wouldn't happen again? Remember, you offered her a new beginning and she still needed to think about it? Why? Why think about it at all if you are in love? What does she have to weigh you against? Why are you not her stand alone guy?

You are settling my friend. You are settling for the scraps she is offering you. Its not her fault, you are accepting of it.

You have made your choice and sent it to her. You have also set a precedence of what is an acceptable way to treat you. The fact she has already told you she can't guarantee she wont stray again is important for you to keep in mind. Remember, if it happens again she can always say, "I told you before that I can not promise you that I wouldnt do it agin". You took her back after that. It shows her what she can get away with. Although it was barely discussed explicitly, you established a de facto personal boundary of how you wish to be treated.

the only way to be careful is to be easy on yourself if it doesnt work out. Ask her if you and she are now exclusive. If she doesnt want to be exclusive, then date other women and see how many lovely ladies out there that share the same values as you do. Fall and winter are good times to snuggle with a love you trust.

Good luck.

PJL

PS: You may need this article in the future: pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/12-ways-mend-broken-heart

[katyk]

Great advice PLJ.

Hon.....you CAN'T do anything to ensure she will be faithful if she doesn't want to! She is actually telling you she doesn't think she wants to be with you but you aren't listening. Nobody tells anyone they aren't sure if they can be faithful if they desperately want to be with them. She is feeding you insecurities which you are hearing, even planning on how you can 'stop' her in fact but you aren't reading between the lines. It hurts to face up to this possibility (don't I know) but the sooner you do the better.

As for not being able to live without her.......hundreds of thousands of people feel like this at some point.....and are still around! You can....and you will!

[TheEvilJester]

If trying to make it work with her is your decision, then I wish you the best and I sincerely hope it works out. I don't know that I would agree that it is your best bet, though. As the others have said, she's already cheated on you once, and even said she cannot be sure she won't do it again. What are you telling her by accepting her back after all that? What is to stop her from just doing the same thing again, figuring that you will just forgive her and take her back again?

What's to stop her from just stringing you along until she finds somebody with whom she wants to be exclusive, and then just dumping you like the option she has acted as though you are? Again, none of that is your fault. If she can't see being with you and just you, then that is her loss, not yours. Trust me, I think we all know how you feel when you say you don't think you can live without her. The thing is, it often feels that way when you are stuck in the situation currently. Free yourself and, in time, you would see that you are much better off without her.

Again, we can't tell you what to do, we can only offer our advice. In the end, if you do want to give her another chance, then that is up to you. If that is the case, then again, I wish you the best and hope it works out. Unfortunately, though, there really isn't anything you can do to make/help her be faithful this time around. That is in her to either succeed or fail in that venture. At the very least, if you do make another go of it and she just cheats on you again, I hope you at least love and respect yourself enough to realize at that point that you deserve better.

Good luck, friend.

[michelle23]

Woah your waaayyy too emotional. She cheated, she has flat out told you it will probably happen again if you stay together. Take your heart away from your sleeve and think rationally for a minute. Do you want someone you cant trust? Do you want to be constantly insecure and jealous, looking over your shoulder wondering where she is and what shes doing every time shes not with you? Do you want a relationship full of drama, stress, pain, fighting and lies??

Im guessing no so get over her and move on. Shes not worth it. And yes you will get over and you can live without her. That type kf thinking will do you no favours. Man up

[Wakeup]

i need some help and tips because im heartbroken i cant live without her how will i ever get over her and stop thinking about her

I think for people like yourself who have this attitude that they'll never get over someone or find a love like this again, the best thing for you to do is to just keep being with the person that you give up your entire self for until she hurts you again and again and you finally realize that she's the piece of shit she actually is and you leave... finally knowing you're better off without her.

You haven't suffered enough yet so I'm sure you'll figure out what to say that will allow her to string you along for more emotional abuse.

Just do that ^^^^ or if you garner some self-love and some self-respect you'll tell her thanks for being honest with yourself and me now go be skanky and leave me the hell alone FOREVVVVA!

[TheEvilJester]

Wakeup makes a very good point. And, again, it isn't like any of us are trying to tell you what to do. You asked for advice, and it is our advice we provide.

The thing is, though, how many times does she have to hurt you so deeply for you to get that you deserve better? When it comes to something that is to this level of betrayal, the answer to that question should be once. Trust me, you will be a million times better off alone than you are with somebody who does nothing but hurt you.

Take it from a guy with experience. Mind you, my experience is different, but still applicable. The horrid excuse for a human being I now call my ex at least never cheated on me. I can give her credit for that, at least. But, she did pretend to be an entirely different person from who she really is, and pretty much kept up the charade until we got married. Problem is, the person she really is was somebody with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and I had to find it out little by little.

So, for a while I kept thinking we could make things okay. I'm a guy who takes his commitments seriously. But, when one party is willing to give, but the other only ever takes, takes, takes, that just isn't going to work out.

Getting out of that relationship, I felt like a completely new man. Stronger and more complete than I had EVER been for having cared enough about myself to get out of that situation.

Lately, I am struggling with trying to sort of "become human" again. Trying to get back out in the dating world and find my true soulmate. Hasn't gone very well so far, and I've been having a bit of a hard time (because of a million other reasons as well, but that sure as Hell doesn't help). But, I still can at least step back and imagine myself still trapped in that relationship and then smile and think "Good God, I am so much better off miserable and lonely than I ever was in that relationship."

I kind of feel like the same could be said for you. But, again, that has to be your decision. So, as I said before, if you do ultimately decide to try to give her one more chance, then I sincerely wish the best for you and hope it does go well. .....And as I said as well, I hope if she continues to hurt you, that you care about yourself enough to end it at that point.

Good luck, friend.

[Xelah]

Thanks for all your replies .. just an update this issue is on-going and i want to be with her but shes saying she doesnt think she wants a relationship right now and shes saying things like theres to many complications like the distance been the main one and she said the relationship is not fun anymore and thats a big reason why she did what she did she said the relationship stresses her because of me been overprotective and the distance .. but im still trying my hardest to get back with her , she just confuses me she tells me she loves me so much and she does not love anyone else and she loves me more than anything but its just the complications and shes nnot ready yet and she did say we may never get back together but i dno im just considering to just accept my losses and move on as it seems a little like im fighthing for a girl thats not going to be with me but then it confuses me when she still says she loves me

[katyk]

Honestly? I think she's keeping her options open for some odd reason! Words come cheap so stop putting so much focus on "I love you".....Its just words and her actions are saying otherwise! True love will conquer many obstacles but only if the effort is put in! She doesn't appear willing to do this and what's more she is complaining about your relationship anyway (not being fun, stressing her out, distance) Wise up hon! Its only worth fighting for a relationship when there is one there to begin with!